I'm An Extraordinary Machine

Honestly, We'll Never Stop This Train ♥

2011-06-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

I never update here and I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore, but I felt it appropriate to blog today, on my 24th birthday (since the last time I blogged was on my 23rd birthday).

This year is different than last year, however, because I just have this overwhelming feeling of thankfulness; thankful to be alive, to be myself, to be young, and beautiful and healthy and smart...and to just be whole and (pretty much) comfortable in my own skin. The truth is, none of us ever really know when our time is up, and God, am I thankful to add another year to my life. I think about some of my friends whom have already passed away, or my friends with incurable diseases and it makes me sad, of course, but it also makes me appreciate my own life even more. Every year that we get to live is a blessing- I understand that now. Life is less about stopping the train and more about enjoying the ride.

Don't get me wrong, my life is not perfect. I don't have a lot of the things that I want; my life isn't the perfect picture of what I thought it'd be when I was younger, or hell, even a year ago. But, I have many things I wouldn't have expected either. I have my apartment (with no roommates- finally!), I have financial stability, I have good friends who love me, I have a good family and I have a God who loves me too. My life may not be perfect, but I'm happy with it- flaws and all.

I don't think life will ever be perfect- at least, not for someone like me. It's not as though I'm never satisfied; I am- but I'm always looking for the next thing to work towards, so I'll always have some goal to reach toward in the future. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I'm looking forward to the seeing just what I can accomplish and learn in the next year.

Here's to an amazing journey! <3

'Cause Now I See I'll Never Stop This Train...

2010-06-15T00:37:00.000-07:00

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun..."
- John Mayer, "Stop This Train"

The older I get, the less appreciative I seem to be about aging. I remember when I was a child- every birthday brought me closer to exciting things- being 10 (double digits, so cool!), turning 13 (old enough to legitimately watch PG-13 movies!), sweet 16 (awesome birthday party with a limo ride), 17 (old enough to legitimately watch Rated-R movies!), 18 (old enough for voting, smoking, and sex shops...not that I did the latter two ;)), 21 (self-explanatory...).

Once I got past 21, though, I started viewing birthdays as things to dread. 22 (who cares? Nothing exciting there!), 23 (that weird in between age), 25 (oh, God...now I'm actually a "REAL" adult- I just hope I have my shit together by then), 27 (My God, I hope I'm married by then and have a sturdy job, or else I'm really screwed), 30 (it's all over...).

I'm not sure why we're conditioned to think this way- it's really idiotic, actually. Of course, with each year old you turn, there are more responsibilites to be had, but there's still things to be excited about. And when it comes down to it, what's the alternative to getting older? Dying. And I don't want that.

I was feeling kinda down about turning 23 this year. Just because, as I said above, 23 is that weird in-between age. And I know everyone that's older than me, in their forties or above, are rolling their eyes, but take a second and remember what it was like when you were turning 23. Maybe you weren't as introspective as I am, but I generally feel like 23 is the age where you're supposed to be getting it together. You should be on the road towards a career, towards complete independence. People get married at 23. People have kids, buy houses, graduate from college, start careers, buy cars...at 23. When my mom was 23, I was already two years old!

I don't feel like I'm failing at life, not at all, but at the same time, I'm no where near any of those things. And it kind of makes me feel weird to say, "I've been on this earth for 23 years, and I'm nowhere near any of those things. I WOULD be done with college, but then I took a break...and...." Yeah. It's an odd feeling.

I was feeling all depressed about it, and then I stumbled upon a Facebook fan book for the Cancer Treatment Center of America. And I saw this one comment:

"Today, I turn 25 yrs old. Thank you for making that possible."

I started crying, and am, in fact, crying now. Because here I am, lamenting, taking for granted the fact that I'm getting older, and someone is is so very thankful to even be alive another year.

I know it's cliche, but we really do only have one life. And every year we have of this life isn't promised to us. It can be a blessing, or we can let it be a waste. I'm going to make the choice to embrace each year as a blessing.

Because I'd much rather turn 23 today than face the alternative...

Next Year, Baby...

2010-03-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

Next year, things are gonna change. Gonna drink less beer, and start all over again. Gonna read more books, gonna keep up with the news, gonna learn how to cook, and spend less money on shoes.

I’ll pay my bills on time, and file my mail away, everyday. Only drink the finest wine, and call my Gran every Sunday.

Well, resolutions, baby, they come and go. Will I do any of these things? The answer is probably, “no.”

But if there’s one thing I must do, despite my greatest fears: I’m gonna say to you, how I’ve felt all of these years…next year.

- Jamie Cullum, "Next Year, Baby"

A House By The Sea...

2010-01-25T00:50:00.000-08:00

I wish that I lived in a house by the sea, with windows that face the ocean, and bookshelves lined with books I've read over and over again.

I wish that I lived in a house by the sea, with my record player always on, playing my favorite CDs on vinyl, because it's better that way.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, where I'd drink hot tea all evening long, and walk along barefooted on hardwood floors.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, and you'd be living there with me. We'd lay in bed all morning, and sit on the porch all night.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea, and we'd make love in front of the bookshelves,
on the hardwood floor. And then have tea on the rug.

I wish I lived in a house by the sea. I'm thinking I should just move to Maine.

The Difference Between You And I...

2010-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

The difference between you and I is
You'll let him tear you down over and over again
Hoping he'll build you up
Though he never will
And it's not because he can't
He really just doesn't care

The difference between you and I is
You'll stick around, hoping that eventually
He'll see you for the amazing girl
That you tell yourself you are
When you're at the theater alone
And he's there holding hands with the other girl he's fucking

The difference between you and I is
You'll keep thinking something will change
And you'll look for a million little examples
Of how it is changing and how it will
When really, you're just deluding yourself with his lies
And worst yet, the lies you tell yourself

The difference between you and I is
Not a remarkable difference, really
We're both women, yearning for love
We, both, at some point fell for him
We both got our hearts bruised
But you stayed for more

The difference between you and I is
I'm not willing to sell myself short,
Tell myself lies or cry myself to sleep at night
Just on the chance
That I might actually receive the love I'm searching for
From him

But, perhaps, the biggest difference between you and I is
You're weak
And I'm strong.

A Moment. A Love. A Dream. Aloud. A Kiss. A Cry. Our Rights. Our Wrongs.

2010-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

"If Tom had learned anything, it was that you can’t ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That’s all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence. It took a long time, but Tom had finally learned. There are no miracles. There is no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be. He knew. He was...pretty sure."
- 500 Days of Summer

I just finished watching "500 Days of Summer". I didn't really know what to expect of the movie, but I definitely didn't expect it to leave me feeling this way.

The movie is about love, but it's not a love story. Not at all. It ends with the two main characters parting ways, which is all too familiar to me, and anyone else who is single, of course. I related mostly to the character of Tom, not the female lead, Summer; I am not a pragmatic, idealist who doesn't believe in fate, or hope, and falling in love. I am Tom- hopelessly hopeful that somewhere out there is my soul mate, the person God intended for me to be with, etcetera.

Sometimes, however, I wish I was Summer.

It seems easier to be a Summer. To not wonder, "Is he the ONE?" with every other guy I date. Even when they are clearly not. But that hopeless romantic in me looks for all the signs that they could be...never the signs that they aren't.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Of course, this is mostly spurred by the fact that: 1) I just got out of a short-lived, albeit, somewhat intense, relationship, 2) I'm doing this slightly insane thing and 3) Well...I'm always thinking about love.

I haven't been in love many times, to be truthful. The first time I ever fell in love, I was twenty years old. I didn't really know what love was yet, nor did I know how to love someone completely. And actually, I'm still not convinced that I'm fully sure on either of those things, but I digress.

My first love ended, I was hurt, time passed, and eventually, it didn't hurt anymore. I fell in love again, as documented somewhat in this blog, almost exactly a year ago. And we all know how that ended.

And that's it. I never fell in love with Fox, though I will admit to falling for him. There is a distinct difference- trust me. I never fell in love with Ian. I could have. I knew on our third or fourth night together, sitting in his car in my driveway, listening to this mix CD he had made; our hands clasped together in the dark, our lips only leaving each others as we sang the song playing on the car stereo. I knew then that I could fall in love with him, that he could fall in love with me. We never made it that far, though. I'm still not sure if I'm thankful for that. Maybe it's better to not have fallen in love with someone when it's only going to end. Then again, I can't say if Ian and I are a closed case. I don't feel like I can say anything about matters of love anymore.

On New Year’s Eve, before going out, I was reading my private journal- reflecting on the year before it ended. I then ended up on Facebook, and started reading my Wall-to-Wall with someone, and then read some of our gTalk transcripts, and my heart did a sort of back flip in my chest when I realized that I felt something distinctly different for this person than I had ever realized. I love him. And it was a weird moment, because once I had put a name on how I feel for him, it all made sense. And all the time we spent together in the past years, all of our conversations, all the times I laughed at his expense, or shared something with him, or the times that he made me laugh when I felt like crying, or all the times when I made him laugh when he felt like crying...all of it came soaring through my memories in full blown Technicolor, and I realized...I've loved him all along. No, not love at first sight, but I'd say I've loved him for much longer than I realized.

He doesn't know. He won't know.

Is it selfish of me to keep my love to myself? I don't think so. I can love him without him ever knowing- I have been for the past year or so, after all. It’s not even that I don’t think he loves me. He might. In fact, I think he does. It's a moot point, really. But in my defense, it seems neater this way, for both of us; why risk the unexplored, the unpromised, the Jonathans, the Ians, the Foxs, the Mikes...all the loves that have ended so tragically- with someone I would never want to see “the end” with? I cannot promise that it'll be right- that it would end up all fairytales, and violins and red roses- and neither could he. There's no point in touching something that almost seems too perfect to touch. At least not now.

I've been having this thought over and over again: "Unrequited love is the best love."

I don't mean that indefinitely. But, sometimes, it's better to leave some things unsaid. At least, for now.

Then again, I don't know anything about love, really. I think I do, sometimes. But when it comes down to it, love is just another mystery that I've yet to solve.

Perspective

2010-01-07T19:42:00.001-08:00

In my 7^th grade art class, we once had to do a lesson on perspective. The lesson was an exercise in lines and dimensions- you start off with a small point in the center of your page and from there on expand out to the edges. The flat paper suddenly became a life-like cityscape; buildings shot up from the horizon line and towered above the sidewalks that I had created with my number two pencil.

I was thinking tonight about a lot of different situations I’ve encountered in my life, and it reminded me of that lesson. What started off as a small issue, a tiny black dot on in the center of my paper, often turned into a big deal- a building looming over the horizon.

There are so many moments in life when something little snowballs into a huge ordeal. It begins with a tiny fight with a friend. A disagreement with an employer. A misunderstanding between two lovers. A bill gone unpaid. A flat tire. A bad date. And so it goes.

And then something else happens. The stress from that flat tire merges into your personal life. You get into a fight with a family member. Because of that, you’re miserable and start snapping at your best friend. You’re so distraught that you oversleep and show up late for work. You get to work, and your boss berates you for being late. You’re under so much stress that you crack, and scream at your boss. You get a write up and get sent home. And now you have to figure out who will give you a ride, because your car is at home with the flat tire, and you’re not talking to your sister and your best friend, because you were so stressed from that initial flat tire that you lashed out on them.

It’s just like art project. That tiny black dot expanded into ten buildings, crowding the sidewalk…when all it was at first, was a tiny black dot.

But, see? It’s all a matter of perspective.

It’s easy to get lost on the sidewalk. It’s easy to get lost in life’s problems. Things always seem worse when you’re right in the thick of them. It’s when you step away from the street, when you step back from your own life and look at everything in perspective, when you see that it isn’t all that bad, after all.

Will the things that are bugging you now matter a day from now? Probably so. What about a week from now? Maybe. A month? Possibly not. A year? Highly doubtful.

I journal every single night for this very reason. I was re-reading my journal the other night, and I was in Fall of 2006. I was so distraught over things going on in my life, and because I hadn’t gone into good detail, when I re-read the entry now, I had no clue why I was even so upset. There were a million little things bugging me, sure. Money issues, family issues, car issues, boy issues. But nothing that has greatly impacted who I am today, or my life in the long run. It’s funny how the things we think matter so much fade into oblivion after time.

That line of buildings, after all, was originally nothing more than a tiny black dot in the center of your paper.

But, then again, it’s all a matter of perspective.

It Took A While For You To Find Me...

2009-12-24T15:58:00.000-08:00

Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and then love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round

it took a while for you to find me
because i was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
i poked a hole and watched it drain out

- Trevor Hall, "The Lime Tree"

It's Christmas Eve. Can't believe this year went by so fast. Well, in some ways it went by fast. Sometimes it seemed slow. Painfully slow, almost. But now it's nearly over, and I can't help but look towards the future with an optimistic smile.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I've been seeing this guy, Ian, and it's been a bit of a roller coaster...one second, it's the best thing ever, the next second it's fizzling, then we're on fire again, then we're broken up completely, and now we're seeing each other again.

I think the thing that I'm happy about, though, is that I'm completely in control of what happens with him. And I suppose I always had been, with any guy I was seeing, but I never realized it before.

I don't know how to put this in non-corny terms, but I guess I've finally realized my own worth.

This has been a huge realization for me, and it honestly took this up and down with Ian for me to realize that I am beautiful, in and of myself. I don't need to look to a relationship to make me stable, or anyone else, because I AM stable- all on my own.

Last night, I tweeted this affirmation that I had thought of:

"I will always feel insecure, so long as I look to other people to provide my security. I need to be secure in and of myself."

I ask that all of us take a look at that, and realize that, and OWN it. It's true. You provide your own security. Outside sources can only provide so much, either way. Yeah, someone can make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. Or someone can make you sad and tear you down. But you've got to be strong in yourself and on your own. Never let someone else determine or dictate who you are. That's the thing I learned the most this year.

And it's funny, because one of my resolutions was to work on loving myself completely, and it was something I put up as novelty, really, because I say that every year, and it never really happens.

But this year, there's this inner-peace I feel inside, this confidence I've never had before, and I feel like I'm closer than ever before. And it's all me. That's a great feeling.

I was talking with James today, and I always enjoy talking to him, because he gives me such a great outer perspective on what's going on with my life. I was retelling the Ian story to him, and he just started laughing mid-way through.

"You already know exactly what you want and exactly what you're going to do," he said.

I paused and realized he was right. "I know. I just needed validation, I guess."

He laughed again. "That's the funniest thing about you, Britt. And I've never said this to you, but I'm going to tell you now- you always have it figured out. You don't need validation from anyone else. You validate yourself."

I guess I knew that. I do validate my own thoughts and actions. It's true.

I feel like I'm miles away from the girl that I was this time last year. It's a good, whole, all-encompassing feeling. I love it.

"It took a while for you to find me..."

It took a while for me to find myself. Nice to meet you, Brittany Brown.

War Of My Life...

2009-12-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

- John Mayer, "War of My Life"

If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is incredibly unpredictable. Things come and go, and come again and linger, and sometimes stay, but mostly go again.

I guess it's not ever really a bad thing, so long as you remember why things came and why they left. So long as you get something out of each experience you have- good or bad- it's never really an ultimately bad thing.

I think Ms. Marilyn Monroe summed it up best:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."

Either way, I'll be really glad when this year ends. It's been a rough one.

Five Hundred, Twenty Five Thousand, Six Hundred Minutes...

2009-12-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love?
- RENT, "Seasons Of Love"

It's been almost exactly a year since I started writing in here. Granted, I haven't been very faithful to updating lately, but it's honestly because I hardly find the time to write in both here and my private journal, and some stuff I'd rather keep private anyway.

But as I was reading my entries from this time last year, I realized I had to at least reflect some- compare and contrast. It's almost amazing to me how much has happened in the past year- how much I've changed.

I fell in completely in love and got my heart shattered for the first time, really. I changed schools and stopped working with the kid I was with before. I learned about myself through therapy and gained new friends, and lost some old ones. I had an incredibly random and hot fling with an English musician (how many people can say that?) and I gained so much self-confidence when I ended things because it wasn't what I wanted.

Now, it's almost Christmastime (as it was the last time I posted) and everything feels so different. The snow falling outside my window (of the Valley house- see, I've even moved in the last year) looks the same, but it's me that feels different. I feel like I'm living in a new skin. Life is not perfect, but I'm happy. I am learning to truly love myself unlike before. I'm surrounded by friends who genuinely love me and care about me (and some who don't, but for the first time I've realized I don't deserve that and don't have to put up with them). I'm involved with someone who likes me very much- just as I am (Bridget Jones's reference, ya'll!). My job is less stressful and still fulfilling. I am happy, which was really all I could've asked for a year ago.

