Five Hundred, Twenty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes...

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love?
- RENT, "Seasons Of Love"

It's been almost exactly a year since I started writing in here. Granted, I haven't been very faithful to updating lately, but it's honestly because I hardly find the time to write in both here and my private journal, and some stuff I'd rather keep private anyway.

But as I was reading my entries from this time last year, I realized I had to at least reflect some- compare and contrast. It's almost amazing to me how much has happened in the past year- how much I've changed.

I fell in completely in love and got my heart shattered for the first time, really. I changed schools and stopped working with the kid I was with before. I learned about myself through therapy and gained new friends, and lost some old ones. I had an incredibly random and hot fling with an English musician (how many people can say that?) and I gained so much self-confidence when I ended things because it wasn't what I wanted.

Now, it's almost Christmastime (as it was the last time I posted) and everything feels so different. The snow falling outside my window (of the Valley house- see, I've even moved in the last year) looks the same, but it's me that feels different. I feel like I'm living in a new skin. Life is not perfect, but I'm happy. I am learning to truly love myself unlike before. I'm surrounded by friends who genuinely love me and care about me (and some who don't, but for the first time I've realized I don't deserve that and don't have to put up with them). I'm involved with someone who likes me very much- just as I am (Bridget Jones's reference, ya'll!). My job is less stressful and still fulfilling. I am happy, which was really all I could've asked for a year ago.

So in the past year, no matter all I've gone through- good, bad, confusing, unexplainable- I've gotten right to the place I've wanted to be all along: happiness.

Where I Am Right Now...

(I just wrote this in my private journal. Thought I'd share. Sums it all up nicely, anyway :))




Maybe it's not about the big picture. Maybe it never really is. Maybe it's just about enjoying the little things that make life worth living, day by day. Maybe it's just taking a deep breath and knowing that I'm okay, because I'm alive. Maybe it's just being happy for whatever I have to be happy for now.

And the realization that I don't need a relationship right now to make me happy. That I can be okay being single, because it won't always be this way.

And it's the realization that I don't have to be in school right now to make me succesful. I am successful in the way that I'm supporting myself on my own- I pay my own bills, I take care of myself and I do that sufficently. I will go back to school some day.

It's the realization that even though I think I've always got it all wrong, that sometimes, maybe even most times, I've at least got...

Some of the picture right.

I'm All At Sea...

I'm all at sea
Where no-one can bother me
I sleep by myself
I drink on my own
Don't speak to nobody
I gave away my phone
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

- Jamie Cullum, "All At Sea"

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last blogged. The summer has gone by in a blur of busy days at work, long nights, moving and of course, the endless ponderings of my own existance. It’s me we’re talking about here, so during all of the above, most of my time was still spent focusing on the latter.

I would say I’ve been really busy, but I suppose I haven’t. For everything I can think of that has taken up my time in the past months, I can also remember a time when I was doing absolutely nothing. It’s not as though my summer has been jam-packed with things to occupy my time…I’ve just been, well, somewhat lazy when it comes to blogging.

And, at the heart of it, this has been a pretty lonely summer. I’m not saying that I didn’t spend a lot of time with friends, because I did. But it seems like I also spent a lot of time by myself. I’m not complaining- some of it was by choice, and some of it is just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

To update you all more concretely, let’s begin with a brief rundown of my work situation. During our last scheduled blog session, I was talking about the big move from elementary schools. It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise- I really love the new school that I’m at. The teacher there isn’t perfect, but certainly cares a lot about the students and her staff, which is awesome. There are 9 children in our classroom (seven with Autism, one with Aspergers; there are slight differences- Google it, because I’m too lazy to explain), and even though it does get a bit hectic sometimes, I love it.

Last month, the child I was working with bit me and I got sent to Urgent Care. He’s bit me several times, as mentioned before in this blog, but since the school is new to the Strategies programs and children with Autism, everyone freaked out and made a huge ordeal of it. He did end up breaking the skin, so I had to go get shots and get tested for HIV, and blah blah blah- the school district doesn’t want to get sued- blah.

So, instead of having me work with him, the teacher had me switch with another aide and now I work as an overall classroom aide (not officially- my official job title is still a one-on-one aide, but that may change at some point), and I must admit, it’s a lot less stressful. It’s amazing how much better your day seems when you don’t have bite marks and pinches all over your forearms. I do miss working with him, but he’s still right in the class, and I still help out with him so it’s not a complete separation.

I’m sure none of you really care about my work situation though. But that’s been pretty much the basis of my summer. Nothing too thrilling has happened in the relationship department either- that’s for sure. I’ve gone on a few random dates, and turned down a few random dates as well, but none of it is worth writing about.

I think when I last updated I was in the love triangle with Fox/Josh/Mike. The whole triangle has actually collapsed since then, to my own doing. Full explanations are necessary.

The Josh situation finally dissolved when I stopped calling him back altogether. I wasn’t really doing it to be mean- he just called me at bad/inappropriate times (like at work, or during weekends when I was out of town doing stuff) and I’m horrible at returning calls, so there you go. And again, it’s not that Josh is a bad guy- I just know that he’s not the kind of guy for me, so why bother? I’ve been in enough relationships that have gone nowhere or have been damaging- why go headlong into one when I know from the get go that it won’t be anything I want it to be? End of story.

Kind of. He did stay pretty quiet most of the summer, but a few weeks ago he called me randomly to ask me out. I had plans that night so I declined, and I did feel kind of guilty. But now he’s moved away from Reno (I actually have no clue where he’s living) and also went to jail for some sort of traffic violation- all of which I’ve found out from Facebook, since we don’t communicate. I’m not sure what’s going on with him. But see, now I’m especially glad we never got involved.

