Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Feel Like A Newborn...

And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real
Could you take my picture?
'Cause I won't remember

- Filter, "Take A Picture"

[Disclaimer: Reading this back, I think this is probably one of the most honest, raw, unfiltered blogs I've ever written. That being said, it probably makes little sense to anyone but me, and perhaps Jonathan, and maybe not even him, as this is all a bit scattered. I'm not going to apologize for that though- just saying- take this as it is.]

Sometimes it takes a really good friend to remind you of who you are.

I hate to think that I lost who I was in a few days, but I think I did. Not completely, and not in an entirely bad way, but it’s amazing what love can do to you and how you can get caught up in it. I mean, to quote Everwood (and don’t even scoff- there was some deep wisdom in that show, for real!)

There's nothing in the world like being young and in love. It gives you the power to do things you would never have had the courage to do otherwise. It inspires you to make yourself vulnerable, put your heart on the line...To give more than you can give. To speak heart-felt sentiments you thought only existed in old books and flowery poetry. And it can make you forget everything except love itself. That one thing that makes life worth living. The object of your affection...Inspired by love, we can move mountains, make great changes, do great things. But we can also become so blinded by it that we forget everything, everyone. Even ourselves.

I can’t really tell you everything that happened this weekend. So if you can’t follow this blog, I am sorry. But this is the best way I can explain it, and since you’re reading my blog, my jumbled and non-sequitur thoughts, you get what you get.

I can tell you that there were parts that were certainly amazing, and everything I dreamed of and more (heh). And there were parts that I’m ashamed of and parts I wish I could do over again. I can’t even tell you if I really love Jonathan, or if I fell in love with the idea of loving Jonathan. I know that I do love him as a person and that he is someone I can fall in love with…when such a thing would actually make sense.

We just got done having a conversation about everything and I think I know why everything was so intense and at the same time such a let down. It’s really weird to have such a deep emotional connection with someone that you’ve only ever spent five days with in reality. Wolf and I were talking about the same exact thing yesterday (actually in regards to a situation he’s in)- it’s weird when you meet someone online because all you have to rely and base things on is that connection you have online or through texting or whatever, and of course that’s a deep connection because it’s all based on feeling and emotion.

So things progressed a lot quicker than they would’ve ever progressed had Jonathan and I met in person somehow instead. And a big part of my heart really did fall in love with Jonathan, and I held on to that part of me so much that I let it overshadow any other part of me (see the above quote from Everwood- particularly the part about forgetting ourselves), and I don’t know exactly what happened from that point on, but I do know that everything got very confusing and complicated thereafter. And you know, everyone warned me that sex does change things and it makes things different, and I didn’t really believe it at the time, but I know it’s true now.

And it’s really hard to deal with a feeling you have for someone that you normally would only have developed after a much longer period of time or a deeper all around connection when you only have a few days to spread it all out. It’s hard to present the best package of yourself in a few days, and so I think I didn’t present much of anything at all. And to be honest, I don’t think Jonathan really did either.

It wasn’t awkward, really. And it wasn’t really weird. There were some great moments, and then there were nothing moments. When the silence is the best thing you can think of, that’s not really a good sign, is it?

Still, it was what it was. I wouldn’t take it back, but I would make it better, all of it, if I could.

But here’s the thing that makes me feel completely triumphant right now- I feel like I’ve learned about a million things from this one experience. And you know, one of my goals in this New Year is just to experience things. Good and bad things. And yeah, yesterday and the day before, this all felt like a really bad thing. A REALLY bad thing. What’s worse than (again) loving someone who doesn’t feel quite the same as you? Until I realized that wait- that’s not even me- I don’t even love him in the way I thought I did either. A part of me does, that’s undeniable. But a part of me (as I said), just really loved the thought of loving him. And that’s two different things. And I think it could be more. I think it will be the real thing…one day. One day when it makes more sense for it to be the real thing. When life isn’t so complicated and things aren’t so confusing. But that time is not now.

One of my favorite John Mayer songs is this song called Tracing. I’ve always been drawn to this song, just because I thought it was an interesting concept. I’ve known the song for years, but this is the first time in my life that I can totally and completely relate to it.

Do you ever get the feeling
That we started in the middle
Or have you ever had the sense
That we've been lying just a little
I mean come on
It's not like we've known ourselves that long

And I can't say I really blame you
For being bored with the beginning
Always staring at the score
To figure out who's barely winning
But don't you know
There is a reason strong move slow

And I'm okay
If you're okay with
Wasting time
But when you trace
You always see the bottom line

We are tracing
I hope you know
We are tracing

And if you want to know the moment
I knew that I was still alone
I found I'd never learned your number
I only stored it in my phone
You'd think by now
I'd know the shape of calling home

I kinda think that’s what Jonathan and I were doing. We had the groundwork, in a way, of something real, but at the same time, how much do you really know about a person you’ve only known for a few months, most of which you know only from their own words and through written communication? How much do we really know about our own selves? And how much can you really build when we both spent some of our time lying both to ourselves and each other?

We were tracing, you know. And when you trace, you always see the bottom line, eventually. It’s always there when it’s never really the real thing.

So here’s to taking things slow and here’s to building something real. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us at all. Not at all. But I know that there is something there, though we didn’t really figure it out this weekend. And I believe in all my heart that there is a reason for everything- a reason for why we randomly met and were thrown together in this crazy way.

But I think the best thing I got out of this is remembering who I am. Remembering that I am strong, that I am me, that what I have come from and where I am going makes me who I am- not loving someone, or trying to be someone else in order to love them. That’s stupid. Frankly.

And I’m not stupid (contrary to popular belief. I mean, I know I have plenty of dumb blonde moments, but that’s a different story). That’s not who I am at all.

But you know, sometimes it takes a really good friend to remind you of who you are.