So in the past year, no matter all I've gone through- good, bad, confusing, unexplainable- I've gotten right to the place I've wanted to be all along: happiness.

Where I Am Right Now...

2009-10-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

(I just wrote this in my private journal. Thought I'd share. Sums it all up nicely, anyway :))

Maybe it's not about the big picture. Maybe it never really is. Maybe it's just about enjoying the little things that make life worth living, day by day. Maybe it's just taking a deep breath and knowing that I'm okay, because I'm alive. Maybe it's just being happy for whatever I have to be happy for now.

And the realization that I don't need a relationship right now to make me happy. That I can be okay being single, because it won't always be this way.

And it's the realization that I don't have to be in school right now to make me succesful. I am successful in the way that I'm supporting myself on my own- I pay my own bills, I take care of myself and I do that sufficently. I will go back to school some day.

It's the realization that even though I think I've always got it all wrong, that sometimes, maybe even most times, I've at least got...

Some of the picture right.

I'm All At Sea...

2009-08-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

I'm all at sea
Where no-one can bother me
I sleep by myself
I drink on my own
Don't speak to nobody
I gave away my phone
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

- Jamie Cullum, "All At Sea"

It’s been quite some time since I’ve last blogged. The summer has gone by in a blur of busy days at work, long nights, moving and of course, the endless ponderings of my own existance. It’s me we’re talking about here, so during all of the above, most of my time was still spent focusing on the latter.

I would say I’ve been really busy, but I suppose I haven’t. For everything I can think of that has taken up my time in the past months, I can also remember a time when I was doing absolutely nothing. It’s not as though my summer has been jam-packed with things to occupy my time…I’ve just been, well, somewhat lazy when it comes to blogging.

And, at the heart of it, this has been a pretty lonely summer. I’m not saying that I didn’t spend a lot of time with friends, because I did. But it seems like I also spent a lot of time by myself. I’m not complaining- some of it was by choice, and some of it is just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

To update you all more concretely, let’s begin with a brief rundown of my work situation. During our last scheduled blog session, I was talking about the big move from elementary schools. It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise- I really love the new school that I’m at. The teacher there isn’t perfect, but certainly cares a lot about the students and her staff, which is awesome. There are 9 children in our classroom (seven with Autism, one with Aspergers; there are slight differences- Google it, because I’m too lazy to explain), and even though it does get a bit hectic sometimes, I love it.

Last month, the child I was working with bit me and I got sent to Urgent Care. He’s bit me several times, as mentioned before in this blog, but since the school is new to the Strategies programs and children with Autism, everyone freaked out and made a huge ordeal of it. He did end up breaking the skin, so I had to go get shots and get tested for HIV, and blah blah blah- the school district doesn’t want to get sued- blah.

So, instead of having me work with him, the teacher had me switch with another aide and now I work as an overall classroom aide (not officially- my official job title is still a one-on-one aide, but that may change at some point), and I must admit, it’s a lot less stressful. It’s amazing how much better your day seems when you don’t have bite marks and pinches all over your forearms. I do miss working with him, but he’s still right in the class, and I still help out with him so it’s not a complete separation.

I’m sure none of you really care about my work situation though. But that’s been pretty much the basis of my summer. Nothing too thrilling has happened in the relationship department either- that’s for sure. I’ve gone on a few random dates, and turned down a few random dates as well, but none of it is worth writing about.

I think when I last updated I was in the love triangle with Fox/Josh/Mike. The whole triangle has actually collapsed since then, to my own doing. Full explanations are necessary.

The Josh situation finally dissolved when I stopped calling him back altogether. I wasn’t really doing it to be mean- he just called me at bad/inappropriate times (like at work, or during weekends when I was out of town doing stuff) and I’m horrible at returning calls, so there you go. And again, it’s not that Josh is a bad guy- I just know that he’s not the kind of guy for me, so why bother? I’ve been in enough relationships that have gone nowhere or have been damaging- why go headlong into one when I know from the get go that it won’t be anything I want it to be? End of story.

Kind of. He did stay pretty quiet most of the summer, but a few weeks ago he called me randomly to ask me out. I had plans that night so I declined, and I did feel kind of guilty. But now he’s moved away from Reno (I actually have no clue where he’s living) and also went to jail for some sort of traffic violation- all of which I’ve found out from Facebook, since we don’t communicate. I’m not sure what’s going on with him. But see, now I’m especially glad we never got involved.

The Mike situation is less of a situation than any of the three- I mean, it’s the same old story as it always has been. The verdict is still out on whether or not Mike has genuine feelings for me and is afraid of a long distance relationship or just really wants a long distance booty call, but either way, I’m done with it. He still texts me about once a month, with some random conversation and then it always ends with him making some sort of sexual advance towards me and me ignoring it and him calling me a tease. You know, when I write this out, it seems even dumber than it does in my head. Why do I even talk to him?

And then there’s the Fox situation. The last time I updated, we were still talking and I was trying to keep it light and casual. Except, hello, my name is Brittany Brown, and no such thing really exists in my dating lexicon.

I don’t know what I was thinking- I know myself that it’s impossible (for me, at least) to talk to someone every single day and keep it light and casual. Someone I’m extremely attracted to emotionally, mentally and physically. Someone who is smart and funny, and I have an amazing connection with.

Someone who lives 3,000 miles away, and also travels nearly 3,000 miles a year.

It was getting to the point in mid-June/early-July where Fox and I would spend hours chatting online every night. One night we started chatting at 8pm and didn’t stop until 3 in the morning. We never ran out of things to talk about. That, in itself, amazes me, but it also scared me.

Because for every time we chatted, for every sweet thing he said or did (like dedicating a song to me on my birthday, even though I wasn’t physically at the show), and for every time I thought of him, I realized I was slowing falling into the whole thing more and more.

Not falling in love, but falling into the pretense that there could be something more between us, though there obviously could not be. Besides the obvious, you know- him being a travelling musician and all- Fox never once lead me on by saying that he’d change anything for me, that he’d at any point settle down, or anything. In fact, he was blatantly honest that nothing would change at all.

One night we were chatting and he wrote, “We’re going to fall for each other. And that’s fine. You can be all into me. I’ll be all into you. I’ll see you when I’m in town. But you can’t have all of my heart. You can have a part of it. I’m not going to move to Reno and settle down with you. I’ll never settle down with anyone.”

And you know, I deluded myself for a whole week or more, thinking I was okay with that. Yeah, sure, I could be fine with my once-a-year boyfriend. He comes into town, we’re totally in love, he stays two days, and he leaves, I’m FINE.

Then I realized that it was all a big ball of lies. Because I know that I can’t do that. I just can’t. I can’t talk to someone that I have feelings for every day and not fall for them. I can’t have a once-a-year boyfriend. Not only is that emotionally draining, but it’s ridiculous. If I close myself off to everyone else, and spend all my time and energy on Fox, who isn’t even physically HERE, what kind of life will I have? Settling for a piece of a relationship with Fox could be potentially alienating the full relationship I’ve been waiting for this whole time.

So, I did the smart thing. I did the hard thing. I stopped talking to him. Just ceased it.

I stopped going on Gmail. I didn’t text him- and if he texted me, I kept the conversations short. I do feel bad, mainly because I’m sure he’s wondering what happened. We did go from “falling” for each other, to me never talking to him, and I’m sure that’s weird. Well, I know it’s weird. I know he’s confused, because he’s randomly left comments on my Facebook statuses and such a few times, questioning what I’ve been up to. Maybe I owe him an explanation. Maybe not. We are (as he put in his own words one night) “sooooo perfectly matched” and maybe he could sense what I was feeling and why I pulled back.

But see, that’s the main difference between us. He can be okay with a once-a-year thing and not get hurt. I can’t. Or maybe he can’t either and he’s lying to himself and to me. I don’t know. Either way, this is my story. And I don’t really want it to play out that way.

As I explained to Chauncey and my friends who asked, “I just decided that there was no point in settling for something that won’t make me happy. I know for a fact that it’s not going to be the way I want it to be. Why put myself through something unnecessary?”

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I still have feelings for Fox. I do. I will. And I’m not going to sit here and say that when he tours in Reno again, I won’t go to his show, or that we won’t hang out afterward. We will. But, you know, depending on where I am in my life, it may only be as friends. And no matter what it is, I don’t want it to be something that I’m in too deeply and end up getting hurt from in the end. I’ve had enough of that.

Which is also detailed heavily in this blog.

And for the record, no, I haven’t heard from Jonathan at all. When I checked my blog today, I saw a direct hit from Seattle from a few days ago. I’m guessing it’s him. I’m pretty sure it’s his IP address, and I doubt that Jennie would still check my blog, and I don’t know why Kristin would at this point. It’s human nature to keep tabs though. I’ll admit to still looking at his Twitter from time to time.

It’s a sick sort of fascination, really. Deep down I know it’s only to see if he’s unhappy or happy. And usually hoping for the former, if only because it would be some sort of payback for how he treated me.

Speaking of which, therapy has been a good point for me this summer. I’ve grown and learned a lot because of it. I’m still going- I have an appointment on Saturday, in fact. I just don’t feel like I’m done, by any means. But I have come a long way.

In the words of John Mayer, “I’m in repair. I’m not together, but I’m getting there.”

So what else? Friendships have been…interesting this summer. I’ve kind of felt like a loner in many ways. Not because I don’t have any friends. Because I certainly do. But more in the aspect that everyone has their…someone. And I feel like I have no one.

I’m not talking romantically. I just mean in general. Everyone has their own best friend- their person they can always count on, the person who will hang out with them at one in the morning. I don’t really have that anymore. I’m in an awkward place in my life, I feel like.

I’ve been sorting out friendships- trying to figure out the ones worth keeping versus the ones worth letting go. All of it has put me in a raw place- a place where I don’t have the same group of people to fall back on; an uncomfortable, itchy spot that I haven’t been in years, where I’m forced to make new friends and develop stronger bonds with people I don’t know too well.

And all of it has made me realize how much of a lone-traveler I am right now. I’m not saying this in an emo, woe-is-me, way- I’m just stating the facts. I think my “one person” used to be Joseph, but I’m not exactly sure what has happened with us this summer, and it’s confusing and sad to see that friendship fade into the background. I feel like I’m the only one really trying there, and it’s tiring. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m doubtful that it’s a permanent thing, but it’s been an issue for long enough this summer that I’ve started to take it out of my equation of friendships that I can count on at the moment.

Though Chris and I have definitely repaired all that was wrong at the beginning of the year/end of last year, it’s still hard for us to go back to the best friends we were three years ago. We’ve grown apart in very grown up ways. I think, if hard-pressed for an answer, we’d say we were each other’s best friends, but it’s not the same as it was. There’s no more late-night Starbucks runs, we don’t see each other every day and spend every weekend together.

My other friends all have their own best friends, too. I might be considered “one of”, but I’m not anyone’s main go-to person. Or, if I am, they’re not mine, necessarily.

I just want someone of my own- I think that’s what I’ve been lacking all summer. It doesn’t need to be a boy. But just a person that’s my number one; someone who truly is, and not just because they say it with words.

I need my person I can always count on; my person who will hang out with me at one in the morning if I want to. And I know I’ll find them- again, to quote John Mayer, “I’ll be lonely, but I know I’ll be okay- good love is on the way.” Same for friendships.

But I guess it’s just the waiting period that hurts.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten...

2009-07-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never, ever gave up hope.

-Gigi, "He's Just Not That Into You"

In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.- Arthur Abbott, "The Holiday"

All The Birds Are Humming, All The Bees Are Buzzing...

2009-06-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

Now I am walking on my own two feet
The sun is shining
My shadow is stretched across the street
And I meet the eyes of the stranger, I can't quite place him but I wouldn't replace him
For a second or a minute or an hour of the day

- Mandy Moore, "Pocket Philosopher"

The past few days have been filled with plenty of ups and downs. Needless to say, June has started off with a bang.

First off, I found out on Monday that at the beginning of July I'll be working at another elementary school in town. Pretty unbelievable- they told me without any advance notice, and even though I do have the choice to stay at my school, it's not really much of a choice as I'll lose my full-time status and benefits (which would mean no more therapy sessions). The move is because of the child I work with and a few other kids at our school- basically a new school opened a special education classroom and so all the children that were originally zoned for that school now have to go there, including their aides.

I'm not really looking forward to it, at all. I mean, when I think positively, I can say, okay, maybe this will be a nice change. I'll get to meet new people, work with new people I can learn things from, work with new children. As Christina and I joked about on the phone yesterday, maybe the man of my dreams will be working at this school- who knows?

But really, all I can think about is what I'm leaving behind. I've never been a fan of change. As I've gotten older, I've grown to accept and welcome it- but only on MY terms. I don't like when things change and I can't control it. And this is a prime example of that.

I'm REALLY going to miss my co-worker, Lauren. She is not just my coworker, as I described in my last post, she's like my best friend/surrogate mother. It's going to be so hard to work without her. And I'll miss Vanessa and her crazy stories and laughs. And even outside of the classroom, I'll miss all the other teachers I've grown to love. Julie, Rosie, Mrs. S, Jill, Debbie, Naheed, Mrs. Anna...the list goes on and on. And...AND...no more flirting with Mr. Kemp! What will I do?!

It's really sad for me to say goodbye and move on, especially with such short notice. And what if I get to this new school and no one likes me and no one accepts me and I hate my job? I mean, working with my child is stressful enough without having problems with my co-workers.

Then there’s the fact that now I go back to full-time hours on July 6th. So I’ll get a two week vacation and that’s it. No trip to LA, no other fun things I had planned for the summer, really, because I won’t HAVE a summer now. At least I’ll still be able to go camping, and I’ll have weekends off, of course. And I suppose it’ll be good to keep steady hours/paycheck…

I had a huge breakdown yesterday when I left school. I just started crying and kept crying. I know it'll likely be okay- I've only ever ran into a handful of people that don't like me or I can't get along with. And the change might be just the thing my child needs. So I'm trying to look at the brightside, no matter how dark it seems at the moment.

I think the thing most frustrating to me is just that this reinforces the feelings I've already had about this year as a whole- (in the words of Radiohead)- don't get any big ideas- they're not gonna happen.

And it's not so much as dreaming big, it's just the fact that every time I think I have something planned, it gets terribly destroyed. I mean, I had all that progress with the child I was working with, and thought we'd have a great end of the year, and then out of the blue he started to regress. Or I had started to plan some sort of future with Jonathan, and then, well, we know what happened there. And then I finally make the choice to stay at my school, with my child, and then this happens.

It's like every time I make plans for the future, something out of my control changes them. I've always known that life doesn't go exactly according to plan and I've always realized that life is unpredictable, but I'm really seeing concrete proof of it now.

However, I can see how some of the things still worked out fine. I mean, the whole Jonathan debacle, as horrible as it was at the time, was really a blessing in disguise. First of all, the fact that we met was a good thing for me- it made me really happy at a time when I needed an extra boost of happiness. It taught me that I could be loved (never mind if his love wasn't exactly true- I still felt it truly enough), and it taught me how to take risks and overcome challenges. I know exactly what I would do and put up with for someone I love, because of what I went through with Jonathan, and that's an amazing thing.

And then, even the breakup brought good out of it. It's obvious to me now that we had to breakup- it wasn't meant to be. I could say there's some divine reason, but I don't know that for sure. At the least, I know it could be because I deserve better than pretty much everything Jonathan encompasses as a person right now (lying, cheating, and selfishness included). It's also probably because there's someone better out there for me, and for him too. So there's that.

And because of the breakup, I've learned so much. How to spot a liar, or a cheater. I've learned to keep some of guards up, at least for a while, and I've learned to love with both my heart and mind. Him dumping me lead me to therapy which I've needed to go to for years, but wouldn't have done unless something traumatic happened (and I'd rather it be something not so traumatic in retrospect, like a boy dumping me, than something truly traumatic, like me ruining my life in some way). I've gained a lot of self-confidence, and overall dating intelligence from the way the relationship ended. All good things, really.

So see? Even when things don't go the way you "plan", the end result can still be good. I'm just trying to keep the faith in that now. Life is just so unexpected though.