The Mike situation is less of a situation than any of the three- I mean, it’s the same old story as it always has been. The verdict is still out on whether or not Mike has genuine feelings for me and is afraid of a long distance relationship or just really wants a long distance booty call, but either way, I’m done with it. He still texts me about once a month, with some random conversation and then it always ends with him making some sort of sexual advance towards me and me ignoring it and him calling me a tease. You know, when I write this out, it seems even dumber than it does in my head. Why do I even talk to him?

And then there’s the Fox situation. The last time I updated, we were still talking and I was trying to keep it light and casual. Except, hello, my name is Brittany Brown, and no such thing really exists in my dating lexicon.

I don’t know what I was thinking- I know myself that it’s impossible (for me, at least) to talk to someone every single day and keep it light and casual. Someone I’m extremely attracted to emotionally, mentally and physically. Someone who is smart and funny, and I have an amazing connection with.

Someone who lives 3,000 miles away, and also travels nearly 3,000 miles a year.

It was getting to the point in mid-June/early-July where Fox and I would spend hours chatting online every night. One night we started chatting at 8pm and didn’t stop until 3 in the morning. We never ran out of things to talk about. That, in itself, amazes me, but it also scared me.

Because for every time we chatted, for every sweet thing he said or did (like dedicating a song to me on my birthday, even though I wasn’t physically at the show), and for every time I thought of him, I realized I was slowing falling into the whole thing more and more.

Not falling in love, but falling into the pretense that there could be something more between us, though there obviously could not be. Besides the obvious, you know- him being a travelling musician and all- Fox never once lead me on by saying that he’d change anything for me, that he’d at any point settle down, or anything. In fact, he was blatantly honest that nothing would change at all.

One night we were chatting and he wrote, “We’re going to fall for each other. And that’s fine. You can be all into me. I’ll be all into you. I’ll see you when I’m in town. But you can’t have all of my heart. You can have a part of it. I’m not going to move to Reno and settle down with you. I’ll never settle down with anyone.”

And you know, I deluded myself for a whole week or more, thinking I was okay with that. Yeah, sure, I could be fine with my once-a-year boyfriend. He comes into town, we’re totally in love, he stays two days, and he leaves, I’m FINE.

Then I realized that it was all a big ball of lies. Because I know that I can’t do that. I just can’t. I can’t talk to someone that I have feelings for every day and not fall for them. I can’t have a once-a-year boyfriend. Not only is that emotionally draining, but it’s ridiculous. If I close myself off to everyone else, and spend all my time and energy on Fox, who isn’t even physically HERE, what kind of life will I have? Settling for a piece of a relationship with Fox could be potentially alienating the full relationship I’ve been waiting for this whole time.

So, I did the smart thing. I did the hard thing. I stopped talking to him. Just ceased it.

I stopped going on Gmail. I didn’t text him- and if he texted me, I kept the conversations short. I do feel bad, mainly because I’m sure he’s wondering what happened. We did go from “falling” for each other, to me never talking to him, and I’m sure that’s weird. Well, I know it’s weird. I know he’s confused, because he’s randomly left comments on my Facebook statuses and such a few times, questioning what I’ve been up to. Maybe I owe him an explanation. Maybe not. We are (as he put in his own words one night) “sooooo perfectly matched” and maybe he could sense what I was feeling and why I pulled back.

But see, that’s the main difference between us. He can be okay with a once-a-year thing and not get hurt. I can’t. Or maybe he can’t either and he’s lying to himself and to me. I don’t know. Either way, this is my story. And I don’t really want it to play out that way.

As I explained to Chauncey and my friends who asked, “I just decided that there was no point in settling for something that won’t make me happy. I know for a fact that it’s not going to be the way I want it to be. Why put myself through something unnecessary?”

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have feelings for Fox. I do. I will. And I’m not going to sit here and say that when he tours in Reno again, I won’t go to his show, or that we won’t hang out afterward. We will. But, you know, depending on where I am in my life, it may only be as friends. And no matter what it is, I don’t want it to be something that I’m in too deeply and end up getting hurt from in the end. I’ve had enough of that.

Which is also detailed heavily in this blog.

And for the record, no, I haven’t heard from Jonathan at all. When I checked my blog today, I saw a direct hit from Seattle from a few days ago. I’m guessing it’s him. I’m pretty sure it’s his IP address, and I doubt that Jennie would still check my blog, and I don’t know why Kristin would at this point. It’s human nature to keep tabs though. I’ll admit to still looking at his Twitter from time to time.

It’s a sick sort of fascination, really. Deep down I know it’s only to see if he’s unhappy or happy. And usually hoping for the former, if only because it would be some sort of payback for how he treated me.

Speaking of which, therapy has been a good point for me this summer. I’ve grown and learned a lot because of it. I’m still going- I have an appointment on Saturday, in fact. I just don’t feel like I’m done, by any means. But I have come a long way.

In the words of John Mayer, “I’m in repair. I’m not together, but I’m getting there.”

So what else? Friendships have been…interesting this summer. I’ve kind of felt like a loner in many ways. Not because I don’t have any friends. Because I certainly do. But more in the aspect that everyone has their…someone. And I feel like I have no one.

I’m not talking romantically. I just mean in general. Everyone has their own best friend- their person they can always count on, the person who will hang out with them at one in the morning. I don’t really have that anymore. I’m in an awkward place in my life, I feel like.

