A House By The Sea...

I wish that I lived in a house by the sea, with windows that face the ocean, and bookshelves lined with books I've read over and over again.

I wish that I lived in a house by the sea, with my record player always on, playing my favorite CDs on vinyl, because it's better that way.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, where I'd drink hot tea all evening long, and walk along barefooted on hardwood floors.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, and you'd be living there with me. We'd lay in bed all morning, and sit on the porch all night.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, and we'd make love in front of the bookshelves,
on the hardwood floor. And then have tea on the rug.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea. I'm thinking I should just move to Maine.

The Difference Between You And I...

The difference between you and I is
You'll let him tear you down over and over again
Hoping he'll build you up
Though he never will
And it's not because he can't
He really just doesn't care

The difference between you and I is
You'll stick around, hoping that eventually
He'll see you for the amazing girl
That you tell yourself you are
When you're at the theater alone
And he's there holding hands with the other girl he's fucking

The difference between you and I is
You'll keep thinking something will change
And you'll look for a million little examples
Of how it is changing and how it will
When really, you're just deluding yourself with his lies
And worst yet, the lies you tell yourself

The difference between you and I is
Not a remarkable difference, really
We're both women, yearning for love
We, both, at some point fell for him
We both got our hearts bruised
But you stayed for more

The difference between you and I is
I'm not willing to sell myself short,
Tell myself lies or cry myself to sleep at night
Just on the chance
That I might actually receive the love I'm searching for
From him

But, perhaps, the biggest difference between you and I is
You're weak
And I'm strong.

A Moment. A Love. A Dream. Aloud. A Kiss. A Cry. Our Rights. Our Wrongs.

"If Tom had learned anything, it was that you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That’s all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence. It took a long time, but Tom had finally learned. There are no miracles. There is no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be. He knew. He was...pretty sure."
- 500 Days of Summer

I just finished watching "500 Days of Summer". I didn't really know what to expect of the movie, but I definitely didn't expect it to leave me feeling this way.

The movie is about love, but it's not a love story. Not at all. It ends with the two main characters parting ways, which is all too familiar to me, and anyone else who is single, of course. I related mostly to the character of Tom, not the female lead, Summer; I am not a pragmatic, idealist who doesn't believe in fate, or hope, and falling in love. I am Tom- hopelessly hopeful that somewhere out there is my soul mate, the person God intended for me to be with, etcetera.

Sometimes, however, I wish I was Summer.

It seems easier to be a Summer. To not wonder, "Is he the ONE?" with every other guy I date. Even when they are clearly not. But that hopeless romantic in me looks for all the signs that they could be...never the signs that they aren't.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Of course, this is mostly spurred by the fact that: 1) I just got out of a short-lived, albeit, somewhat intense, relationship, 2) I'm doing this slightly insane thing and 3) Well...I'm always thinking about love.

I haven't been in love many times, to be truthful. The first time I ever fell in love, I was twenty years old. I didn't really know what love was yet, nor did I know how to love someone completely. And actually, I'm still not convinced that I'm fully sure on either of those things, but I digress.

My first love ended, I was hurt, time passed, and eventually, it didn't hurt anymore. I fell in love again, as documented somewhat in this blog, almost exactly a year ago. And we all know how that ended.

And that's it. I never fell in love with Fox, though I will admit to falling for him. There is a distinct difference- trust me. I never fell in love with Ian. I could have. I knew on our third or fourth night together, sitting in his car in my driveway, listening to this mix CD he had made; our hands clasped together in the dark, our lips only leaving each others as we sang the song playing on the car stereo. I knew then that I could fall in love with him, that he could fall in love with me. We never made it that far, though. I'm still not sure if I'm thankful for that. Maybe it's better to not have fallen in love with someone when it's only going to end. Then again, I can't say if Ian and I are a closed case. I don't feel like I can say anything about matters of love anymore.