Speaking of unexpected, Fox and I have talked every day since his e-mail on Saturday. It's been wonderful- the fact that he wants to talk to me and keep in touch, the fact that he calls himself "your Fox" in every e-mail he sends me (we've been chatting and e-mailing a ton), the fact that he always reminds me how much he wants me...all of it's been great. He's been having a rough time on his tour though- a week ago he got denied at the Canadian border and had to cancel ten shows, and tonight his flight got delayed and he might have to cancel two more shows. I've volunteered to help him do some promotion stuff online (which really only took me about 1/2) since he'll be stuck in the airport all night and unsure of when he'd be able to do any of it himself.

James and I were on the phone the other night and he asked me what I expected to happen with Fox. And I told him the truth, honestly, "I don't know." I don't.

I guess, in the back of my mind I have some expectations. But none of them are anything that I've planned out completely. I'm not sure if it's because I'm wiser when it come to relationships now (see above for reasons why), or because of my recent lessons on life's unexpectability. But I honestly can't say what I expect to happen.

I mean, with how crazy life is, who knows? For all I know I could very well end up following Fox on tour as his official groupie. Or, I could very well end up losing touch with him and never seeing him again. Or, I could end up dating someone else, forget about Fox, and then somehow magically reunite with him the next time he's in Reno. Or, I could go on talking to him online and on the phone until we see each other again, and we'll pick up right where we left off.

If you were to ask me what I'd want to happen, I'd say this: I'd like for us to keep talking like we are now. What will come of that, I can't say. In the meanwhile, I will continue to live my life. And when Fox and I are in the same city again, I think we both know that we'll be able to pick up where we left off next time- for some reason I doubt that it could ever be awkward between us.

Marcy was asking me other day if I was going to date anyone while Fox toured. I honestly don't know. I think it would be mean of me to date someone when I am emotionally attached to Fox. But at the same time, I don't want to pass up something else good on the chances that Fox and I end up together. So I think it'll all depend on the situation. If the right guy came along, sure I'll date him. Maybe he'll even make me forget Fox. But, I suppose my answer will come if I date this guy and still have the desire to talk about Fox, and see him.

The other night, I remembered how Fox asked me between kisses, "What if I come back and you have a boyfriend?" At the time, I told him I wouldn't, and that if I did, I'd work something out. I know that I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend. But what am I supposed to do? I definitely believe that your heart can belong to two people at one time. I've had it happen to me personally before...

Anyway, this is really all hypothetical. Based on today, I know that I really like Fox, and I really like the fact that he really likes me. And that's more than good enough for now :)

My boy situations have calmed down some since the last post, even. Josh has stopped calling EVERY day, though he did call today to see if I'd come over and watch The Fly with him tonight (don't laugh- I love that movie). Though, someone I didn't expect came back into the picture the other night...

Remember Chris? The guy I met online last summer, who disappeared and then came back again in the winter to explain why he disappeared? Not ringing a bell? Okay, just click here.

Anyway, he came back again the other night. We started IM-ing back and forth and he admitted that he still had feelings for me and never stopped liking me, would "give anything to make love to you [me]", and that I have his heart, should I decide I want it. It really caught me off guard. I mean, a year ago, I probably would've been happy, but a lot has gone on since last August, and I honestly don't feel the same way at ALL. Besides, how could I trust that he'll actually stick around this time? And BESIDES, how can I explain that I'm a little in love with this really sexy, British, traveling musician? I just can't.

I tried to tell him I'd have to think about it, which is definitely not an effective brush off, because last night he was back asking me to come and visit him, and just...argh. Whatever. At least this is a situation I can actually ignore, should I chose to do so.

Enough about me. Today Michelle scared me when she started posting on Facebook and Twitter about moving home, being depressed and trying to (basically) overdose on her anti-depressants. I tried to text her during work, but she didn't reply. I think everyone has the same attitude with Michelle (and don't get me wrong, I have it too), where we know that she goes through these depressed stages every few months, tries to get attention from everyone she can, does nothing to change things, and then just goes on, so we've all grown accustomed to ignoring her.

But I always feel like Michelle is the boy who cried wolf. She keeps threatening to hurt herself, and never does, so everyone stops paying her attention. And one day, she'll be crying out for help and no one will pay attention and that's when it'll really happen. And so, I still get frantic every time, because I don't really know which time will be the one where I'm the only one paying attention. I would never be able to live with myself if one of my friends hurt or killed themselves and I didn't try to stop them.

So after work I drove to Michelle's house. She wasn't there, so I called her. Then I drove to her mom's house and spotted her car outside. I decided to leave it at that, since I know she won't do anything under her mom's care. But it's still nerve-wrecking. And of course, it's about Justin. I really AM tired of that bullshit.

And speaking of being worried, last night I had to take my mom to the ER. She's okay now, but I was really worried for a while there. She had a tooth infection and her gall bladder is infected as well, so it was bad news bears. Especially after the whole work fiasco, I was just drained and feeling pretty down. Fox sent me a really sweet e-mail last night though, and when I didn't reply, sent another one this morning, making sure I/my mom were okay.

See what I mean about him? He's incredibly charming. I don't think I could forget him if I tried.

Coming Around Again...

2009-05-31T03:06:00.000-07:00

What would happen if i flew to San Francisco
Wouldn't make much sense
From the outside looking in
Coming around again

You know I love you
What am i supposed to do
You're so far away
I stay on track
You're all over the map
Come back to L.A.

- Mandy Moore, "Bug"

I'm pretty exhausted. Then again, it IS 3 am and I've had a long week with very little sleep. By the way, sorry that I don't update as much as I used to. Life has just been non-stop lately, and I rarely have time. Though I do think twice a week is pretty consistent, and I never leave out a single detail when I DO update. Which I'm sure you all greatly appreciate.

I guess I'll just pick up where I left off from Tuesday. Missy's house was a lot of fun, as expected. Afterwards, I talked to my good friend, Christina on the phone for a bit. I'm going out to LA to see her in July, and we talked a bit about that, among other things. I also mentioned to her that a guy in one of her pictures on Facebook was cute, and it turns out he's her younger cousin, Connor, who just so happens to be single and the same age as me. Christina then encouraged me to add him to Facebook, and we've been e-mailing back and forth since then. Like I REALLY need to add another guy into the crazy mess I have right now. But, I digress...

Anyway, on Wednesday I had therapy again. This session went a lot better than my last one did. We've been talking about a lot of tough things, so it was not surprising for me to leave the session in tears again. Chauncey said I am doing a great job and that he's proud of me, so that's always nice. I really feel a lot of the things we work on in therapy working in my day to day life, which is the exact reason I went to therapy in the first place- to learn new coping methods.

It's a bittersweet situation right now, though. For example, one of the things we talk about is me feeling my emotions as they come- I tend to push stuff away a lot, particularly unpleasant stuff. But now I'm letting myself feel everything and it's overwhelming sometimes. But good. Because it's healthier to just feel it as it comes- to cry, or get angry, or feel bitter, or whatever, rather than locking it up and feeling upset or depressed for a reason you don't understand. It's just hard to deal with when I'm used to not feeling so many things at one time.

Which is funny, because I know everyone thinks I'm constantly brimming over with emotions. Truthfully, I pick and choose. There are plenty of dark places my mind could go, but I choose to never go there. And now, if my mind starts wandering there, I just let it. Terrifying. But, as a whole, good.

Anyway, after therapy, Josh called and asked if I'd come over and watch a movie with him. I agreed, because he had been calling/texting all week anyway, and I was somewhat bored and wanted to do something. We watched the WORST movie ever, "Cannibal Holocaust", but it was actually somewhat fun. Don't get any ideas though.

I sat on the opposite side of the couch from him. When the movie ended, I got up quickly to say goodnight. He asked me, "what are we going to do this weekend." Uh...?

"WE aren't doing anything. I have plans, though..." Was that too mean? Apparently not. He's still called me every day since then- today even leaving TWO messages on my voicemail.

But see, the thing is, I don't dislike Josh. I did the other night on our date, but I didn't on Wednesday- we actually had fun. I just think I don't like him in groups. And I don't want to date him. I think I would know by now if I have those feelings for him, and I clearly do not.

I mean, especially after the whole Fox thing, I know exactly what it feels like to have a great, instant connection with someone. And I don't get that with Josh. I even know what it feels like for it to build. And I'm still not getting that with Josh. Oddly, it's almost exactly as it was with his brother- I think we could be great friends, but nothing more. And just like Justin, Josh is far more into me than I am into him. So, I don't know what to do. I'll probably hang out with him tomorrow, though. FML.

Thursday, I spent the whole day after work with Lauren, since she got her gall bladder out this week and has been at home. I love hanging out with her. It's funny, because she turned 40 this year, and is old enough to be my mother, but we have the best time together. We hung out with her kids too, and it was just a blast. I love Lauren to death, and am extremely happy to have met her and be able to work with her everyday.

I literally hung out with Lauren until night time, and then I met Wolf and Justin and Michelle at the pool. We swam for a while and then ate dinner. Pretty uneventful evening, but it was still fun.

Yesterday was another jammed packed evening. After work, I met Corazon for lunch and then we went to the Planetarium together, since neither of us have been. The Planetarium is pretty cool, and a good deal for only 6 bucks. Deidre met up with us afterwards, and the three of us went and got frozen yogurt. While I was with them, Missy texted me and asked if I wanted to go with her to Ceol's. Right when I texted her back, Joe called and told me he was already drunk (at 7 something, mind you) and wanted to know if Missy and I could come and get him.

So I met Missy at her house and then we picked up Joe and the three of us drove to Ceol's. We didn't stay there long before we headed to this house party. The house party was somewhat fun- not the best time ever, but still a good time.

I ended up getting drunk off of three beers and a mixed drink. I was sitting on the couch next to Missy and this guy, John, who spent most of the night talking to us, smoking hookah. This guy walked up to me and like, beckoned for me with his finger. I assumed he wanted to smoke the hookah, so I handed him the hose.

And then he said (and I'm being completely serious), "No, I want you." Uh...ooookay?

I stood up and he lead me over to the side of the living room to dance with him. He was drunk as well, because when I yelled over the music, "What's your name?" He replied, "I'M MEXICAN!"

I'm laughing just thinking about it. Anyway, we end up dancing to two songs, and then, next thing you know, he's kissing me. Except it was more like sucking my lips than kissing.

I was saying a few weeks ago (after Fox, I believe) that I have been fortunate enough to have never had a bad kiss. I can officially take that back. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh, but he wasn't a GOOD kisser, by any means. Cute, he certainly was. A good kisser? Not so much. As I summed it up on the car ride home, "I think he gave my lip a hickey!" Yeah. Not so good.

At least Missy made me feel better by telling me she's kissed a random guy before too, and so had Becca. I mean, I don't think it's a sin to kiss people you don't know. In fact, I think it's totally fine. It's just something I don't normally do. Then again, I don't normally get cute guys coming up to me saying that they want me. Well, until recently, that is.

Joe shrugged the whole thing off by saying, "Whatever. You only live once."

Agreed.

Though I had to pay for all my drinking (which was actually not a ton of drinking- and once again, with passion: FML!) this morning when I had a hangover. I slept over Missy's house and I was super sick most of the day. Luckily, I dried up by the evening and we went swimming before the crazy lightening/thunder shower hit.

After Joe and I went swimming at Missy's, we headed home to get ready to go to Cecilia's (Corazon's older sister) BBQ. While I was waiting for Joe to pick me up, I checked my e-mail and to my absolute delight, Fox e-mailed me!

I haven't heard from him since last Monday. I hadn't really given up in him, but at the same time, I haven't actively been hoping to hear from him either. It was definitely a pleasant surprise though.

The BBQ was really fun tonight, too. Cecilia and her husband, Ben, are always fun to hang out with, and it's been good to see Corazon twice in a weekend, especially since she'll be leaving to Prague soon. Everyone at the BBQ was a lot of fun- there were lots of laughs, entertainment (mostly via Ben- he does all sorts of crazy acrobatics and fire dancing stuff) and wieners to be had (and that's what she said).

Joe and I stayed until almost midnight, and then we went home. I'm still up, thinking, honestly. With how busy I've been all week, I've had little to no time alone, so it's nice to just be with my thoughts.

Mike and I have talked a bit this week. I'm kinda back to where I was last month, in the regard that I really just don't think he knows what the hell he wants. He wants me, but not with a commitment, which both hurts and pisses me off. Honestly, I guess Jonathan wanted the same thing, and at least Mike is truthful about it, unlike Jonathan, but either way- it's not okay and not what I want.

Corazon was teasing me for the e-mail Fox sent, because he ended it with (and this is directly copied and pasted from the e-mail, no joke), "You are fucking gorgeous and I want you so FUCKING BADLY."

At least he's straightforward. I'd take that any day over Mike, who basically says, "I want you, but I don't want you..." every time I talk to him. I'd take that over Josh, who ignores me when things don't go his way on a date, but then calls me every day and refers to us as though we're a couple (as he said on the voicemail tonight, "I got those Netflix movies we looked at." Stop referring to "us" as a "we"! There IS no we!). I'd take that over Jonathan, who lied to me over and over again, which I was thinking about tonight. I mean, he flat out lied when I asked him if he'd slept with anyone after San Francisco. And totally thought that was okay.

It's not okay. None of it is okay.

If I could write a single piece of advice for every woman to take, it would be this: Don't let a man dictate the way he can treat you. It is all in your control. If something isn't okay with you, or if he's doing something to you or treating you a way you don't like to be treated, don't put up with it. Because for every man that won't treat you right, chances are, there's a man who will. And you're wasting time that could be spent with him with someone that's not even worth it. You're worth it. So find someone else who is.

Oh, Those Summer Nights...

2009-05-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

Here's to the nights where the sand is your seat,
the waves kiss your feet, your friends outnumber the stars,
and even the chilliest of nights, are still warmer
than the cold one in your hand.

It's extremely hot today. It's really been hot all weekend. As much as I love the heat, it's always way better when I can be in a pool. Luckily the weekend involved tons of swimming. But let's recap first.

So, Thursday night I hung out with Missy and Joseph. The three of us went to lunch at this restaurant by the University called Archie’s, and then went back to Missy's house to help Joe do some tie-dye shirts for his class (he's doing a lesson on the 70's/hippies, so his classes all did tie-dye shirts). Afterwards, Missy and I went to this game night with some of her and Rusty's friends. It was actually a lot of fun, despite the fact that I only knew Missy. We played Cranium and drank some glasses of wine- all in all, a fun night.

Friday started off being a really good day. Work went by fast, especially since it was a short day and we got out early. I did a little shopping and bought some new clothes, and then met up with Michelle and Wolf to go shopping for masks (which I will explain later on).

Now, Josh had still been calling me every single day last week. Seriously, he'd call during work, after work, at night, etc. to see if I could hang out with him. We had actually made plans to hang out on Thursday after he got done babysitting, but he didn't call me when he said he would, so I went to the party with Missy, instead. He called me, of course, but it was too late by then, so I told him we'd reschedule.

Anyway, during work on Friday, Josh texted me and asked if I was free. I told him I was going clubbing- as Friday was the night that Miguel was having his masquerade-themed birthday party/Cesar's going away party (Cesar is going to Spain to study abroad from the summer), but not until later. Josh proceeded to tell me that he had tickets to a comedy show and he wanted me to be his date.

Finally, finally, I agreed to go on a date with him. I don't know what changed my mind- possibly the fact that all of my friends kept telling me to either "shit or get off the pot"- either go on a date with him and see if I like him, or tell him I'm not interested. I figured the comedy show sounded like a good idea, so after I met with Michelle and Wolf I went home and got ready.

Josh picked me up on time and we drove to Tahoe in his truck. We had to go to this club on North Shore, so it was about an one hour drive. We actually had pretty good conversations- mostly about dating and relationships. Even though Josh is 26, he's never really had a long term relationship, except with his ex, which ended when she told him he couldn't provide for her and he needed to grow up. His ex is 19. This seemed like a bad sign.

I told him about my dating history, and the most recent Jonathan story. The conversation was surprisingly fluid and not as awkward as it would seem; I mean, typically you don't talk about your exes on a date, but it wasn't really a bad conversation. Except when Josh told me his crazy views on dating (which are, to put it short- you meet someone and marry them, no matter how much you don't get along. Basically, the first person you date is the person you should ultimately marry. I hope Josh realizes that if I had done that, I'd be married to his BROTHER right now. Uber awkward).