I’ve been sorting out friendships- trying to figure out the ones worth keeping versus the ones worth letting go. All of it has put me in a raw place- a place where I don’t have the same group of people to fall back on; an uncomfortable, itchy spot that I haven’t been in years, where I’m forced to make new friends and develop stronger bonds with people I don’t know too well.

And all of it has made me realize how much of a lone-traveler I am right now. I’m not saying this in an emo, woe-is-me, way- I’m just stating the facts. I think my “one person” used to be Joseph, but I’m not exactly sure what has happened with us this summer, and it’s confusing and sad to see that friendship fade into the background. I feel like I’m the only one really trying there, and it’s tiring. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m doubtful that it’s a permanent thing, but it’s been an issue for long enough this summer that I’ve started to take it out of my equation of friendships that I can count on at the moment.

Though Chris and I have definitely repaired all that was wrong at the beginning of the year/end of last year, it’s still hard for us to go back to the best friends we were three years ago. We’ve grown apart in very grown up ways. I think, if hard-pressed for an answer, we’d say we were each other’s best friends, but it’s not the same as it was. There’s no more late-night Starbucks runs, we don’t see each other every day and spend every weekend together.

My other friends all have their own best friends, too. I might be considered “one of”, but I’m not anyone’s main go-to person. Or, if I am, they’re not mine, necessarily.

I just want someone of my own- I think that’s what I’ve been lacking all summer. It doesn’t need to be a boy. But just a person that’s my number one; someone who truly is, and not just because they say it with words.

I need my person I can always count on; my person who will hang out with me at one in the morning if I want to. And I know I’ll find them- again, to quote John Mayer, “I’ll be lonely, but I know I’ll be okay- good love is on the way.” Same for friendships.

But I guess it’s just the waiting period that hurts.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten...

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never, ever gave up hope.

-Gigi, "He's Just Not That Into You"

In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.- Arthur Abbott, "The Holiday"

All The Birds Are Humming, All The Bees Are Buzzing...

Now I am walking on my own two feet
The sun is shining
My shadow is stretched across the street
And I meet the eyes of the stranger, I can't quite place him but I wouldn't replace him
For a second or a minute or an hour of the day

- Mandy Moore, "Pocket Philosopher"

The past few days have been filled with plenty of ups and downs. Needless to say, June has started off with a bang.

First off, I found out on Monday that at the beginning of July I'll be working at another elementary school in town. Pretty unbelievable- they told me without any advance notice, and even though I do have the choice to stay at my school, it's not really much of a choice as I'll lose my full-time status and benefits (which would mean no more therapy sessions). The move is because of the child I work with and a few other kids at our school- basically a new school opened a special education classroom and so all the children that were originally zoned for that school now have to go there, including their aides.

I'm not really looking forward to it, at all. I mean, when I think positively, I can say, okay, maybe this will be a nice change. I'll get to meet new people, work with new people I can learn things from, work with new children. As Christina and I joked about on the phone yesterday, maybe the man of my dreams will be working at this school- who knows?

But really, all I can think about is what I'm leaving behind. I've never been a fan of change. As I've gotten older, I've grown to accept and welcome it- but only on MY terms. I don't like when things change and I can't control it. And this is a prime example of that.

I'm REALLY going to miss my co-worker, Lauren. She is not just my coworker, as I described in my last post, she's like my best friend/surrogate mother. It's going to be so hard to work without her. And I'll miss Vanessa and her crazy stories and laughs. And even outside of the classroom, I'll miss all the other teachers I've grown to love. Julie, Rosie, Mrs. S, Jill, Debbie, Naheed, Mrs. Anna...the list goes on and on. And...AND...no more flirting with Mr. Kemp! What will I do?!

It's really sad for me to say goodbye and move on, especially with such short notice. And what if I get to this new school and no one likes me and no one accepts me and I hate my job? I mean, working with my child is stressful enough without having problems with my co-workers.

Then there’s the fact that now I go back to full-time hours on July 6th. So I’ll get a two week vacation and that’s it. No trip to LA, no other fun things I had planned for the summer, really, because I won’t HAVE a summer now. At least I’ll still be able to go camping, and I’ll have weekends off, of course. And I suppose it’ll be good to keep steady hours/paycheck…

I had a huge breakdown yesterday when I left school. I just started crying and kept crying. I know it'll likely be okay- I've only ever ran into a handful of people that don't like me or I can't get along with. And the change might be just the thing my child needs. So I'm trying to look at the brightside, no matter how dark it seems at the moment.

I think the thing most frustrating to me is just that this reinforces the feelings I've already had about this year as a whole- (in the words of Radiohead)- don't get any big ideas- they're not gonna happen.

And it's not so much as dreaming big, it's just the fact that every time I think I have something planned, it gets terribly destroyed. I mean, I had all that progress with the child I was working with, and thought we'd have a great end of the year, and then out of the blue he started to regress. Or I had started to plan some sort of future with Jonathan, and then, well, we know what happened there. And then I finally make the choice to stay at my school, with my child, and then this happens.

It's like every time I make plans for the future, something out of my control changes them. I've always known that life doesn't go exactly according to plan and I've always realized that life is unpredictable, but I'm really seeing concrete proof of it now.

However, I can see how some of the things still worked out fine. I mean, the whole Jonathan debacle, as horrible as it was at the time, was really a blessing in disguise. First of all, the fact that we met was a good thing for me- it made me really happy at a time when I needed an extra boost of happiness. It taught me that I could be loved (never mind if his love wasn't exactly true- I still felt it truly enough), and it taught me how to take risks and overcome challenges. I know exactly what I would do and put up with for someone I love, because of what I went through with Jonathan, and that's an amazing thing.