On New Year’s Eve, before going out, I was reading my private journal- reflecting on the year before it ended. I then ended up on Facebook, and started reading my Wall-to-Wall with someone, and then read some of our gTalk transcripts, and my heart did a sort of back flip in my chest when I realized that I felt something distinctly different for this person than I had ever realized. I love him. And it was a weird moment, because once I had put a name on how I feel for him, it all made sense. And all the time we spent together in the past years, all of our conversations, all the times I laughed at his expense, or shared something with him, or the times that he made me laugh when I felt like crying, or all the times when I made him laugh when he felt like crying...all of it came soaring through my memories in full blown Technicolor, and I realized...I've loved him all along. No, not love at first sight, but I'd say I've loved him for much longer than I realized.

He doesn't know. He won't know.

Is it selfish of me to keep my love to myself? I don't think so. I can love him without him ever knowing- I have been for the past year or so, after all. It’s not even that I don’t think he loves me. He might. In fact, I think he does. It's a moot point, really. But in my defense, it seems neater this way, for both of us; why risk the unexplored, the unpromised, the Jonathans, the Ians, the Foxs, the Mikes...all the loves that have ended so tragically- with someone I would never want to see “the end” with? I cannot promise that it'll be right- that it would end up all fairytales, and violins and red roses- and neither could he. There's no point in touching something that almost seems too perfect to touch. At least not now.

I've been having this thought over and over again: "Unrequited love is the best love."

I don't mean that indefinitely. But, sometimes, it's better to leave some things unsaid. At least, for now.

Then again, I don't know anything about love, really. I think I do, sometimes. But when it comes down to it, love is just another mystery that I've yet to solve.

Perspective

In my 7^th grade art class, we once had to do a lesson on perspective. The lesson was an exercise in lines and dimensions- you start off with a small point in the center of your page and from there on expand out to the edges. The flat paper suddenly became a life-like cityscape; buildings shot up from the horizon line and towered above the sidewalks that I had created with my number two pencil.

I was thinking tonight about a lot of different situations I’ve encountered in my life, and it reminded me of that lesson. What started off as a small issue, a tiny black dot on in the center of my paper, often turned into a big deal- a building looming over the horizon.

There are so many moments in life when something little snowballs into a huge ordeal. It begins with a tiny fight with a friend. A disagreement with an employer. A misunderstanding between two lovers. A bill gone unpaid. A flat tire. A bad date. And so it goes.

And then something else happens. The stress from that flat tire merges into your personal life. You get into a fight with a family member. Because of that, you’re miserable and start snapping at your best friend. You’re so distraught that you oversleep and show up late for work. You get to work, and your boss berates you for being late. You’re under so much stress that you crack, and scream at your boss. You get a write up and get sent home. And now you have to figure out who will give you a ride, because your car is at home with the flat tire, and you’re not talking to your sister and your best friend, because you were so stressed from that initial flat tire that you lashed out on them.

It’s just like art project. That tiny black dot expanded into ten buildings, crowding the sidewalk…when all it was at first, was a tiny black dot.

But, see? It’s all a matter of perspective.

It’s easy to get lost on the sidewalk. It’s easy to get lost in life’s problems. Things always seem worse when you’re right in the thick of them. It’s when you step away from the street, when you step back from your own life and look at everything in perspective, when you see that it isn’t all that bad, after all.

Will the things that are bugging you now matter a day from now? Probably so. What about a week from now? Maybe. A month? Possibly not. A year? Highly doubtful.

I journal every single night for this very reason. I was re-reading my journal the other night, and I was in Fall of 2006. I was so distraught over things going on in my life, and because I hadn’t gone into good detail, when I re-read the entry now, I had no clue why I was even so upset. There were a million little things bugging me, sure. Money issues, family issues, car issues, boy issues. But nothing that has greatly impacted who I am today, or my life in the long run. It’s funny how the things we think matter so much fade into oblivion after time.

That line of buildings, after all, was originally nothing more than a tiny black dot in the center of your paper.

But, then again, it’s all a matter of perspective.

It Took A While For You To Find Me...

Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and then love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round

it took a while for you to find me
because i was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
i poked a hole and watched it drain out

- Trevor Hall, "The Lime Tree"

It's Christmas Eve. Can't believe this year went by so fast. Well, in some ways it went by fast. Sometimes it seemed slow. Painfully slow, almost. But now it's nearly over, and I can't help but look towards the future with an optimistic smile.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I've been seeing this guy, Ian, and it's been a bit of a roller coaster...one second, it's the best thing ever, the next second it's fizzling, then we're on fire again, then we're broken up completely, and now we're seeing each other again.