Anyway, we got to the show and it was pretty hilarious. We drove back to Reno around 10 something, which was perfect because I was supposed to meet everyone at the club around 11. I invited Josh, and Josh invited his friend, Matthew, so he could have a friend too. We met up with Wolf, Michelle and my friend, Olivia, downtown and the group of us headed to the club.

We started at Bliss, which is like, my least favorite club in Reno. It's lame mostly because it has an 18 and up night (eww), plays crappy techno music, and every time I go, no one is there. Friday night was no exception. We had about 15 people in our group and we made up the ENTIRE club, besides one other small group of people. The only good thing about Bliss was 1) I ended up getting in without paying a cover and 2) The bartender gave me free drinks (go cleavage!).

We made the best out of it though. A lot of my friends were there, obviously, so I went and danced with them as soon as I got to the club. I think this threw Josh off- he seems to be very needy for attention or something, which was great during the date, because all my attention was clearly on him. But as soon as I started dancing with my friends and stuff, he got quiet (ala last weekend) and didn't talk to anyone. Even Matthew, who hadn't slept in 24 hours and knew NO ONE there, seemed to open up more and have more fun. It was odd.

Then, the next thing I know, Josh is talking to someone- but it's to one of Miguel's friends- a Japanese exchange student. Not only is he talking to her- he's blatantly flirting with her- running into corners with her and coming back giggling, attempting to dance ("attempt" being the key word, 'cause Lord knows the boy cannot dance!), etc.

Wolf, Michelle and Olivia were laughing because as I said, "I'm glad he found someone!"- but still, it was a bit rude. I mean, you do NOT go on a date with someone and then start flirting with another girl. I don't care if the date is going bad or whatever. It's just rude.

My friend James made a perfect analogy. "I think Josh just realized the date was crashing and burning," he said, when I told him what happened. "It's like when you try to cook a fancy dinner at home and then you burn it. What's the first thing you do? Order Chinese takeout."

I couldn't stop laughing.

Anyway, that's exactly what Josh did. Well, Japanese takeout, but you get the point. Fucking annoying.

We decided to leave Bliss and head to my favorite bar, 5 Star, and the whole walk there, Josh and I pretty much ignored each other. He spent the walk trying to talk to the Japanese girls (there were 2 of them), which was just awkward because they barely spoke English anyway. Then, as we were walking, he backed up to talk to two girls who were walking behind us. I think everyone saw this as a desperate act- first of all, neither of the girls was attractive, and second, neither of them were even interested in him. Just embarrassing, really.

I even said, "Wow, that was desperate." Matthew started laughing and I think Josh got mad, but I don't care. I was really annoyed. Once we got to 5 Star, I pretty much forgot about Josh and spent the night dancing with my friends. I ran into this guy, David, that I know and we said hi and danced a bit too. We didn't stay at 5 Star long before moving onto a club around the corner called Divine.

Divine was a lot of fun. It had no cover (which is even more amazing, given how awesome of a club it is), and had a really cool interior, including an upstairs area that you have to be let into by a bouncer. The bouncer IMMEDIATELY let me, Olivia and Michelle in, which was like, awesome, celebrity-status treatment. The guys had to wait a few minutes, which made all of us laugh.

Dancing at Divine was awesome. I saw another guy named David that I know there, and we danced and he kissed me before leaving. A chaste kiss, of course, but it was still sweet and good to see him. Then some random guy started stalking me on the dance floor and Olivia and this other really cute guy had to save me. Cute guy and I spent the majority of the night dancing, and I must say, it was really nice to go to a STRAIGHT club for once, because I actually noticed a lot of guys looking at me and I danced with two super cute guys. I dance with cute guys at the gay clubs too, but it's a lot more exciting to dance with guys that actually find me attractive and are not just drawn to me because I'm a "fairy princess" (as my gay friends call me- I prefer it over the term "fag hag").

Anyway, the whole time, Josh was glaring at me from the wall. I'll admit that I really played up the attention because of his flirty ways earlier- I mean, I hate playing dating games, but if a guy insists on playing them (as Josh obviously does- and actually said on the way to Tahoe, “I love playing games when I’m dating”), I'll play back. And I'll win. As I clearly did. Because I didn't come off as desperate, the guys all came up to ME, they spoke English and were all attractive- more attractive than Josh, actually. So there.

Then, as the night ended, Olivia and I ran into some guys we knew from High School on the street. One of them, Andres, asked for my number (Josh started loudly asking for the Japanese girl's numbers at this moment. So lame) to call me this weekend. He actually did, but I was out of town and he lives in San Diego at the moment, so nothing's gonna happen there. But it was still flattering.

Olivia drove me home, which was my choice. Josh seemed caught off guard when I said that I was going home with her- I don't know if he was hoping for a end of date kiss, but he wouldn't have gotten one anyway.

Liv and I spent a good hour eating Jack in the Box and then talking in her car about random stuff. I didn't get into my room until 4 am, then James called and I gave him a recap of the night. I didn't go to sleep until 5:30 and then woke right up at 11:30 to have lunch with Joseph.

After lunch, we met with Justin, Michelle and Wolf at Justin and Michelle's pool and swam all day. Around dusk, we decided to throw a little barbecue in Michelle's parent's backyard (because they have a nice backyard and a Jacuzzi), and we moved the party over there.

The barbecue was really fun. We had beers and steak and chicken, and sat around on the deck, drinking and laughing and talking while the Jacuzzi heated up. When the sun set, we took some margaritas out to the Jacuzzi and all got in. Things got a bit interesting in the Jacuzzi- Wolf took his pants off and tried to get me to do some "comparisons" in the water, which I declined, but Joe didn't...and just...yeah. Weird. I'm glad I wasn't THAT drunk- I definitely didn't have any regrets the next day.

When we got out the Jacuzzi, I was surprised to see that Mike D. had texted me. We haven't spoken since last month when I got fed up with him. I had a feeling that he hadn't talked to me because he thought I was mad at him, which I was, so we went a whole month without any communication. Of course, I didn't forget about him, but I took him out the scheme of things concerning my dating life- particularly since our last conversation just pissed me off.

Anyway, I was slightly drunk still, so I forgot about being mad and texted him back. He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I told him about making out with Fox. He didn't respond to that, but instead said he wasn't seeing anyone either. I asked him if he was waiting for me. He called me a tease.

Uh, really? I'm not a tease. I told him I wasn't a tease and he insisted that I was. I told him I was incredibly sincere, and he said I was but, "You're still a tease." Throughout all this texting, Joe and I are driving to Justin and Michelle's house to watch a movie and drink some more. I updated Joe the whole time with the convo and Joe agreed with me that Mike obviously wanted me, but wouldn't admit it for some reason.

Finally, I flat out ask him what he wants. He replies and says nothing, and then I write back and say he MUST, otherwise he wouldn't be texting me at 11 pm on a Saturday night. He finally admits that he does, in fact, "want me", but doesn't think a long distance relationship would work. I asked him if he lived in Reno, would it be different. And he said it probably would.

Gah.

So, we text back and forth a while longer and (because I was still buzzed), I admit that I am afraid of being hurt again or used. Mike replied and said, "Do you think I'm trying to use you?" And I said I didn't know. He wrote back simply saying, "I'm not."

The conversation ended with him going to bed since he had to work at 6 the next morning, and me feeling ultimately confused, yet satisfied.

I mean, I don't want a long-distance relationship either. And I think Mike is right- a long distance relationship wouldn’t work very well, especially with the two of us. Well, that's not true. I think if we both tried, we could make it work. But with Mike working two jobs, he's always super busy and not consistent enough to be a boyfriend- particularly not a long distance one.

But then, there's the fact that we like each other. Mike said in very clear terms that he is attracted to me, and would like our friendship to be something more, but I don't really know how I feel about that in this point in time, particularly since we are not in a relationship and might not be in one at any foreseeable time. It's kinda crappy.

But, at least I know for sure that we feel the same way about each other. That made me feel a lot better, actually.

At Justin and Michelle's, we watched Donnie Darko and had margaritas again- pretty fun end to the night. Joe and I left around 2 because we had to get up in the morning to drive to Rocklin, California.

Missy's mom and dad were having a barbecue on Sunday, so they invited Joe and I to come and party with them and Missy. It was about a two hour drive there (Joe and I have driven to their house before, so it was no big deal, really), and then Missy, Joe and I went on a "tour" of Rocklin, which ended with us getting frozen yogurt and pitas.

We got back to the house and went swimming, and then the barbecue started. Missy's friend, Garrett, came and the four of us hung out all evening- playing board games, going on an epic trip to Wal-Mart (long story), chatting and watching V for Vendetta. Garrett was a really cool guy- very laid back, and had the whole surfer look going- which works perfectly for him, seeing as how he's moving to Santa Cruz at the end of the summer. Missy and I told him he'd have to come and visit us in Reno before he moves, and he seemed pretty excited about it, so hopefully we'll see him this summer. He's just one of those really fun people that you immediately like.

Joe and I spent the night at the Henry's house, and the next morning we got up pretty early to leave. Missy's bought us all Starbucks and we spent a few hours catching up with Missy's parents before heading back to Reno. Joe and I had lunch together at this new Thai place, and then I followed him back to his house and took a nap on his bed while he worked on some stuff for his classes this week. After I woke up, we went and got Corazon and had coffee and went for a drive. It was a nice end to the weekend, for sure.

I'm heading over to Missy's house now to watch a chick flick and have dinner. It's Mike's birthday today, which I actually didn't know until earlier, when I texted him asking when his birthday was (pretty funny. It's also interesting to me that we are both Geminis...I've been studying astrology a lot recently and I've never had any sort of romantic relationship with another Gemini. Apparently this is supposed to be ideal, hmmm).

Oh, and just to keep you all updated: No, I haven't heard from Fox since last week, but I do know that he just got denied at the Canadian border and is having a hard time on his tour (sad face. He should've just stayed here with me in Reno). Josh called me on Saturday night (why?! I don't know!), and hasn't called me since- because his phone died. Elgin is pretty much out of the picture, but I think if we were to hang out again, there'd be the same amount of flirting as there was last time. And I really have too many guys in my life.

I don't want to become a nun, Lord knows I could never become a Lesbian, but I can certainly take a vow of life-long celibacy. Or at least, just stop talking to all men until I find one worth talking to.

In 2009, I Have...

2009-05-20T01:24:00.001-07:00

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

- Paramore, "Halleujah"

I'm not falling in love, don't worry. I just like that song lyric. I've learned my lesson about rushing into things- even if it DOES feel right.

Anyway, I haven’t reread my drunk post from last night yet. I ended up finishing the entire bottle. Yeeeeah. I guess I was stressed a little? A lot? Yeah.

But, in other (cute) news, not too long after I posted, Fox texted me to say he couldn’t wait to see me again and thought the e-mail I sent him was “absolutely adorable”. Aww yeah. :)

Anyway, I had no hangover today. Today was pretty good. Work was a bit shaky, but whatever. Immediately after, I met Joe Solis for lunch, and it was nice to catch up with him. Then we went to Barnes & Nobles and to Best Buy (to play Rock Band- I killed it with a 99% on singing every time…some people even stopped to watch me sing Paramore’s “That’s What You Get”) to kill some time before I met Olivia and Kerra at the movies.

Kerra got us free tickets, somehow, to see 17 Again. It was a cute movie- nothing entirely awe-inspiring, but cute. It was mostly good to see Olivia and Kerra. It was almost like being in high school again. In fact- dare I say it?- it was like being 17 Again. I know I already used that joke on Twitter. But I thought it was clever. In a corny way.

Anywho, I was thinking tonight about how happy I am with the direction my life is going lately. I was thinking about it this morning too. I am really happy to think that things are finally leveling out- in a good way, of course. Which made me think about my goals, and some of the ones I want to make for this summer. First, let’s take a look back at my resolutions and see how I’m doing overall.

In 2009, I Will (mid-year checkpoint…)

Work on loving myself completely – I definitely think therapy is the route to accomplishing this. Which I didn’t think I’d even end up doing at the beginning of the year. Yet again, realizing just how everything happens/works for a reason.

Eat a healthier diet and work out at least three times a week- Uhm, kinda. I fell off the gym wagon when my heart got ripped to shreds. I eat somewhat healthier. Okay, I need to refocus.

Move to Seattle, Washington- we can cross this off for now. I’ve signed up for school in the fall, signed up for another year at the school. And even though I was planning to move long before I knew him, Jonathan has temporarily tainted the ENTIRE state of Washington for me. Eww.

Discover a new talent- Attract multiple men at one time? That’s not a talent? Oh. Still working on it.

Go back to school- Kaching! Doing it in the fall!

Not be afraid- I am TOTALLY doing this one well. In so many ways, shapes and forms. Little ways and big ones. Mostly written about in this blog. Go me!

Believe in my writing- Working on it.

Travel out of state to somewhere I've never been- Hmm, not so far, but I’m sure I will soon :)

Spend the day with a new friend- Technically, we could say Friday night with Fox counts as this!

Blog more often- For sure!

Be less lazy- Ha.

Meet someone new- Met several new people!

Repair a broken friendship- Hmm, somewhat. Though there are a few I’d like to repair more.

Become better friends with someone- Missy just SCREAMS out to me when I read this. Maybe Becca going to England has given Missy and I a chance to become better friends. Yay. Also, my friend Laura, in Sacramento. Double yay.

Meet someone who will change my life- I have so far- in both good ways and bad ways. And someone who has changed it in only good ways (and no, I’m not talking about a boy I like or something lame). Hoping for someone who will change my life in all good ways.

Change someone else's life- I can only hope!

Learn how to snowboard- Still haven’t. Deidre said she’ll take me this Winter.

Tell someone how I really feel- whether it’s good or bad- I’ve been much better at it. Not consistent, but better.

Save up (at least) $2000- I’ve got about a ¼ of that saved. I think I can do it.

Start writing a novel- I need some inspiration first.

Go on a date with myself- Still haven’t. Might be a good time to do that.

Perform a random act of kindness- Same as above.

Take more pictures- First I need a new digital camera.

Wow, that made me feel good. Okay, here are my short-term/fun goals for the summer:

Go on a roadtrip
Spend the day with a new friend
Go camping at least twice
Visit Sacramento
Go visit a friend out of state
Have a “slumber party” with my girlfriends
Learn how to sew
Lose 20 pounds
Go to Tahoe at least three times
Spend the night under the stars
Go to as many Reno Aces games as I can!
Spend the entire day swimming
Hang out with a friend I haven’t seen much during the fall
Change up my wardrobe
Decorate my new bedroom in a cool way
Save at least $500
Spend the day making one of my friends feel special
Kiss under the fireworks (I have ALWAYS wanted to! Why not this year?!)
Do something I said I’d never do (within reason)
Get a tattoo or piercing

Most of those are completely silly, but the summer is supposed to fun, right? I think I can do them all…let’s go summer, let’s go!

Slightly Tipsy Blogging...

2009-05-18T21:40:00.000-07:00

So if ever I'm not kissing you or looking in your eyes.
I won't be blind, and I won't cry.
I'll look up high and gladly sigh, And thank the guy,

Who puts the rainbow in the sky...
Who lights the stars at night...
Who dreamt up someone so divine...
Someone like you, and made them mine...
- Declan O'Rourke, "Galileo (Someone Like You)"

....this should be interesting or fun. Or both. So today was like the rudest wake up call when I realized that I've got to go back to my normal reality. You know, the one that DOESN'T consist of making out with hot, British musicians. The one that really pales in comparison. Le sigh. Work was kind of a pain. I was glad to see the girls again- I am really lucky to work with such amazing and fun women. I seriously miss them all when it's the weekend- especially Lauren. As I explained to her the other day, she's like my surrogate mother/best friend so it's pretty much amazing. Of course, they all wanted to hear the details of the Fox story, and the only way I could really start the story was by saying, "It all feels like a dream by now." It honestly does. I mean, I can still remember every thing as if it just happened 20 minutes ago, but at the same time, it seems sort of distant and far away.

But amazing. Definitely still amazing.

Anyway, after work, I pretty much came home and did nothing. After such a busy series of days, I'm exhausted, and not feeling particularly social. Now I'm drinking wine (on my second- er...third...glass) and halfway watching 50 First Dates.

I mean, from the morning I woke up this morning and realized that the weekend was over I started feeling melancholy. And I was TIRED from swimming (again) until 1 am with everyone at Justin and Michelle's apartments. The boys (Elgin and Josh) didn't come this time- thankfully.