And then, even the breakup brought good out of it. It's obvious to me now that we had to breakup- it wasn't meant to be. I could say there's some divine reason, but I don't know that for sure. At the least, I know it could be because I deserve better than pretty much everything Jonathan encompasses as a person right now (lying, cheating, and selfishness included). It's also probably because there's someone better out there for me, and for him too. So there's that.

And because of the breakup, I've learned so much. How to spot a liar, or a cheater. I've learned to keep some of guards up, at least for a while, and I've learned to love with both my heart and mind. Him dumping me lead me to therapy which I've needed to go to for years, but wouldn't have done unless something traumatic happened (and I'd rather it be something not so traumatic in retrospect, like a boy dumping me, than something truly traumatic, like me ruining my life in some way). I've gained a lot of self-confidence, and overall dating intelligence from the way the relationship ended. All good things, really.

So see? Even when things don't go the way you "plan", the end result can still be good. I'm just trying to keep the faith in that now. Life is just so unexpected though.

Speaking of unexpected, Fox and I have talked every day since his e-mail on Saturday. It's been wonderful- the fact that he wants to talk to me and keep in touch, the fact that he calls himself "your Fox" in every e-mail he sends me (we've been chatting and e-mailing a ton), the fact that he always reminds me how much he wants me...all of it's been great. He's been having a rough time on his tour though- a week ago he got denied at the Canadian border and had to cancel ten shows, and tonight his flight got delayed and he might have to cancel two more shows. I've volunteered to help him do some promotion stuff online (which really only took me about 1/2) since he'll be stuck in the airport all night and unsure of when he'd be able to do any of it himself.

James and I were on the phone the other night and he asked me what I expected to happen with Fox. And I told him the truth, honestly, "I don't know." I don't.

I guess, in the back of my mind I have some expectations. But none of them are anything that I've planned out completely. I'm not sure if it's because I'm wiser when it come to relationships now (see above for reasons why), or because of my recent lessons on life's unexpectability. But I honestly can't say what I expect to happen.

I mean, with how crazy life is, who knows? For all I know I could very well end up following Fox on tour as his official groupie. Or, I could very well end up losing touch with him and never seeing him again. Or, I could end up dating someone else, forget about Fox, and then somehow magically reunite with him the next time he's in Reno. Or, I could go on talking to him online and on the phone until we see each other again, and we'll pick up right where we left off.

If you were to ask me what I'd want to happen, I'd say this: I'd like for us to keep talking like we are now. What will come of that, I can't say. In the meanwhile, I will continue to live my life. And when Fox and I are in the same city again, I think we both know that we'll be able to pick up where we left off next time- for some reason I doubt that it could ever be awkward between us.

Marcy was asking me other day if I was going to date anyone while Fox toured. I honestly don't know. I think it would be mean of me to date someone when I am emotionally attached to Fox. But at the same time, I don't want to pass up something else good on the chances that Fox and I end up together. So I think it'll all depend on the situation. If the right guy came along, sure I'll date him. Maybe he'll even make me forget Fox. But, I suppose my answer will come if I date this guy and still have the desire to talk about Fox, and see him.

The other night, I remembered how Fox asked me between kisses, "What if I come back and you have a boyfriend?" At the time, I told him I wouldn't, and that if I did, I'd work something out. I know that I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend. But what am I supposed to do? I definitely believe that your heart can belong to two people at one time. I've had it happen to me personally before...

Anyway, this is really all hypothetical. Based on today, I know that I really like Fox, and I really like the fact that he really likes me. And that's more than good enough for now :)

My boy situations have calmed down some since the last post, even. Josh has stopped calling EVERY day, though he did call today to see if I'd come over and watch The Fly with him tonight (don't laugh- I love that movie). Though, someone I didn't expect came back into the picture the other night...

Remember Chris? The guy I met online last summer, who disappeared and then came back again in the winter to explain why he disappeared? Not ringing a bell? Okay, just click here.

Anyway, he came back again the other night. We started IM-ing back and forth and he admitted that he still had feelings for me and never stopped liking me, would "give anything to make love to you [me]", and that I have his heart, should I decide I want it. It really caught me off guard. I mean, a year ago, I probably would've been happy, but a lot has gone on since last August, and I honestly don't feel the same way at ALL. Besides, how could I trust that he'll actually stick around this time? And BESIDES, how can I explain that I'm a little in love with this really sexy, British, traveling musician? I just can't.

I tried to tell him I'd have to think about it, which is definitely not an effective brush off, because last night he was back asking me to come and visit him, and just...argh. Whatever. At least this is a situation I can actually ignore, should I chose to do so.

Enough about me. Today Michelle scared me when she started posting on Facebook and Twitter about moving home, being depressed and trying to (basically) overdose on her anti-depressants. I tried to text her during work, but she didn't reply. I think everyone has the same attitude with Michelle (and don't get me wrong, I have it too), where we know that she goes through these depressed stages every few months, tries to get attention from everyone she can, does nothing to change things, and then just goes on, so we've all grown accustomed to ignoring her.

But I always feel like Michelle is the boy who cried wolf. She keeps threatening to hurt herself, and never does, so everyone stops paying her attention. And one day, she'll be crying out for help and no one will pay attention and that's when it'll really happen. And so, I still get frantic every time, because I don't really know which time will be the one where I'm the only one paying attention. I would never be able to live with myself if one of my friends hurt or killed themselves and I didn't try to stop them.

So after work I drove to Michelle's house. She wasn't there, so I called her. Then I drove to her mom's house and spotted her car outside. I decided to leave it at that, since I know she won't do anything under her mom's care. But it's still nerve-wrecking. And of course, it's about Justin. I really AM tired of that bullshit.