I think the thing that I'm happy about, though, is that I'm completely in control of what happens with him. And I suppose I always had been, with any guy I was seeing, but I never realized it before.

I don't know how to put this in non-corny terms, but I guess I've finally realized my own worth.

This has been a huge realization for me, and it honestly took this up and down with Ian for me to realize that I am beautiful, in and of myself. I don't need to look to a relationship to make me stable, or anyone else, because I AM stable- all on my own.

Last night, I tweeted this affirmation that I had thought of:

"I will always feel insecure, so long as I look to other people to provide my security. I need to be secure in and of myself."

I ask that all of us take a look at that, and realize that, and OWN it. It's true. You provide your own security. Outside sources can only provide so much, either way. Yeah, someone can make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. Or someone can make you sad and tear you down. But you've got to be strong in yourself and on your own. Never let someone else determine or dictate who you are. That's the thing I learned the most this year.

And it's funny, because one of my resolutions was to work on loving myself completely, and it was something I put up as novelty, really, because I say that every year, and it never really happens.

But this year, there's this inner-peace I feel inside, this confidence I've never had before, and I feel like I'm closer than ever before. And it's all me. That's a great feeling.

I was talking with James today, and I always enjoy talking to him, because he gives me such a great outer perspective on what's going on with my life. I was retelling the Ian story to him, and he just started laughing mid-way through.

"You already know exactly what you want and exactly what you're going to do," he said.

I paused and realized he was right. "I know. I just needed validation, I guess."

He laughed again. "That's the funniest thing about you, Britt. And I've never said this to you, but I'm going to tell you now- you always have it figured out. You don't need validation from anyone else. You validate yourself."

I guess I knew that. I do validate my own thoughts and actions. It's true.

I feel like I'm miles away from the girl that I was this time last year. It's a good, whole, all-encompassing feeling. I love it.

"It took a while for you to find me..."

It took a while for me to find myself. Nice to meet you, Brittany Brown.

War Of My Life...

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

- John Mayer, "War of My Life"

If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is incredibly unpredictable. Things come and go, and come again and linger, and sometimes stay, but mostly go again.

I guess it's not ever really a bad thing, so long as you remember why things came and why they left. So long as you get something out of each experience you have- good or bad- it's never really an ultimately bad thing.

I think Ms. Marilyn Monroe summed it up best:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."

Either way, I'll be really glad when this year ends. It's been a rough one.

Five Hundred, Twenty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes...

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love?
- RENT, "Seasons Of Love"

It's been almost exactly a year since I started writing in here. Granted, I haven't been very faithful to updating lately, but it's honestly because I hardly find the time to write in both here and my private journal, and some stuff I'd rather keep private anyway.

But as I was reading my entries from this time last year, I realized I had to at least reflect some- compare and contrast. It's almost amazing to me how much has happened in the past year- how much I've changed.

I fell in completely in love and got my heart shattered for the first time, really. I changed schools and stopped working with the kid I was with before. I learned about myself through therapy and gained new friends, and lost some old ones. I had an incredibly random and hot fling with an English musician (how many people can say that?) and I gained so much self-confidence when I ended things because it wasn't what I wanted.

Now, it's almost Christmastime (as it was the last time I posted) and everything feels so different. The snow falling outside my window (of the Valley house- see, I've even moved in the last year) looks the same, but it's me that feels different. I feel like I'm living in a new skin. Life is not perfect, but I'm happy. I am learning to truly love myself unlike before. I'm surrounded by friends who genuinely love me and care about me (and some who don't, but for the first time I've realized I don't deserve that and don't have to put up with them). I'm involved with someone who likes me very much- just as I am (Bridget Jones's reference, ya'll!). My job is less stressful and still fulfilling. I am happy, which was really all I could've asked for a year ago.

So in the past year, no matter all I've gone through- good, bad, confusing, unexplainable- I've gotten right to the place I've wanted to be all along: happiness.