I mean, that situation is still annoying, and that's been part of my problem today as well. Yesterday I got a call from Josh in the morning, but I didn't answer, because I was sleeping (you know, after being up until 7 am). The phone rings an hour later and it's ELGIN.

"I found out a great way to get your number," he said. "I left my wallet in Joe's car last night."

So I call Joe, arrange for him to get Elgin's wallet back to him and then text Elgin to tell him what's up. I apologize for the situation. Elgin CALLS me immediately after the text and tells me not to be sorry, that it's his fault and that he hopes to see me later. Oookay.

Joe ends up taking the wallet to Elgin on his own, and then Elgin texts me and tells me he got everything okay and thank you. I text Josh to let him know that Elgin got his wallet back and also to ask him what was wrong the night before. Josh says (and I quote), "I had a blast."

Uh...really?

Apparently so. He then proceeds to ask me to hang out with him when he gets off work. I explain that I just made plans with Wolf to go to dinner, so I'll call him when I'm done. After dinner, Josh calls me and we talk briefly and make plans to hang out some day this week. Ah.

Anyway, this whole Josh/Elgin situation confuses me and annoys me. I mean, okay, I'm not going to complain that two guys are seemingly interested in me. I'm not going to sit here and lie, or act like I don't like the idea of having the attention, because I know I personally hate when people do things like that. It's not that.

It's just...well, first of all, I don't understand how I can go a whole year (last year) not having one relationship. Literally. I mean, I went on three dates or whatever with Andrew. And then there was the little "thing" with Adam. And then there were the dates with Austin. But...that was it.

No real relationships. No one wanted to give me the time of day. I was mucho lonely.

And then, all at one time, I've got three guys interested in me? What the hell? Actually, this whole year has been that way? Like, remember when I first started to date Jonathan, and I was still talking to that Corey guy and then that Chris guy came back into the picture at the same time? It's like guys are coming in waves of three each time, and it makes no sense.

As Olivia said today, it's either feast or famine.

Right now it's feast.

But it's just dumb, because I don't particularly want either Josh or Elgin. I mean, I don't think Josh and I are compatible. And Elgin, I don't even know! Plus, he seems like the player type. And Lord knows I don't need to know another cheater.

And then, of course, there's Fox, which will probably go no where. Which is sad, because like I said, I really felt a connection with him and I know he felt the same thing. Marcy got it exactly right when she said that it's hard to feel that spark with someone and then say, "Well, I guess I'll see you whenever." It pretty much blows.

Like I said before, if it's meant to be that we'll see each other again, it'll be. I think it will be. But it still sucks right now.

And then there's just this bigger part of me that is like, "What the fuck, Brittany? Two guys, right in town, are interested in you. Josh would make a good boyfriend. Elgin is cute and hilariously funny. And yet, you choose the one guy- the guy you went into the situation thinking it would be a one-time fling- who is completely unavailable to you to get hooked on. Duuumb."
I wonder if it's all because I'm not really ready to date someone yet, and my subconscious knows it. So I pick the only person who is also not able to be a in a relationship with to focus my attention on. I think that's exactly it.

It's terribly dumb of me.

I don't think it's JUST that which attracts me to Fox. I know it's not. It's also his sense of humor, and his personality, and his talent and (not going to lie) looks, and the overall chemistry that we shared. I cannot stress how odd it was that we immediately clicked- that I was willing to tell him everything within the first few minutes we were together- that we both opened up a lot quicker than I think either of us would under certain circumstances. And of course, there is still part of me that questions whether or not his intentions were true, but I did some investigating today (Facebook stalking does tell a lot) and it looks like he was being honest when he said he doesn't go around sleeping with fans a lot (I figured this out from the number of times he mentioned sleeping in his car. And the time she didn't, he mentioned sleeping with families and older couples- which are pretty much his fan base for some reason, anyway). And I can't forget how sincere his voice was and how sad his eyes were when he held my head in his hands and begged, "Please, just don't forget me."

"I don't change," he said. "I'll always want you."

I'd love to believe that. Probably makes me dumb. I did tell him I didn't believe him, but time will tell, right?

Until them...FML.

And then, this morning, my grandma texted me and I was just hit with a huge wave of homesickness. I really miss my family in Sacramento. I've never gone back to visit since I moved- it's been 5 years. I've seen most of them since then, because my grandma, and my aunt and some of my great aunts and uncles have come to visit US, but I haven't gone back to Sac. It's been hard for me. But I feel like I'm ready. Plus, lately, I've been reconnecting with a lot of my Sacramento friends, so it'll be an excuse to see them too.

Wolf and I were saying yesterday that we wished we could do the weekend over. And as much fun as it was, I really wish I could have somehow.

I would do the whole Fox thing on Friday night the same, except, perhaps I would've just been forward in saying before the show that I wanted to see him afterwards (since he did all the pursuing of me, anyway- the least I could do was throw him a small bone), and then maybe we would've had the whole evening together.

And on Saturday, I would've had a better therapy session (because it didn't go so well. Sad face). And after that, I would've driven to Sacramento and visited my family AND seen Fox's show that night and spent time with him again. Because I really regret not doing that. Now he's miles and miles away...

I would've spent the night in Sac and spent all of Sunday with my family and/or friends. And that way, all the Elgin/Josh drama wouldn't exist now, I wouldn't be homesick, and I wouldn't miss Fox as badly. Well, maybe the latter would still be true, probably moreso had I seen him three nights in a row, but whatever.

It still would've beat the hell out of swimming all weekend.

What A Weekend!

2009-05-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

Dreams of distant paradise and desert
Isles in future times, when I'll go with you
Thunder crashing, lighting flashing,
Chilling wind and slate-grey skies, to get over you...

- Fox Elipsus, "Unrequited" :)

Don’t ask me why I’m still up. Seriously, it’s nearly 6 am, and here I am, updating my private diary, texting Deidre, and listening to music. I am on such an odd sleep schedule, but it could be because the past 48 hours have probably been some of the most fun, odd, interesting, hot (both literally- it was like 98 degrees today- and figuratively, heh), amusing, confusing, romantic, entertaining, frustrating and amazing hours that I’ve had in a while.

So I know everyone is dying to hear about the concert, and what happened. Well, I’ve made an agreement with Fox not to tell any details, in case he really does get famous and someone goes digging up blackmail on him. So sorry.

Totally kidding. Though, now that I think about it, it would be very funny if he did become famous one day and someone found this blog and was like, “Whoa, before Fox was famous, he gave out his phone number to random girls who live in Reno!”

Anyway, as we last discussed, Fox had texted me and convinced me to come and see his show in Carson City, which is about a thirty minute drive away from Reno. Since it was a Friday night, and incredibly last minute, I ended up going to the concert alone, which was fine. Earlier in the day, Fox left a comment on my Facebook wall saying that he hoped he would see me again and that even if I didn’t come to the show, he’d still dedicate a song to me (say it with me…”awwwww!”).

I got to the concert about fifteen minutes before it was set to start, and Fox spotted me immediately and came and gave me a big hug and told me he was really excited to see me. While he was setting up, he kept flirting with me, and some of the people that were there to see the show were laughing really hard at the two of us. Fox’s sense of humor is very sarcastic and snarky, and so is mine, so every time he’d say something I’d always snap right back with a retort, and it was just very cool how well we fed off one another (Fox: “So, last night after the show, this random girl started texting me…” Me: “Oh really? How weird! Last night, after the show, this weird musician gave me his phone number and asked me to call him…” We grinned at each other, and everyone around us started laughing).

I think most of the people there were under the impression that Fox and I were dating or something, especially since he dedicated two love songs to me, and kept flirting with me throughout the show. At one point, I left to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he changed the lyrics of the song he was singing (something by REM, I forgot which song now) to talk about how he was glad I came back and hadn’t left and that he liked my black headband but missed my polka dotted one. And then ended the song with, “I really like Brittany’s headbands. And that’s definitely a metaphor.” Did I mention he’s really funny?

(here are some pictures that the Winnemucca mom took of Fox the other night. I don't think I need to say that he's hot. And even though I don't love the picture of us together (how do I always manage to look SO goofy/uncute when I take a picture with a guy?!), I had to include it as, you know, proof that I met him and all this is a true story, just in case he really DOES become famous.)

After the show, of course, I stuck around, because it’s not like I was really going to drive all the way to Carson City just to see an encore of his show (though, I cannot stress enough how talented he is. Everyone should really check out his music on Facebook or MySpace under Fox Elipsus. And he’s so hilarious, and does really fantastic improv…he’s just very talented. If he is in your town, definitely go see his show- and tell him Brittany sent you ;))). But, unfortunately for us, two of his fans ended up sticking around too.

This is probably the oddest part of the whole night. Apparently, Fox has some hardcore fans. Which I wasn’t aware of at all- I mean, I thought I was going above and beyond by seeing two shows in a 24 hour period. But this 17 year old girl (who was quite obviously like, OMG IN LOVE with Fox) and her middle-aged mother had driven all the way from Winnemucca, Nevada to Carson to see Fox (a three hour drive, mind you. Blows my 30 minutes out of the water for sure. Show offs), and wanted to take him to dinner and invited me too, since we had chatted during the show and shared a table.

Anyway, the four of us end up at this little 24 hour diner in a casino in Carson City, which really just sounds like the plot of some weird indie movie. The mom and daughter were really sweet, but definitely didn’t seem to get the fact that Fox and I wanted to be alone, despite the fact that we were giving each other looks all during dinner, and holding hands under the table. We started playing rounds of music trivia, with Fox giving us the questions off the top of his head, and it was fun, except for the fact that I kept winning every round, even when Fox tried to throw me off, and the mother and daughter really wanted to keep playing.

I have honestly never been more anxious for a meal to end.

Around midnight, Fox declares that the next winner of the game will be the winner of them all (I had to keep from laughing- at this point, it was incredibly obvious how anxious he was to leave. I mean, we had eaten our food so quickly in what was clearly the hopes that we would be able to part ways, but noooooo. And let me also mention that the whole time, the 17 year girl was glaring at me from across the table. Oh Lord.), and then asked a bunch of trivia about music he figured I wouldn’t listen to like Sammy Hagar (definitely don’t) so that the mom and daughter could win.

We walked them outside and parted ways and then, well…Fox and I found some ways to occupy ourselves. It was really fun. I think the most interesting part of being with Fox is that we clicked so completely and so quickly. As you recall, when I first met Jonathan in person, it was really awkward, and even in Seattle, it was somewhat…well, it just wasn’t a perfect connection. This situation is totally different, of course, since Jonathan and I had already been talking for months prior to meeting each other and Fox and I were virtually strangers, but that’s the part that’s odd to me- like, Fox and I knew nothing about each other, but it really didn’t feel that way.

As soon as I saw him in Carson, I felt so comfortable with him and it immediately felt like we were instantly friends and had known each other for a long time. There was no first-meeting awkwardness, nothing. I’m not sure if it’s just because of Fox’s personality, or mine, or the combination of the two (you know how sometimes two people just have that electric connection together? We certainly did) but it was really cool. Fox said himself that even though he travels, it was rare for him to find someone that he really felt instantly connected to, and I had to agree. I mean, I can get along with anyone and I tend to have no problem meshing with new people really well- I am just a people person, what can I say?- but I knew what he meant.

Anyway, we spent a good two hours together after dinner, and reluctantly parted ways when Fox realized he had four more shows to play in the next 48 hours (though, at one point, he seriously considered coming to see me after his show in Sacramento, before I explained to him that it would be seriously backtracking and he’d have to get up really early in the morning to drive to San Francisco for his show at noon on Sunday) and had to head back to the house that he was staying at.

Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, so the goodbyes kept getting dragged out, with him walking me to my car, and then me walking him to his, and then him walking me back, and it was all even more dragged out by the fact that we kept getting…distracted…for several long periods of time. I won’t deny that I thought he was extremely sexy and was VERY attracted to him (did I mention that I melt for a British accent? And long hair? And green eyes? And a great sense of humor? And lovely a voice?), and he quite clearly felt the same way, and told me so in multiple was, multiple times (he actually said some very sweet, romantic things which I will quote in my personal diary for future reference. ;)).

It was really funny to me because he kept begging me to not forget about him. Between kisses, he held my face in his hands and was said, “Please don’t forget about me. I’ll be back when I tour again next year, and maybe we’ll see each other before then. Just don’t forget about me.” I started laughing and was like, “You’re the one touring the whole United States. I’m sure you won’t remember ME.” He assured me that he wouldn’t forget me, and then asked me what I’d do if he came back and I had a boyfriend. I just started laughing and said, “Trust me, with my track record, I won’t.”

When we finally DID say goodbye, we kind of left it open ended, which was really cool and obviously the only thing that makes sense. I mean, if Fox lived in Reno, it would be a different story. I think he is absolutely amazing and he really, clearly, liked me as well. I would be all about dating him, but as it is, he is a traveling musician who is doing shows every night all over the US until October, and I really don’t expect us to have some intense romance while that’s going on. Or at all, maybe. I don’t know. Both of us kept talking about seeing each other again, and I have a very strong feeling we will, but it’s not something I’m going to really lose sleep over.

Right now, I can say I got to see two really good concerts back to back for free. I got several songs dedicated to me and got serenaded in front of an audience by a very talented musician. I spent an evening with someone I felt instantly connected to and had more fun than I’ve had in a long time. And, you know, I got to make out…er….well, I’m not going to lie…make out A LOT with a hot, British musician. A perfect story, a perfect moment in my life, a perfect night. If it all ends at that, fantastic.

Though, this morning, he sent me a text to say that he had an “amazing time” last night and that I’m an “amazing kisser and person”. And, well, I did just send him a very cute e-mail (because, in addition to the begging me to not forget him, he made me promise that I’d e-mail him and that I’d call him sometimes too, because he really wanted to keep in touch with me), so it’s not like we’ve just completely forgotten each other yet.

I’m actually quite proud of myself for handling the situation as such. I mean, admittedly, it does suck, and seems to be my destiny to only be interested in someone that doesn’t live in the state of Nevada, lately, but I’m totally just leaving it up to the fates. I’m going to go on like I have before I met Fox and if anything is ever meant to be with us, it’ll happen. I mean, things will work out the way they’re meant to work out regardless, and there’s no point in fighting against the grain.

Anywho, I didn’t even get home last night until 3 something. And then I woke up at 8:30. Which sucked. After therapy, I went swimming with Wolf and Michelle and then Wolf and I had sushi (I’m slowly realizing just how long of a weekend I’ve had!), and then I came home and took a nap.

I got up from my nap around 8, when Joe called me to see if I wanted to go to Starbucks. Right after I hang up, Josh calls and asks if I still want to hang with him. I tell him yes and that I’ll meet him at Starbucks, with Joe in tow. So we meet up and Josh (*insert groan and palm-face here*) immediately asks me what happened last night, because…well…

So on Facebook, I updated my status on Friday saying I was very excited for the upcoming evening. Fox commented on said status saying, “Awesome :)”, clearly realizing that I was talking about seeing him. Josh commented a few minutes later, asking if I was excited about going out with HIM.

So, now I’m trying to think of a way to tell the Fox story and omit all the connecting and flirting and kissing, because I don’t want Josh to think I’m a total skank or something or toying with his emotions or anything negative like that. I manage to avoid it pretty nicely, I might say, but it was sticky for a second there. And that’s what she said.

Anyway, Joe observed that Josh seemed to want me to hang out with him alone, but since I had invited Joe, Josh also invited his friend Elgin. We meet up at Josh’s house (er, studio apartment, which he shares with a roommate. I had a really funny moment, that Elgin kept referring back to all night, when I entered the apartment and said, “Josh, where is your bedroom.” There’s a brief pause and then Elgin laughs and says, “You’re standing in it.” Oh.), and meet Elgin, whom shakes my hand and says, “Josh, she’s cuter than you said she was.” Aww and stuff.

We then all head over to Justin and Michelle’s apartment for a late night swim, and then the evening became really odd. Now, I think it’s obvious that Josh likes me or something. I mean, he has practically contacted me in some way or another every single day this week asking if I would hang out with him, go out with him, visit him at work, etc. So I was sure that he was going to make some sort of forward move tonight. And I think he was…

…until Elgin moved in. Now, Elgin is one of those people with a very dynamic personality. I can say that, because I tend to be the same kind of person as well. So, as soon as Elgin was thrown in the picture, the conversation somewhat revolved around him, not to mention that he is also an aspiring stand-up comedian (and pretty funny- reminds me of Dane Cook, which is a quite a compliment, coming from me) and kept trying out jokes.