And speaking of being worried, last night I had to take my mom to the ER. She's okay now, but I was really worried for a while there. She had a tooth infection and her gall bladder is infected as well, so it was bad news bears. Especially after the whole work fiasco, I was just drained and feeling pretty down. Fox sent me a really sweet e-mail last night though, and when I didn't reply, sent another one this morning, making sure I/my mom were okay.

See what I mean about him? He's incredibly charming. I don't think I could forget him if I tried.

Coming Around Again...

What would happen if i flew to San Francisco
Wouldn't make much sense
From the outside looking in
Coming around again

You know I love you
What am i supposed to do
You're so far away
I stay on track
You're all over the map
Come back to L.A.

- Mandy Moore, "Bug"

I'm pretty exhausted. Then again, it IS 3 am and I've had a long week with very little sleep. By the way, sorry that I don't update as much as I used to. Life has just been non-stop lately, and I rarely have time. Though I do think twice a week is pretty consistent, and I never leave out a single detail when I DO update. Which I'm sure you all greatly appreciate.

I guess I'll just pick up where I left off from Tuesday. Missy's house was a lot of fun, as expected. Afterwards, I talked to my good friend, Christina on the phone for a bit. I'm going out to LA to see her in July, and we talked a bit about that, among other things. I also mentioned to her that a guy in one of her pictures on Facebook was cute, and it turns out he's her younger cousin, Connor, who just so happens to be single and the same age as me. Christina then encouraged me to add him to Facebook, and we've been e-mailing back and forth since then. Like I REALLY need to add another guy into the crazy mess I have right now. But, I digress...

Anyway, on Wednesday I had therapy again. This session went a lot better than my last one did. We've been talking about a lot of tough things, so it was not surprising for me to leave the session in tears again. Chauncey said I am doing a great job and that he's proud of me, so that's always nice. I really feel a lot of the things we work on in therapy working in my day to day life, which is the exact reason I went to therapy in the first place- to learn new coping methods.

It's a bittersweet situation right now, though. For example, one of the things we talk about is me feeling my emotions as they come- I tend to push stuff away a lot, particularly unpleasant stuff. But now I'm letting myself feel everything and it's overwhelming sometimes. But good. Because it's healthier to just feel it as it comes- to cry, or get angry, or feel bitter, or whatever, rather than locking it up and feeling upset or depressed for a reason you don't understand. It's just hard to deal with when I'm used to not feeling so many things at one time.

Which is funny, because I know everyone thinks I'm constantly brimming over with emotions. Truthfully, I pick and choose. There are plenty of dark places my mind could go, but I choose to never go there. And now, if my mind starts wandering there, I just let it. Terrifying. But, as a whole, good.

Anyway, after therapy, Josh called and asked if I'd come over and watch a movie with him. I agreed, because he had been calling/texting all week anyway, and I was somewhat bored and wanted to do something. We watched the WORST movie ever, "Cannibal Holocaust", but it was actually somewhat fun. Don't get any ideas though.

I sat on the opposite side of the couch from him. When the movie ended, I got up quickly to say goodnight. He asked me, "what are we going to do this weekend." Uh...?

"WE aren't doing anything. I have plans, though..." Was that too mean? Apparently not. He's still called me every day since then- today even leaving TWO messages on my voicemail.

But see, the thing is, I don't dislike Josh. I did the other night on our date, but I didn't on Wednesday- we actually had fun. I just think I don't like him in groups. And I don't want to date him. I think I would know by now if I have those feelings for him, and I clearly do not.

I mean, especially after the whole Fox thing, I know exactly what it feels like to have a great, instant connection with someone. And I don't get that with Josh. I even know what it feels like for it to build. And I'm still not getting that with Josh. Oddly, it's almost exactly as it was with his brother- I think we could be great friends, but nothing more. And just like Justin, Josh is far more into me than I am into him. So, I don't know what to do. I'll probably hang out with him tomorrow, though. FML.

Thursday, I spent the whole day after work with Lauren, since she got her gall bladder out this week and has been at home. I love hanging out with her. It's funny, because she turned 40 this year, and is old enough to be my mother, but we have the best time together. We hung out with her kids too, and it was just a blast. I love Lauren to death, and am extremely happy to have met her and be able to work with her everyday.

I literally hung out with Lauren until night time, and then I met Wolf and Justin and Michelle at the pool. We swam for a while and then ate dinner. Pretty uneventful evening, but it was still fun.

Yesterday was another jammed packed evening. After work, I met Corazon for lunch and then we went to the Planetarium together, since neither of us have been. The Planetarium is pretty cool, and a good deal for only 6 bucks. Deidre met up with us afterwards, and the three of us went and got frozen yogurt. While I was with them, Missy texted me and asked if I wanted to go with her to Ceol's. Right when I texted her back, Joe called and told me he was already drunk (at 7 something, mind you) and wanted to know if Missy and I could come and get him.

So I met Missy at her house and then we picked up Joe and the three of us drove to Ceol's. We didn't stay there long before we headed to this house party. The house party was somewhat fun- not the best time ever, but still a good time.

I ended up getting drunk off of three beers and a mixed drink. I was sitting on the couch next to Missy and this guy, John, who spent most of the night talking to us, smoking hookah. This guy walked up to me and like, beckoned for me with his finger. I assumed he wanted to smoke the hookah, so I handed him the hose.

And then he said (and I'm being completely serious), "No, I want you." Uh...ooookay?

I stood up and he lead me over to the side of the living room to dance with him. He was drunk as well, because when I yelled over the music, "What's your name?" He replied, "I'M MEXICAN!"

I'm laughing just thinking about it. Anyway, we end up dancing to two songs, and then, next thing you know, he's kissing me. Except it was more like sucking my lips than kissing.

I was saying a few weeks ago (after Fox, I believe) that I have been fortunate enough to have never had a bad kiss. I can officially take that back. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh, but he wasn't a GOOD kisser, by any means. Cute, he certainly was. A good kisser? Not so much. As I summed it up on the car ride home, "I think he gave my lip a hickey!" Yeah. Not so good.

At least Missy made me feel better by telling me she's kissed a random guy before too, and so had Becca. I mean, I don't think it's a sin to kiss people you don't know. In fact, I think it's totally fine. It's just something I don't normally do. Then again, I don't normally get cute guys coming up to me saying that they want me. Well, until recently, that is.

Joe shrugged the whole thing off by saying, "Whatever. You only live once."

Agreed.

Though I had to pay for all my drinking (which was actually not a ton of drinking- and once again, with passion: FML!) this morning when I had a hangover. I slept over Missy's house and I was super sick most of the day. Luckily, I dried up by the evening and we went swimming before the crazy lightening/thunder shower hit.

After Joe and I went swimming at Missy's, we headed home to get ready to go to Cecilia's (Corazon's older sister) BBQ. While I was waiting for Joe to pick me up, I checked my e-mail and to my absolute delight, Fox e-mailed me!

I haven't heard from him since last Monday. I hadn't really given up in him, but at the same time, I haven't actively been hoping to hear from him either. It was definitely a pleasant surprise though.

The BBQ was really fun tonight, too. Cecilia and her husband, Ben, are always fun to hang out with, and it's been good to see Corazon twice in a weekend, especially since she'll be leaving to Prague soon. Everyone at the BBQ was a lot of fun- there were lots of laughs, entertainment (mostly via Ben- he does all sorts of crazy acrobatics and fire dancing stuff) and wieners to be had (and that's what she said).

Joe and I stayed until almost midnight, and then we went home. I'm still up, thinking, honestly. With how busy I've been all week, I've had little to no time alone, so it's nice to just be with my thoughts.

Mike and I have talked a bit this week. I'm kinda back to where I was last month, in the regard that I really just don't think he knows what the hell he wants. He wants me, but not with a commitment, which both hurts and pisses me off. Honestly, I guess Jonathan wanted the same thing, and at least Mike is truthful about it, unlike Jonathan, but either way- it's not okay and not what I want.

Corazon was teasing me for the e-mail Fox sent, because he ended it with (and this is directly copied and pasted from the e-mail, no joke), "You are fucking gorgeous and I want you so FUCKING BADLY."

At least he's straightforward. I'd take that any day over Mike, who basically says, "I want you, but I don't want you..." every time I talk to him. I'd take that over Josh, who ignores me when things don't go his way on a date, but then calls me every day and refers to us as though we're a couple (as he said on the voicemail tonight, "I got those Netflix movies we looked at." Stop referring to "us" as a "we"! There IS no we!). I'd take that over Jonathan, who lied to me over and over again, which I was thinking about tonight. I mean, he flat out lied when I asked him if he'd slept with anyone after San Francisco. And totally thought that was okay.

It's not okay. None of it is okay.

If I could write a single piece of advice for every woman to take, it would be this: Don't let a man dictate the way he can treat you. It is all in your control. If something isn't okay with you, or if he's doing something to you or treating you a way you don't like to be treated, don't put up with it. Because for every man that won't treat you right, chances are, there's a man who will. And you're wasting time that could be spent with him with someone that's not even worth it. You're worth it. So find someone else who is.

Oh, Those Summer Nights...

Here's to the nights where the sand is your seat,
the waves kiss your feet, your friends outnumber the stars,
and even the chilliest of nights, are still warmer
than the cold one in your hand.

It's extremely hot today. It's really been hot all weekend. As much as I love the heat, it's always way better when I can be in a pool. Luckily the weekend involved tons of swimming. But let's recap first.

So, Thursday night I hung out with Missy and Joseph. The three of us went to lunch at this restaurant by the University called Archie’s, and then went back to Missy's house to help Joe do some tie-dye shirts for his class (he's doing a lesson on the 70's/hippies, so his classes all did tie-dye shirts). Afterwards, Missy and I went to this game night with some of her and Rusty's friends. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that I only knew Missy. We played Cranium and drank some glasses of wine- all in all, a fun night.

Friday started off being a really good day. Work went by fast, especially since it was a short day and we got out early. I did a little shopping and bought some new clothes, and then met up with Michelle and Wolf to go shopping for masks (which I will explain later on).

Now, Josh had still been calling me every single day last week. Seriously, he'd call during work, after work, at night, etc. to see if I could hang out with him. We had actually made plans to hang out on Thursday after he got done babysitting, but he didn't call me when he said he would, so I went to the party with Missy, instead. He called me, of course, but it was too late by then, so I told him we'd reschedule.

Anyway, during work on Friday, Josh texted me and asked if I was free. I told him I was going clubbing- as Friday was the night that Miguel was having his masquerade-themed birthday party/Cesar's going away party (Cesar is going to Spain to study abroad from the summer), but not until later. Josh proceeded to tell me that he had tickets to a comedy show and he wanted me to be his date.

Finally, finally, I agreed to go on a date with him. I don't know what changed my mind- possibly the fact that all of my friends kept telling me to either "shit or get off the pot"- either go on a date with him and see if I like him, or tell him I'm not interested. I figured the comedy show sounded like a good idea, so after I met with Michelle and Wolf I went home and got ready.