This was all fine as we walked out to the pool and everything. We all got in the pool (Joe, Michelle, Elgin, Josh and myself) and Elgin was doing his center-of-attention thing and Josh and I were kinda on our own conversation for a bit. Then, I don’t know what happened, but Josh faded into the background and next thing you know, Elgin and I were talking and kind of flirting. Things got worse when we got in the Jacuzzi, because Josh made the dumb choice of letting Elgin sit next to me, so next thing you know, Elgin and I were talking and then Elgin jokingly held my hand under the water, which I think Josh saw…

Then, some random girl with a bunch of tattoos (well, she was also one of Michelle’s neighbors) came outside and invited herself to the Jacuzzi. Josh immediately welcomes her into the conversation (and now, thinking about this all back again, it’s making more and more sense) and starts eyeing her and her bikini.

I decide I want to go swim in the pool again, and Elgin immediately follows me, but Josh DOES NOT. I’m not offended by it- I mean, I don’t really like Josh in any way besides friendship at this point, anyway, so I’m all for him trying to hit on this tattooed girl if that’s what he thinks will work for him. Meanwhile, Elgin and I are in the pool talking and bouncing jokes off each other. Michelle (who quite obviously had a crush on Elgin) migrates over to the pool and so do Dario and Mike (two of my other friends whom decided to join us for the swim), leaving Joe, the girl and Josh in the Jacuzzi.

I didn’t know this at the time, but Joe told me later that Josh wasn’t even talking to the tattooed girl, but was instead, staring at Elgin and I in the pool the entire time. Every time I looked at Josh, I did notice him looking at us, particularly when Elgin was picking me up in the pool, and then swimming around the pool, giving me a piggy back ride. He looked really mad when that happened, actually.

And then, the rest of the night was really awkward, because Elgin kept making subtle advances towards me and then Josh was all quiet and mopey. When we dropped them back off, Josh barely even said goodbye to me, and Elgin was the one who stuck behind in the car to say goodbye and ask me to come see him do standup on Wednesday night.

So, here’s the thing I don’t understand- what the fuck happened? As soon as Joe and I were alone, we both were like, “Uh, what was that?” Joe suggested that perhaps Josh had been playing wingman for Elgin all along, and that’s why Elgin moved in, but I don’t think it’s that, since Josh has never mentioned Elgin EVER, before tonight. And then there’s his behavior after it all happened- if he was playing Elgin’s wingman, then his mission was pretty much accomplished when he kept backing away and letting Elgin flirt with me in front of everyone.

So I don’t really think it’s that. Joe also theorized that perhaps Josh was going to play wingman for Elgin but then realized that he liked me and was bummed. I don’t think it’s that either.

I honestly think Josh likes me. I think, for some dumb reason, he invited Elgin, and Elgin is just a flirt and so am I, so put two and two together…I think Josh thought something was going on between Elgin and I backed away, because (frankly) Elgin is a lot cuter, and overall more of a outgoing person than Josh, and probably gets more girls than him. Then, he tried to stay in the Jacuzzi with tattoo girl to make me jealous, which clearly didn’t work, especially since Elgin and I were wondering if he was trying to get her digits (which he didn’t- when we left, Josh didn’t even say goodbye to tattoo girl). And then he felt defeated, and probably annoyed, and…why are guys so dumb?

So now, I think things will be all awkward between Josh and me, and tonight he really just solidified the valid reasons I had before for believing that things wouldn’t work between us anyway. And I honestly did find myself more attracted to Elgin than Josh, but I even blame that on Josh, because I WAS somewhat open to dating him and if he had been more present tonight, it would’ve been an entirely different evening. And really, if Josh is going to be jealous about me giving attention to someone else, he should really be worried about this British musician that I was making out with until 2 am the night before- but, er…he doesn’t know about that.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

I don’t even know what to do about this situation. I figured I’d text Josh tomorrow, well, today, and see if he was okay last night- maybe all of our theories were wrong and he was just tired and feeling anti-social. Except he didn’t start feeling that way until Elgin and I started talking. So I somehow think that theory is wrong.

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Birds are chirping outside my window, and I’ve listened to Fox’s CD all the way through twice now. Oh, and the other great thing about the Winnemucca fans is that they recorded the entire show, so I’ll have video of the songs he dedicated to me. How cute is that? Very cute, I say. Very cute.

Sunshine

2009-05-15T01:33:00.000-07:00

But if I'm one thing
Then that's the one thing
I should know
Can anybody find their home
Out of everyone
Can anybody find their home
Lost in the sun
Can anybody find their home
Come on, come on, come on
Can anybody find their home...

- Keane, "Sunshine"

Wow. So today has been pretty freaking fantastic. I can’t deny it. I mean, I just updated about how life is getting better and better, but today was physical proof of it.

This morning I just woke up in a good mood. I got my tax return, finally (I DID file it on the very last day possible…oh, procrastination) so that was awesome. I dressed up kinda cute today (usually I don’t dress up that nicely to work- I mean, the kids don’t care), and everyone kept saying I looked really pretty all day. Which actually makes me think I must look like crap every other day, because I mean, I looked cute, but I didn’t try THAT hard, and I kept getting complimented. So, in comparison to a typical day where I look like crap, I looked REALLY great today.

My kindergarten crush on Mr. Kemp was also fed as I saw him today and flirted some. It’s so bad, but oh, so good. I feel so dumb every time I see him though- all I can ever do is just giggle and make lame jokes. Geeze.

Anyway, after work, I met up with Alex White, who is in town for a few days. We had a fun time chatting over coffee and iced tea. It’s funny, because I feel like Alex and I are so connected with each other’s lives- between tweeting/reading each other’s blogs/chatting we should be totally updated on everything. But somehow we manage to still have two-hour conversations without one single lag or awkward silence. I think it’s just the mark of an awesome friendship.

Almost immediately afterwards, I met up with Deidre for dinner at the Olive Garden. Deidre and I are the same way- even more so than Alex and I with the whole connectedness issue. Though Deidre and I don’t chat, so a lot of time we only get the limited text/Twitter version of each other’s stories, so it’s always nice to sit face to face and talk about everything in detail.

After dinner, we met up with Jenna to go to this free concert. Now this is when the night becomes VERY INTERESTING…

So, to make a long story short, a few months ago this guy randomly added me to Facebook. He was promoting his music and said he was adding me because I like Coldplay and Keane and stuff, and his music is somewhat similar. I kept him as a friend mostly because I like listening to up and coming artists, and he was from Oxford, England, which is just cool on principal.

Anyway, a week ago or so, I got an event invite from Fox (yes, his name is Fox Elipsus. I’m not sure if that’s just his stage name or what, but more on that later…lol), saying that he was going to be in Reno, of all places, playing a free show at the local Borders. I figured I’d go, because as I justified to Deidre, despite the fact that I never even listened to his music he’s 1) here all the way from New York/Oxford, 2) giving a free show and 3) What the hell else are we gonna do at 7 pm on a Thursday night?

Anyhow, we get to the show and it had a pretty good turnout. There were about 20 people there, which made the place look packed, as the Borders is a bit small. We came into the show during the first song, so we had to sit practically on his “stage”, which was kinda cool.

His music was really good- I honestly enjoyed it a lot. In fact, I’m listening to the CD now, and there’s a few fantastic songs on it. In addition to being a good musician, he was also quite funny- much of his banter made me laugh out loud, and Deidre and Jenna seemed to really enjoy it as well.

Halfway through the show, he asks if anyone came to see him through the Facebook invite. I raise my hand, and he asks if all three of us are his Facebook friends or just me. I say just me, but that I’ll make Jenna and Deidre add him too. He asks me my name, and I tell him, and then (and this is so funny to me, because I really hate when people spell my name wrong) he spells it out correctly on the first try and asks if he spelled it right on Facebook. I tell him yes, and then he goes into a mini-spiel about how my name is spelled correctly like the French city (yes! Finally someone that knows that besides me. Brittney, Britani, Brittnay, Brittney, etc. are all wrong- it’s supposed to be BrittANY!), and how, in fact, my name would be different in French.

Anyway, then he goes on to make up a story about how we dated once and I broke his heart. He had done the same thing earlier with someone else in the audience, and had inserted her name into his cover of the Coldplay song, “The Scientist.” But he fleshed out my story, saying that before he ever met anyone else, there was me, and I completely broke his heart. Everyone was laughing, and I was too- actually caught up between being amused and embarrassed. As much as I am a ham, I always get a bit embarrassed when a bunch of attention is randomly put on me.

He starts singing this song about how his heart is broken and inserts my name into it the whole time, while looking at me and singing too. Deidre and I can’t stop laughing (Jenna actually missed the whole thing, as she took this time to go and buy some books. Bad timing, she has.) And all the other people watching keep looking at me and smiling/chuckling.

At the end, he goes on to say how he was in Sacramento (which is HILARIOUS, because I lived in Sacramento before Reno…funny coincidence!) the other day and he ran into this guy on the street. The guy said he looked sad, and Fox said he was sad, and how did he know?

“I feel the same way. I’ve just gotten my heart broken.”

Fox replies, “Me too. By Brittany.”

And the guy replies back, “Me TOO! Same Brittany?!” And it was me, apparently. I was laughing so hard.

Then Fox goes on to warn the audience about my “heart-breaking ways”, and says, “She looks really nice, but she’s a heart-breaker. Blame it all on the girl with the pink, polka dot headband.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

Anyway, the show comes to an end and I get up to buy his CD and get it signed. He was in the middle of signing someone else’s, but as I walked up he turns to me and smiles and says, “ You smell GREAT!”

When it’s my turn, he signs (and says aloud as he signs) “For the gorgeous, spectacular, sexy…” and pauses, and then looks me over (very seductively, might I add) and says, “Hmm, what else are you?”

Thank God I’m not white- I would’ve been blushing. So then he adds on, “Delicious, stunning and irresistible Brittany. Love Fox, xxx” After he finishes, he jots something on the top of the CD and says, “I put my number on there too, so you can call me.” And winks. Of course, I assume he’s joking, so I just chuckle and give him a hug, and he says again that I smell really good.

He signs Deidre’s CD and gives her and Jenna hugs and then we say goodbye, and as we walk away he asks me to e-mail him or Facebook him and tell him what I think of the CD, and I say I will.

We get outside, all three of us laughing at Fox’s choice of adjectives for me and apparent flirting. At this point, Deidre and I both open our CDs, and I’m shocked to see that Fox really HAS jotted down his phone number with a smiley face next to it. I check Deidre’s CD, which he signed, “To the gorgeous and sexy Deidre” but with no number…so this sends us all into another round of school-girl giggles, and then Deidre and Jenna start telling me that I have to text him at least. Which normally, I don’t think I would’ve, but I don’t know…it was great day and I was in a great, daring mood.

Anyway, we part ways and then I remember I need to go to Wal-Mart. On the way there I text Fox and say, “It’s Brittany. Sorry for breaking your heart ;)”

To which he promptly replies, “It’s no problem. You smell delicious, by the way. This is Fox, in case you are confused with all the hearts you break.”

Told you he was funny.

We text back and forth for a good hour, with him somehow convincing me to come and see his show tomorrow in Carson City (which is about 30 minutes away from Reno) and lots of really cute flirting and just….ahh!

I think the funniest thing about this all is 1) I was totally not expecting any of it and 2) I’ve always wanted to have a fling with a musician.

I’m kidding. Sorta. But, I am…uh, totally going to see his show tomorrow night. As he said in the last text he sent, “You will get more than just a song dedication. Hehe.” Oh. My.

Okay, so enough of that, because now I’m getting all giggly and smiley again. I’ll, of course, update you all on what happens tomorrow in Carson. I’m SURE there will be stories to tell…*insert sweet, innocent grin*

Anyway, then the night just gets more and more interesting. While I’m at Wal-Mart, I see this one employee that ALWAYS smiles at me is working. I end up in his line, and he starts immediately flirting with me. He introduces himself and then asks for my number. I politely decline but take his number. I probably won’t call him…don’t ask why, but I rarely do call the guys that give me their number (and I just laughed out loud after I typed that. So, except tonight, I don’t call when guys give me their number! I guess you have to be a talented, British musician for me to call you! ;)). Hopefully it won’t be awkward when I see him again at Wal-Mart. I just don’t understand how this
keeps happening to me.

THEN, as I’m heading to my car, I get a voicemail alert. I get in the car and start listening to the voicemail, only to discover that it’s Josh (from last weekend), and he’s also at Wal-Mart. I call him and then he gets all creepy and says he’s stalking me, and won’t tell me how he can see me or where he’s at. I give up trying to find him after like, two seconds, but it was still really funny, and random, seeing as how he is still trying to get me to go on this date with him (it has now moved to this Saturday, after I cancelled on Sunday for some lame-o reasons), and apparently it was the night for me to have a lot of male attention. It was all in the pink hair band, I think.

I’ll probably go to Fox’s show tomorrow, looking all “hot” (and trust me, I plan to turn on the sexy tomorrow. If he was interested in me tonight, when I looked like a nerdy schoolteacher, I don’t know what he’ll think tomorrow…muahahaha), and he’ll be like, “Oh, you? Never mind, it was dark at the other Borders. You don’t look nearly as cute without the headband, either.”

Well, I guess we’ll see tomorrow, eh? All I know is that life has already been really great lately, despite my little relapse last night (which is really not even worth mentioning now. Dust under the rug. And thanks to Chauncey and my therapy sessions, I did NOT beat myself up for it this morning either. Yay!). Today was just the icing on the cake.

I mean, what more can I ask for? Extra money, good day at work, flirting with Mr. Kemp, getting complimented all day, having coffee with one of my favorite people, followed by lunch with one of my best friends ever, then a free concert and coffee, getting flirted with and serenaded by a cute and talented English musician, texting said musician (who also texted “I would love to see you again” among other cute things <3), having a random guy give me his number, running into another guy that likes me, apparently…phew.

A day in the life of Brittany- good, or bad- is never dull. Ever. Alex White said earlier today, “Your life is never boring.” And he’s right. I’m kinda thankful for that.

You Gotta Fall In Order To Mend

2009-05-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shining
It’s a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I’ll be ok

This cycle never ends
You gotta fall in order to mend

- Joshua Radin, "Brand New Day"

I feel like life is really fantastic lately. I mean, honestly, I have complaints but they aren't so bad. And especially when I look at how far I've come...I can't help but think things are amazing by comparison, and just in general, actually.

It's funny, because when you're in pain or suffering, the last thing you want to hear is about how you have to have the bad in order to appreciate the good. But it seems to be true. Because I don't think I would appreciate the good in my life so much now if I didn't have the bad first.

I'm really excited because I got approved for a full financial aid scholarship to go to school during the fall and spring semesters. I'm so stoked to be going back to school; I've really missed it and I just want to finish up my degree and be done with it.

I have so many exciting things to look forward to in general- moving out and into the Turner House (as I will now nickname Rusty's/my future home), the summer and various trips, my birthday weekend and San Francisco group scavenger hunt, camping trips (yay!), going to see Christina in LA in July (we decided today- I can't wait!), possibly getting a different job, more therapy sessions, spending time with friends and going on more dates (heh)...I'm just generally excited about life.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. Probably not since the beginning of the year, but the best part about this all is that all of it is in my hands. My happiness comes from the choices I'm making, the plans that I've made for myself, the stuff I know I will do. It's a powerful, exhilarating feeling. It's wonderful.

I can't stop thinking about how far I've come. How a few months ago I felt like my world was caving in on me, and now I feel like I'm on top of it.

And you know, I guess it's true then. You have to have the bad to appreciate the good.

So I can't take any of it back. I can't take back any of the sadness, because I never would've known how sweet it is to feel joy again. I can't take away my weaknesses, because I would've never appreciated how strong I can be. And I won't regret falling down, because the climb back up wouldn't have meant as much.

You gotta fall in order to mend.

What A Week...

2009-05-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

Tears and joy all in one day
What a day, what a day…
What a day

- Castledoor, "What A Day"

Sorry for the lack of updates! I've had a really crazy and wonderful week. And scarce time to write in here.

Let's see- work has been pretty intense all week. We started a new behavior plan for the child I'm working with, and so far it's going okay. My arms are completely bitten and bruised from him, but it's a part of the job, so I can't really complain anyway.

I went out with Joe and Wolf on Cinco de Mayo for drinks and dinner, which was fun. I also had sushi with the Schnack Pack Gang (Joe, Deidre and Corazon) on Thursday night, which was filled with laughs and reminiscing on music of the 90's. Good times.

This weekend has been pretty fun too. On Friday night, I had drinks with my co-workers right after work, and then Joe and I met up with Missy and had a very drunken night. Well, Missy and I did, at least. We went to the Little Waldorf and ended up having FOUR drinks with double shots of alcohol in them, and then had two shots each. Then we ended up at some house party to pick up Rusty, who was also super drunk.

They had some bon fire going outside, and I met this guy, Spencer, who Joe said kept flirting with me. I guess he was...it was all a bit blurry at that point. We did share a magical moment. And a cigar. And a shot out of his flask. And may I just ask myself, how come every time I end up getting really drunk I start drinking out of random men's flasks? I should really stop that. It could end tragically one day.

Anyway, then we went and got Rusty and the four of us made a drunken trip to Wal-Mart to get post-drinking munchies, and Rusty and I kept drunkenly declaring how much we can't wait to live with each other and (this is making me laugh right now) smoke hookah, drink beer and eat macaroni and cheese all the time. Yeah. Really drunk, we were.

We made it back to Missy's house, and Flo was home too, so we all made a lot of noise and a huge ordeal over making Mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches in the kitchen. And Missy made a big mess making some cupcakes. We put The 5th Element, and I passed out before it even started, basically. I crashed at Missy's and she and Rusty took me home the next morning; the three of us were all pathetic and terribly hangover...a very sad, albeit hilarious, sight to see, I'm sure.

I had my therapy appointment at noon, so I went to that. Somehow I managed to pull it together, because I was DEFINITELY suffering a horrible hangover (the worse one I've had in MONTHS!). I don't think Chauncey even knew.

Anyway, my session yesterday went really well. I mostly talked about my mom, and told him a lot of our back-story, and some stuff I've never told anyone. As I was finishing my story, Chauncey interrupted me and said, "Brittany, you are remarkable. You really are."

I kind of smiled and was just like, "I don't think I am, but thanks."

And he laughed and said, "I'm the one with the degree. And I say you are."

The verdict's still out, in my opinion, but okay, Chauncey. Thanks for making me feel good, at least :)

Anywho, after therapy things got really crazy because yesterday was apparently the day for everyone to invite me to do something. First, Missy and Rusty wanted me to come to this zombie-themed party Rusty's friend, Sam, was throwing. Then, Michelle, Justin and Wolf wanted me to come over to go swimming. Then, well, I had tentatively made plans to hang out with this guy, Josh, but I was thinking of bailing on him.

To make a long story short, Josh is the brother of my first boyfriend ever, Justin. I've mentioned Justin a few times in my blog. He lives in Washington, DC now, where he goes to school. But anyway, his older brother, Josh, still lives in Reno.

Now, Josh and I have never really hung out one on one before. When Justin and I dated, Josh actually lived in Nebraska, and the only times I saw him was when he came to town to visit Justin (and actually, I remember the first time we met- no joke- he came up to me and said, "Do you have any Irish in you?" and me, being completely naive and innocent took it literally and said, “Well, I think I have about 1/5 Irish in me…” And of course, Josh said, "Well, do you want some more?" Justin was mortified). Josh was the one that actually hooked Justin and I up in the first place- he e-mailed me from Nebraska telling me that Justin really liked me and even called me on the phone to tell me I should date his brother.

And when we broke up, Josh and I still stayed friends. Over the years, we've been pretty consistent online friends...we'd talk on MySpace or Facebook sometimes to keep in touch.

Anyway, lately Josh has been asking me to hang out with him a lot. Like, asking me on Facebook every other day, texting me, etc. And it's not as though I DON’T want to hang out with him- he just always waits until the last minute to ask me to hang out, so by the time he does, I already have plans. This has happened on four consecutive occasions.

So anyway, I knew that I should really put some time aside to hang out with Josh this weekend, because I didn't want him to think I'm just completely avoiding him. So yesterday after a few games of phone tag, I finally talked to him and told him about my plans for the night. He asked me to come down to the Journey's (shoe store) he's a manager at to figure out the night, so Joseph and I both went.

It was really interesting. First of all, I don't remember Josh being so cute. Bad news bears. Secondly, the first thing Joe said when we got in the car was, "That was SO flirty!" I kinda felt like it was too, but I don't know- I'm really oblivious to when someone likes me...like REALLY oblivious to it.

But, there was definitely some chemistry there yesterday. And now all his hounding of me to hang out with him makes sense. Double bad news bears. Because, as I told Joe, I don't know how I feel about dating brothers. I mean, my relationship with Justin was fairly short lived, and completely innocent (we didn't even kiss...Justin wanted to wait until he was married to have his first kiss), and I think Josh may have even already discussed this with Justin, as he just saw him last week and since then he has become even MORE persistent in hanging out. Or maybe he's trying to hook me back up with Justin. Though I don't think that's it at all, since I was the one to mention Justin, and Josh was pretty reluctant to talk about him.

Anyway, it's all very interesting. As we were leaving Joe was like, "He even gave ME butterflies." Haha. I can't deny that I felt something was there. But I wanted to go swimming really bad, so that's what I did last night, and Josh and I are hanging out tonight. So I suppose I shall update and tell you all how it went soon.

I may be putting the horse before the cart- I mean, Josh being flirty doesn't necessarily mean he likes me and perhaps he just wants to hang out because I'm awesome. I don’t even know if I like him, really, and I would totally stay true to the dating code if Justin was like, “Uh, no, I don’t want you to date my brother.” And, truth be told, I still like Mark, though he still (clearly) lives in Sacramento. And I’m still not talking to Mike D., and Joe thinks I should go back and find Spencer and date him. Oh, dating.

The Hurt Makes Me Feel Alive

2009-05-02T04:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, how do you break a mended heart?
I’m bored and I want something to do

I wanna fall, fall asleep
Asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
A woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love
I wanna lie, lie to myself
Myself and someone else
Just to feel something, something that hurts me
The hurt makes me feel alive
I wanna fall
I wanna need
I wanna laugh, cry, say goodbye
Beg, lie, cheat and steal

- John Mayer, "The Hurt"

One of the things I've discovered about human nature- as masochistic as it may be- is that we often like to suffer.

Not because suffering is fun. Unless you truly are a masochist.

But because suffering is easy. Suffering requires no work, suffering requires no energy, except for the simple act of feeling pain. And it's easy to wallow in pain; it's cushioned and comfortable and warm and familiar.

Everyone has felt their own level of intense pain before. And that memory will stand out more than any other in our mind, because it was such a deep feeling. The only other feeling that comes even close to a deep pain is a deep love. You'd never forget either.

So, it's easy to just revert back to that pain. And it's easier to just succumb and cry, than to fight and think of reasons not to.

You start to overlook everything else, think you need something completely bad for you, because it's a lot harder to think about moving past the pain and moving on.

It's an easy trap to fall into. You start thinking you need him because it's so easy to get back involved with something you just got out of. And no matter how many things are telling you that it's wrong, and stupid, and would never work, you start to believe it anyway. And next thing you know, you're crying, because you know your subconscious was right all along- it can't, and it won't work. And that stupid part of your brain, the part that likes to wallow in that familiar pain thrives, just because this pain- this feeling, this crying in your bed, listening to sad John Mayer songs (or maybe that's just me)- is almost comforting now. Like a shot of vodka- it burns when it goes down, but it feels so good and warm once it settles in the pit of your stomach.

But then, if you're lucky- and I just had a lucky moment- you snap and realize that the reason this pain is familiar, the reason this feels like your favorite pair of worn out shoes- is because of the exact same reason you're crying. That you are able to relive such a deep pain, only because of the person in question- who hurt you so badly to begin with. And now, here you are...here I am...crying again over. . .

Wanting him back? No.

Wanting the pain back? Hope not.

Wanting to feel something? Definitely.

There are no two emotions you'll ever feel deeper than hurt and love. It takes time to feel love in a similar way again; it takes trust you're not sure you'll ever have, it takes finding the right person, them loving you back, putting your heart on the line, challenges and risks.

But the hurt? The pain? It's still there. And it takes nothing to relive. Only a string of sad thoughts, a few lonely memories, and you're there. Oh, and you feel it.

The hurt makes you feel alive.

These Words Are My Diary, Screaming Out Loud...

2009-05-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

- Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2 A.M.)"

I’ve been in a very reflective mood lately. I don’t know where it’s come from, but since yesterday afternoon, I’ve been more in my head than in reality.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past few months. I feel like everything went by in such a blur; almost like time was moving around me and I didn’t even notice. Mostly, I feel this way because I was wrapped up in everything going on…in Jonathan and in work, particularly. And now, that I’ve gotten time to slow down, I’m looking back and thinking to myself, “Was that time well-spent or time well-wasted?”

I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll never know the answer to that question.

Work has been really rough lately. The child I work with has regressed again with seemingly no explanation. They are bringing in more specialists to help, and today we needed a three-person team just to keep him under control. He got kicked out of an afterschool Autism program for his behavior, so I know it’s not just me or the school. And everyone keeps telling me I am doing a good job, the best I can do. Yet, I can’t help but think, “Look at all that hard work I put into this- I spent the entire year working, and stressing, and crying and praying, and trying, and trying and trying…all for this child, and now it seems like it was for hardly anything at all.”

And then, of course, I feel the same exact way about Jonathan. Probably from the beginning of the year, when I decided to go see him in Seattle, I spent so much of my time and energy on that relationship. Especially after San Francisco. And I think I loved him more than I have ever loved another person, and tried harder to make it work than I would’ve with any other relationship. Only to find out I had been lied to the entire time, and now I can’t help doubting if his feelings were ever the same, or even what he said they were- because if he lied to me about everything else, he surely could’ve lied to me about that as well.

I wish I could know the answer for sure. It’s almost worth asking him myself, because I think that’s the one thing that’s holding me back from cutting all ties and moving on completely. I mean, I have moved on, but there is still a part of me that wants to know…that needs to know. And whenever I think about Jonathan, whenever the last six months roll through my mind in Technicolor, the last question I always ask myself is why. Why would he lie to me? Why didn’t it work out? Why do these kinds of things happen to me? Woe is me, I know, but honestly, it’s those questions that make me toss in bed at night- it’s the answer that I’m longing to know. I don’t think I’d ever find out from Jonathan though- I do not trust him to tell me the truth- how can I?

But it is yet another example of something I spent way too much time and energy and frankly (just as the case with my child) too much of my heart on this year, only to be greeted with negative results.

And with work and with Jonathan, I keep asking myself- was it worth it? Yes. On both counts. It was worth it to see my child doing so great for a while, if only briefly. It was great teaching him how to use the computer, or how to zip his jacket or how to read and do math.

And with Jonathan, it was worth it for those few months to be happy. To think that someone could love me in relationship- even if he didn’t and even if he had been lying- I still felt it. And that feeling kept me going for much longer than anything else would’ve at the time.

So maybe God gives us these things as a temporary placement until something real or better comes along.

And the other question I ask myself each time is, “Would you do it again?”

Yes. And no.

I would do everything I did at work again. Because I know that there is nothing less I would ever do, and there is nothing more I could do. I would do it all the same, even if I knew that now, in May, we’re back to square one, like the past three or four months ever happened.

And with Jonathan, I would have to say no. I would not do it again. It’s not that I regret it. I don’t regret any of it. I couldn’t. It was the best thing I’ve had in a long time, maybe the best thing I’ve had, ever, as sad as that may be. I can’t forget that, and I can’t regret that.

BUT…I wouldn’t do it again, simply because it hurts that much more for it to have been false, or over now. And while I am able to say I am now a firm believer in the “better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all” sentiment, I would rather not have loved him at all, and instead just waited for someone else that would’ve treated me the way I deserved to be treated. And as much as it hurts me to think this, I feel as though I wasted my time on someone and something I wanted to work, on someone I loved, but didn’t love me back the way I deserved or needed. And I still wish it could’ve all gone differently, I really wish it could. If things had been all changed- if he had never lied to me, if he hadn’t been sleeping with Jeannie, if he had’ve been honest, if he hadn’t have let me leave Seattle, if he hadn’t have broken up with me and then kept me hanging on while he continued to sleep with Jeannie again, if he hadn’t have pulled the whole switch and bait on Jeannie and Kristin, if he hadn’t basically discarded me…

…that’s a lot of “ifs”.

Jonathan tweeted today (yes, I will admit to occasionally still seeing his Tweets, but hey, he still reads my blog, so we’re even) about waking up feeling sad every morning. He said he didn’t know why. I can think of some reasons. I can think of a lot reasons, actually.

But, I digress. This is about me…not him.

I’ve basically just decided that with every choice I make for now on I’m always going to ask myself those two questions- will it be worth it in the end? And would I do it over again, should it go bad?

I can’t say if that will change anything, or make my decisions easier, or even right. But it’s the only thing that makes sense to me right now; the only conscious way I can think of not making the same mistakes.

You Can't Love Too Much One Part Of It...

2009-04-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me

- John Mayer, "Wheel"

I just got back from seeing "The Soloist" with Joe G. and Deidre. It was a really great movie. The acting was terrific- I'm realizing that I am quite a Robert Downey Jr. fan and Jamie Fox was nothing short of brilliant. But the thing that really stuck with me through the movie was the overall theme of friendship.

There’s a point during the film when Robert Downey Jr.'s character realizes that being a friend to Nathaniel (Jamie Fox) s much too hard, but also realizes that being a friend to Nathaniel might be the one thing to save him.

I have personally been in that situation before. Perhaps not as epically as portrayed in he movie, but still- I can think of more than a few times when I knew I needed to be someone's friend because they needed me- not because I needed them, or not even because I wanted to be.

And as conceited as that probably sounds, it's happened. And I'm sad to say, a few times I took the selfish way out- even knowing that the person really just needed a friend, and that happened to be me- I still decided it was too much pressure to mean so much to one person and I backed away. It's a scary feeling, to be someone's "everything" when they are hardly an "anything" to you.

But you know, how hard is it to really just be a friend to someone? How hard is to be there for someone when they need you to be? Not very hard at all, really. And like in “The Soloist", sometimes being that friend can change their life. Maybe not in big ways. But even the small ways matter in the long run. I know some of my friendships have changed my life. I hope my friends can say the same about me.

On a different note, this weekend has been pretty tame. Nothing terribly exciting happened- as I said, Friday night was pretty fun. Last night was okay- I spent the evening with Justin, Michelle, Wolf and Joe and I ended up drinking a bit. What else is new, though? And then today, movies with Deidre- which is always a fun time with lots of laughs. Joe tagged along and then we went for a random drive/Queen sing-a-long. I’ve decided to write a musical dedicated to Queen. It’ll be awesome. I’ll be famous.

My therapy session yesterday went well. It was overwhelming, though. Afterwards, I had to take an hour drive to finish crying/clear my head. We started off talking about my mom and Chauncey gave me some practical advice on that situation. After that, we talked about more personal things- mostly the way I feel about love and being loved, and it was waterworks central.

I told Chauncey, (and this is really hard for me to share, but again, I will because I’m sure there has to be someone else out there that feels this same way), that one of my biggest fears- the thing that hurts me the most, and the thing I truly believe, is that I’ll never be loved. I couldn’t’ even say it without crying.

Chauncey told me it was ridiculous. I immediately put my defenses up and he paused and said, “Whoa, that bounced right off of you.”

“Sorry,” I said quickly. “It’s just that no matter how many times my friends tell me I’ll be loved, or you or even when I tell myself that, I can’t believe it. I don’t have proof of it.”

Yikes. I never really realized how jaded and cynical I’ve become. I was like that way before Jonathan, no worries (what I’m saying is, he hasn’t scarred me that bad. Trust me). But it’s still really sad to me. What’s worse is that I truly, completely feel that way. And even though I was crying as I said it, it’s something I say to myself ALL the time. It makes me sad, it disgusts me, but it’s the truth.

Chauncey said something along the lines that he found it incredible to believe that “someone like [me]” could never be loved. When I said again later that I wouldn’t be loved he actually cringed, paused for a second and then said, “It’s really hard for me to sit here and hear you say that. It’s just not true.”

Sigh.

It’s something I’ll have to work through. We talked about that most of the session- about how I do have real reason to feel that way, but it’s not true. And how I need to stop feeding into that insecurity. And most of all, it’s a self-defeating cycle. Because, of course I’ll never feel real love if I never think I deserve it or will have it. And I think these are all things I somewhat know in the back of my head, but it feels good to have someone (a professional at that! Ha.) tell me that my thoughts are founded and aren’t so abnormal and to give me a way to work through them. Which was exactly my purpose of going into therapy.