Josh picked me up on time and we drove to Tahoe in his truck. We had to go to this club on North Shore, so it was about an one hour drive. We actually had pretty good conversations- mostly about dating and relationships. Even though Josh is 26, he's never really had a long term relationship, except with his ex, which ended when she told him he couldn't provide for her and he needed to grow up. His ex is 19. This seemed like a bad sign.

I told him about my dating history, and the most recent Jonathan story. The conversation was surprisingly fluid and not as awkward as it would seem; I mean, typically you don't talk about your exes on a date, but it wasn't really a bad conversation. Except when Josh told me his crazy views on dating (which are, to put it short- you meet someone and marry them, no matter how much you don't get along. Basically, the first person you date is the person you should ultimately marry. I hope Josh realizes that if I had done that, I'd be married to his BROTHER right now. Uber awkward).

Anyway, we got to the show and it was pretty hilarious. We drove back to Reno around 10 something, which was perfect because I was supposed to meet everyone at the club around 11. I invited Josh, and Josh invited his friend, Matthew, so he could have a friend too. We met up with Wolf, Michelle and my friend, Olivia, downtown and the group of us headed to the club.

We started at Bliss, which is like, my least favorite club in Reno. It's lame mostly because it has an 18 and up night (eww), plays crappy techno music, and every time I go, no one is there. Friday night was no exception. We had about 15 people in our group and we made up the ENTIRE club, besides one other small group of people. The only good thing about Bliss was 1) I ended up getting in without paying a cover and 2) The bartender gave me free drinks (go cleavage!).

We made the best out of it though. A lot of my friends were there, obviously, so I went and danced with them as soon as I got to the club. I think this threw Josh off- he seems to be very needy for attention or something, which was great during the date, because all my attention was clearly on him. But as soon as I started dancing with my friends and stuff, he got quiet (ala last weekend) and didn't talk to anyone. Even Matthew, who hadn't slept in 24 hours and knew NO ONE there, seemed to open up more and have more fun. It was odd.

Then, the next thing I know, Josh is talking to someone- but it's to one of Miguel's friends- a Japanese exchange student. Not only is he talking to her- he's blatantly flirting with her- running into corners with her and coming back giggling, attempting to dance ("attempt" being the key word, 'cause Lord knows the boy cannot dance!), etc.

Wolf, Michelle and Olivia were laughing because as I said, "I'm glad he found someone!"- but still, it was a bit rude. I mean, you do NOT go on a date with someone and then start flirting with another girl. I don't care if the date is going bad or whatever. It's just rude.

My friend James made a perfect analogy. "I think Josh just realized the date was crashing and burning," he said, when I told him what happened. "It's like when you try to cook a fancy dinner at home and then you burn it. What's the first thing you do? Order Chinese takeout."

I couldn't stop laughing.

Anyway, that's exactly what Josh did. Well, Japanese takeout, but you get the point. Fucking annoying.

We decided to leave Bliss and head to my favorite bar, 5 Star, and the whole walk there, Josh and I pretty much ignored each other. He spent the walk trying to talk to the Japanese girls (there were 2 of them), which was just awkward because they barely spoke English anyway. Then, as we were walking, he backed up to talk to two girls who were walking behind us. I think everyone saw this as a desperate act- first of all, neither of the girls was attractive, and second, neither of them were even interested in him. Just embarrassing, really.

I even said, "Wow, that was desperate." Matthew started laughing and I think Josh got mad, but I don't care. I was really annoyed. Once we got to 5 Star, I pretty much forgot about Josh and spent the night dancing with my friends. I ran into this guy, David, that I know and we said hi and danced a bit too. We didn't stay at 5 Star long before moving onto a club around the corner called Divine.

Divine was a lot of fun. It had no cover (which is even more amazing, given how awesome of a club it is), and had a really cool interior, including an upstairs area that you have to be let into by a bouncer. The bouncer IMMEDIATELY let me, Olivia and Michelle in, which was like, awesome, celebrity-status treatment. The guys had to wait a few minutes, which made all of us laugh.

Dancing at Divine was awesome. I saw another guy named David that I know there, and we danced and he kissed me before leaving. A chaste kiss, of course, but it was still sweet and good to see him. Then some random guy started stalking me on the dance floor and Olivia and this other really cute guy had to save me. Cute guy and I spent the majority of the night dancing, and I must say, it was really nice to go to a STRAIGHT club for once, because I actually noticed a lot of guys looking at me and I danced with two super cute guys. I dance with cute guys at the gay clubs too, but it's a lot more exciting to dance with guys that actually find me attractive and are not just drawn to me because I'm a "fairy princess" (as my gay friends call me- I prefer it over the term "fag hag").

Anyway, the whole time, Josh was glaring at me from the wall. I'll admit that I really played up the attention because of his flirty ways earlier- I mean, I hate playing dating games, but if a guy insists on playing them (as Josh obviously does- and actually said on the way to Tahoe, “I love playing games when I’m dating”), I'll play back. And I'll win. As I clearly did. Because I didn't come off as desperate, the guys all came up to ME, they spoke English and were all attractive- more attractive than Josh, actually. So there.

Then, as the night ended, Olivia and I ran into some guys we knew from High School on the street. One of them, Andres, asked for my number (Josh started loudly asking for the Japanese girl's numbers at this moment. So lame) to call me this weekend. He actually did, but I was out of town and he lives in San Diego at the moment, so nothing's gonna happen there. But it was still flattering.

Olivia drove me home, which was my choice. Josh seemed caught off guard when I said that I was going home with her- I don't know if he was hoping for a end of date kiss, but he wouldn't have gotten one anyway.

Liv and I spent a good hour eating Jack in the Box and then talking in her car about random stuff. I didn't get into my room until 4 am, then James called and I gave him a recap of the night. I didn't go to sleep until 5:30 and then woke right up at 11:30 to have lunch with Joseph.

After lunch, we met with Justin, Michelle and Wolf at Justin and Michelle's pool and swam all day. Around dusk, we decided to throw a little barbecue in Michelle's parent's backyard (because they have a nice backyard and a Jacuzzi), and we moved the party over there.

The barbecue was really fun. We had beers and steak and chicken, and sat around on the deck, drinking and laughing and talking while the Jacuzzi heated up. When the sun set, we took some margaritas out to the Jacuzzi and all got in. Things got a bit interesting in the Jacuzzi- Wolf took his pants off and tried to get me to do some "comparisons" in the water, which I declined, but Joe didn't...and just...yeah. Weird. I'm glad I wasn't THAT drunk- I definitely didn't have any regrets the next day.

When we got out the Jacuzzi, I was surprised to see that Mike D. had texted me. We haven't spoken since last month when I got fed up with him. I had a feeling that he hadn't talked to me because he thought I was mad at him, which I was, so we went a whole month without any communication. Of course, I didn't forget about him, but I took him out the scheme of things concerning my dating life- particularly since our last conversation just pissed me off.

Anyway, I was slightly drunk still, so I forgot about being mad and texted him back. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I told him about making out with Fox. He didn't respond to that, but instead said he wasn't seeing anyone either. I asked him if he was waiting for me. He called me a tease.

Uh, really? I'm not a tease. I told him I wasn't a tease and he insisted that I was. I told him I was incredibly sincere, and he said I was but, "You're still a tease." Throughout all this texting, Joe and I are driving to Justin and Michelle's house to watch a movie and drink some more. I updated Joe the whole time with the convo and Joe agreed with me that Mike obviously wanted me, but wouldn't admit it for some reason.

Finally, I flat out ask him what he wants. He replies and says nothing, and then I write back and say he MUST, otherwise he wouldn't be texting me at 11 pm on a Saturday night. He finally admits that he does, in fact, "want me", but doesn't think a long distance relationship would work. I asked him if he lived in Reno, would it be different. And he said it probably would.

Gah.

So, we text back and forth a while longer and (because I was still buzzed), I admit that I am afraid of being hurt again or used. Mike replied and said, "Do you think I'm trying to use you?" And I said I didn't know. He wrote back simply saying, "I'm not."

The conversation ended with him going to bed since he had to work at 6 the next morning, and me feeling ultimately confused, yet satisfied.

I mean, I don't want a long-distance relationship either. And I think Mike is right- a long distance relationship wouldn’t work very well, especially with the two of us. Well, that's not true. I think if we both tried, we could make it work. But with Mike working two jobs, he's always super busy and not consistent enough to be a boyfriend- particularly not a long distance one.

But then, there's the fact that we like each other. Mike said in very clear terms that he is attracted to me, and would like our friendship to be something more, but I don't really know how I feel about that in this point in time, particularly since we are not in a relationship and might not be in one at any foreseeable time. It's kinda crappy.

But, at least I know for sure that we feel the same way about each other. That made me feel a lot better, actually.

At Justin and Michelle's, we watched Donnie Darko and had margaritas again- pretty fun end to the night. Joe and I left around 2 because we had to get up in the morning to drive to Rocklin, California.

Missy's mom and dad were having a barbecue on Sunday, so they invited Joe and I to come and party with them and Missy. It was about a two hour drive there (Joe and I have driven to their house before, so it was no big deal, really), and then Missy, Joe and I went on a "tour" of Rocklin, which ended with us getting frozen yogurt and pitas.

We got back to the house and went swimming, and then the barbecue started. Missy's friend, Garrett, came and the four of us hung out all evening- playing board games, going on an epic trip to Wal-Mart (long story), chatting and watching V for Vendetta. Garrett was a really cool guy- very laid back, and had the whole surfer look going- which works perfectly for him, seeing as how he's moving to Santa Cruz at the end of the summer. Missy and I told him he'd have to come and visit us in Reno before he moves, and he seemed pretty excited about it, so hopefully we'll see him this summer. He's just one of those really fun people that you immediately like.

Joe and I spent the night at the Henry's house, and the next morning we got up pretty early to leave. Missy's bought us all Starbucks and we spent a few hours catching up with Missy's parents before heading back to Reno. Joe and I had lunch together at this new Thai place, and then I followed him back to his house and took a nap on his bed while he worked on some stuff for his classes this week. After I woke up, we went and got Corazon and had coffee and went for a drive. It was a nice end to the weekend, for sure.

I'm heading over to Missy's house now to watch a chick flick and have dinner. It's Mike's birthday today, which I actually didn't know until earlier, when I texted him asking when his birthday was (pretty funny. It's also interesting to me that we are both Geminis...I've been studying astrology a lot recently and I've never had any sort of romantic relationship with another Gemini. Apparently this is supposed to be ideal, hmmm).

Oh, and just to keep you all updated: No, I haven't heard from Fox since last week, but I do know that he just got denied at the Canadian border and is having a hard time on his tour (sad face. He should've just stayed here with me in Reno). Josh called me on Saturday night (why?! I don't know!), and hasn't called me since- because his phone died. Elgin is pretty much out of the picture, but I think if we were to hang out again, there'd be the same amount of flirting as there was last time. And I really have too many guys in my life.

I don't want to become a nun, Lord knows I could never become a Lesbian, but I can certainly take a vow of life-long celibacy. Or at least, just stop talking to all men until I find one worth talking to.