And I really like Chauncey. He’s very kind, and genuine. And he really seems to get me. Which of course, is his job, but I like that he seems to understand me within two sessions. It was funny, because he asked me to recap quickly what we went over last week. I told him everything I had absorbed and remembered, and he shook his head and laughed quietly, and said, “It’s really great to have someone be so present and insightful and willing to work together. And you’re very bright and articulate, and…you’ve just been great.”

I was kinda taken aback, and I think he was too, because then he shook his head again and then said, “Well, that’s besides the point, sorry.”

But since we were getting all warm and fuzzy I told him how I raved to my friends about how much I enjoyed our session last week and how helpful I can foresee him being.

So I’m glad I have a therapist I enjoy. It’s nice to talk through my problems and also laugh at dumb stuff (which we actually did) and cry together (in a way- he still did the teary eyed thing, especially when I cried about the love issue). My next session is Saturday, so we’ll see how that goes.

I really don’t want to work tomorrow, but oh well. Here’s hoping the week goes by fast. I can’t believe it’ll be May in just a few days. This has been the fastest year of my life, I think. All of it has gone by in such a blur. And now I feel a bit sad that I spent a good half of it (so far) being depressed and crying. Then again, I can say I spent a good half being really happy too.

Like I told Deidre the other night, life is just one big wheel of happy, sad, beautiful, ugly, hurt, joy, bittersweet, etc. And we never spend too much time on one part before it turns around again.

This Is My December..

2009-04-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

- Linkin Park, "My December"

Saturday morning, and I am up before noon. What is wrong with my life?

I kid. I usually try to sleep in, but now that my body is used to working all the time, I never can. Sleeping in now is waking up at 10. Like I did this morning. I couldn't even sleep in during spring break- so sad.

Anywho, the past few days have been pretty good. Well, omitting work. The other day I called in sick because of a migraine I had all night, which caused me not to sleep. IN fact, my head hurts now. But I digress...

So, I called in sick, and for once, Marcy (the teacher in my classroom) didn't pull the whole, "I'm going to text you 8,000,000 times while you're trying to sleep or puking in the bathroom, because for some reason I think you're faking it, even though tomorrow you'll totally come in with a pale face and/or a horrible cough."

I was suprised. But then I got to work on Thursday, and she told me the principal wanted to talk to me. I was absolutely furious, because I could quickly see what had happened- Marcy decided to complain about me calling in to the principal, because she doesn't have any fucking balls herself to just say something to my face (and talk about eerie- she just texted me. Her ears must be burning). So, she was being extra sweet to me all day, and at three I went and talked to the principal.

And I told her exactly how it is. Yup, I call in sick sometimes. I only call in when I'm actually sick. There has never been a day when I called in sick when I wasn't literally sick. And frankly, I'm not going to come in when I'm not feeling well, especially when I work with the toughest kid in class. I hardly can keep up with him when I'm feeling 100%, let alone when I haven't slept and have a migraine.

The principal understood and was actually fine with everything- it was a five minute talk and then I went back to class. Marcy seemed scared that I was going to be mad at her or something, and I was, but I didn't say anything.

But it does really piss me off. I keep getting this same feeling working at the school lately- like I;m just a disposable robot. I get it from the child's parents, and now I'm getting it from Marcy. It makes me really mad.

I mean, I worked at In-N-Out for 3 1/2 years. And yes, there, I was a disposable robot. If I called in sick, they could call in 15 other people that day that could easily do my job just as well, if not better than I could. It was no big deal. But the funny thing is that I NEVER felt that way at In-N-Out. The managers all really cared about me; if I was sick, they'd first of all, send me home to get rest, and if I called in, they'd always be very sympathetic and check on me the next time I worked.

At the school, I feel like everyone sort of takes me for granted. Never mind that I was TRAINED to do my job. Never mind that I work with one of the toughest cases. Never mind that I can't even leave the class for a few minutes without everyone not being able to "handle" my kid (true story- went for a 3 minute trip to get water, came back and he was running around the classroom with Marcy and Vanessa chasing him). Never mind that no one else would probably even do my job, and if they tried to hire someone else, not many people are qualified anyway.

It's like all those things are disregarded, because I called in sick one day. And his mom takes all those things for granted too, until I say I might quit next year. It makes me feel like I'm a robot- Brittanybot 3000 or something- and my job is come to work everyday with a fresh smile and never feel any human emotions, or any human weaknesses, and to be the best aide in the whole wide world. And if I ever have any problems, I'm getting shipped out of here. Except not, because they're not going to fire me, as they are all well aware of how much I do, and put up with, and how little anyone else would (hello, this child has gone through at least five aides. Joe and I have stuck around the longest so far). So instead, they just treat me like crap because they think they can get away with it.

It's really not fair, but whatevs. It's kinda an irritation that doesn't matter much once I leave the classroom doors- besides, I've had worse work situations and overall life situations, so this really doesn't compare. Just needed to vent.

After the shiteous work day, I went over to Rusty's house and he cooked a bunch of us dinner (hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill...oh yeah!) and then we got ready to go to another Aces game. This time it was me, Missy, Rusty, Lindy, Trevor, and some of Trevor's friends. We got really drunk before the game, which was fun, because Rusty's house (aka my future home!) is about a five minute walk from downtown/the Aces stadium, so we didn't have to worry about driving or anything. Then, the game had $2 beers, so the alcohol was flowing all afternoon.

It was really fun. Cold, but really fun. Rusty, Missy and I were already talking about the summer and how we can't wait- especially for what is now becoming our annual 4th of July camping trip to Twin Lakes with Rusty's parents. I was laughing because Missy's parents are coming this year too, and I was just saying how funny it is that I'm not related to Missy or Rusty, yet their parents always invite me to stuff like I'm a surrogate child. Same with Joe. Rusty was laughing too and was like, "Well, my parents love you to death so that's why." Aww. Thanks for telling me what I already know though, Rusty. ;)

Hmm, my headache is gone. I'm pretty sure it's all due to stress, because once I started thinking about good/happy things, it went away. Odd.

After the game, we went to Missy's house and she and I made cookies (well, Missy made cookies, and I just stood around talking/looking pretty) for Joe's play. Work wasn't bad yesterday, and it went by quickly, which was good. After work, Missy and I met at her house again and drove together to Joe's play.

Joe has been helping out at Sparks High (the school we both graduated at) with their freshman play. He directed it and helped write the script, which is a modern take on Sleeping Beauty. The show was really cute, and the kids were all really excellent. As I said afterwards, no matter what grade they are in (it was a big thing that the cast was all frosh- Missy and I thought it might've sucked because of that fact), they did an AWESOME job and should all be proud. So should Joe- he put in TONS of work for this play, and it was wonderful to see all his hours and hard work and lack of sleep come to fruition. I was so proud of him.

Since Missy and I drove together, I had to drive back with her to her house to get my car before meeting Joe and Wolf for post-play dinner. Missy and I have hung out a lot lately, and it's really been great. It's funny, because we've been good friends for a while, but these past few weeks have been the first time we really have gotten to hang out one on one. I've always felt much closer to her sister, Becca, in that way, but since Becca is in England now I have time to just hang out with Missy (Becca and I are still close though- in fact, I'm going to e-mail her once I get done writing this- we talk every other day, just about). Missy has opened a lot lately to me, and it makes me happy to think that we're becoming closer friends. Yay friendship.

Joe, Wolf and I drove to Pneumatic Diner, this little vegetarian/hippy diner downtown that Joe and I love. We dropped Wolf off because he's been sick lately, and then Joe and I went to- of course- Art Dogs, to smoke hookah.

We had a few nice conversations there. Joe got teary-eyed when he told me that he's proud of me for how well I've handled everything lately. It meant a lot to hear him say that, because I still feel like I'm struggling everyday. I mean, I will talk about it today in therapy, but I just feel like I'm not doing the best I can to get over everything.

No, that's not how I feel. I do feel like I'm doing the best I CAN. But I don't think that's the best. But see, that's one of those inadequacy issues I need to work through.

Still, it's always nice to hear someone who cares about you tell you you're doing a good job. Joe said that I don't give myself enough credit and that I'm stronger than I think which made me feel good too. I mean, again, some days I wonder if I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but the fact that everyone that knows the whole story keeps giving me a lot of credit for handling it all so well tells me that I'm not.

Besides, I know for a fact that if I was being ridiculous, Joe would say, "Suck it up and get the fuck over it." So for him to say, "You've handled this so well. I'm proud of you. You're stronger than you think. You did this on your own." makes me think that it's a big of a deal as I think it is, and I am doing a good job of "bouncing back with style" (quoting Everwood again- if Ephram Brown can do it, so can I!)

I suppose I should get up and take a shower now. Like I mentioned, I have my second therapy session today. After that, who knows what I'm going to do- I still have that 3-way hangout dilemma, so we'll see what I decide on. Probably the cheapest of the three, or so I hope.

Someday I Will Be Loved...

2009-04-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

- Death Cab For Cutie, "Someday You Will Be Loved"

I can't speak for anyone. I certainly cannot speak for someone who I feel as though I barely know the truth of, and haven't even spoken to in weeks.

But I would like to think, that this is maybe how Jonathan feels in regards to me. At least, thinking this is what keeps me from still being totally pissed and hurt. And maybe because I know he would never dedicate this song to me on HIS blog, I will dedicate this song to me, from him, on mine.

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

I Will Try To Understand...

2009-04-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won’t feel so afraid
I will try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me
Maybe you don’t
Either you will or you won’t
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way

- Wilco, "Either Way"

What the hell do I want? That seems like the golden question lately.

First, I'll recap the past few days, because I know everyone always cares about every single detail of my life. Right.

Anyway, on Sunday, Missy and I went to the baseball game. It was just the two of us, so it was a fun opportunity for us to talk and catch up alone without Joe or Rusty there like usual. We talked about, of course, boys and relationships, but it was a good convo.

The game was so much fun! The Reno Aces lost to the Salt Lake City Bees (Seriously, Reno? You lost to the Bees. THE BEES! Do better!), which was really sad. The game itself actually sucked...we went at least four straight innings without a single run, and there were tons of errors, but I guess you can't expect that much from minor league. But it was fun to watch, and Missy and I had beer and hotdogs (well, she had a pulled pork sandwich), so it was a good time. We both got sunburned, which is ridiculous and unfair to me, seeing as how I'm black, but whatever. Good times. I’m still looking forward to going to many, many more games.

After the game, we went over to Missy's house and had a barbecue with Rusty, Blake and Molly. Joe came over too, and we ate a bunch of kabobs and corn on the cob. We ate outside in the backyard, and it just felt so summery. And then as the sun went down, Blake went and got his guitar and we had a sing-a-long...so much fun! Just reinforces the fun that will be had this summer when I move into the Valley House, as Rusty also plays guitar, and I can already see many a evening spent in the den or the backyard, with everyone over, having a beer, smoking some hookah, and singing along with the guitar. Ah, so happy about that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Work was work. After that, I ended up hanging out with Wolf and Deidre who wanted to talk to me about their respective weekends and crises. It was a fun hang out though- we had coffee and went to the marina and talked. Almost immediately after I got done hanging out with them, Joe called so I went over to his house to talk until midnight about random stuff, which was fun.

It really does feel like summer...I'm so over April, and May, too, for that matter. Bring on summer. It's as hot as summer, anyway.

In other news, this week should be fun. Thursday night I'm going to Pub 'n Subs with the Missy group (As I will now classify that group of friends, which generally consists of Missy, Rusty, Becca- when she's not in England-, Flo- when he's not with his girlfriend, Anna- lately, Blake and Molly, Alex S. and possibly Brandon, this guy Missy wants to hook me up with, and occasionally Joe and other random friends of Rusty/guys on the mining team (ooooh yeah! See, my miner infatuation has not passed!)) for cheap beer and hot wings.

Friday is the opening night of Joseph's play that he's putting on at Sparks High, so I'm going to that with pretty much all of my friends. Afterwards, we'll probably go to Ceol's or someone's house for some beers or something. Also, I've become very aware of how much I drink on the weekends. It's not out of control, but it is quite funny to me that lately I end up boozing all weekend. Ah well, I'm 21, what the hell else am I supposed to do on weekends?

Saturday in the morning I have my therapy session. After that I'll probably hang out with someone random, but in the night I have three offers and I'm not sure which I'll do. Joe S wants to take me to dinner, and Marcy wants me to go bowling with our coworkers. Then my regular group of friends all want to go to the drive-in, so I have no clue what I'll do...I'm still deciding.

Sunday, Joe and I made tentative plans to drive to the Animal Ark to visit Wolf at work, since neither of us has ever been and it sounds like a fun mini-field trip to take.

So, fun week ahead. Yet, I'm still feeling sort of melancholy.

I don't know. I'm just very irritated in general. I talked to Mike D. tonight and I'm honestly just not feeling it right now. I think it's because I'm not feeling anything with anyone right now, really.

This guy, Chad, has become my new online admirer (I swear, in the past nine months, I almost always have one…wtf?!), and even though I've basically told him, "Look, I met my ex on Twitter, and I'm not really interested in meeting anymore strangers online, and certainly not on Twitter, and dating them" he has still been persistent in talking to me and trying to get me to text him.

And it's sweet and flattering, though he has NO reason to like me, as he knows nothing about me besides the 140 character Tweets I post (and at least Jonathan and I didn't start to like each other until AFTER we chatted and started texting- or at least, I didn't develop feelings for him until after that). But it doesn't matter right now; I don't think...I'm just feeling so completely jaded and annoyed with all men.

Mike keeps hinting that he likes me and well, flat out told me tonight about some very interesting things and how hot he thinks I am, but that just pissed me off too. Honestly, he's a 26 year old man. If he can’t stop dicking around and get to the point after five years, then I don't want to be with him. Like Bill and I discussed a few weeks ago- if you want to pursue a guy, then fine. But keep in mind that if he's not going to step up initially, he probably never will. And I don't want some man that's not going to be a real man. I understand being shy, but if I’m worth it, he'd get over it. Shit, even Jonathan was upfront about his feelings and intentions. Mike should do the same or just cut it out. Or, actually, I'll cut it out for him.

It sounds so harsh, I know, but I really am just feeling pissed off about everything regarding relationships right now. I'm not in the mood for some more bullshit, because I've had enough of it.

And I still don't know what the hell I want. I was trying to explain it to Alex White tonight, but I still don't know. I don't want a hookup. I could easily have that with some random guy in town, and apparently I could easily have that with Mike as well. But, uh, I don't do hookups. Never have, probably never will. Casual sex is not really in my vocabulary, and I'm proud of that and would like to keep it that way.

And then you know, I still don't think I want a hardcore relationship either. Only if it's good and with a great guy. Which I see no prospects of right now, except possibly Mark, but oh yeah, he lives in Sacramento AND NOT HERE.

I would honestly just like this...someone who lives in Reno, whom I can have fun with. And once I move out, we can hang out and spend time together and he can come and cuddle with me at night. That sounds great to me. If it developed to something more, fantastic, but otherwise, it can stay totally casual (but exclusive, because I'm not someone that's going to "hang out" with multiple guys at one time, and I like being the only one. I don't share.)

And I don't know even know if such a thing can fucking exist for my personality or for anyone else’s, but that's what I want at the moment.

That, or for some terrific guy who won't lie to me or turn out to be gay or have racist parents, or some other fucked up bullshit, to come along and sweep me off my feet.

Otherwise, no. No, I don't want to come to Suisun and hook up with you, or have sex with you, or even make out with you, because it's taken you five years to even barely admit that you have feelings for me and that makes me think you're a fucking pansy and I don't want to date you anymore. And no, no I will not text you, Twitter guy, because I don't want a long distance relationship that's more than two hours away (and I don't even want those either), and you don't even know me, nor do I know you and right now I don't really feel like trying to find out anything about you, because it feels pointless. And no, no, I will not hook up with the random guys that hit on me in town because I don't want to have casual sex with strangers, because hello, I'm not my ex-roommate *cough cough* and I would very much like to keep the number of guys I've had sex with in the very small single digits. Also, no, no Denis Hof, I will not join the Bunny Ranch (can't believe I haven't told this story yet), even though you followed me on Twitter and then sent me an @ reply asking me to send you pictures and make sure I’m 18. What the fuck is up with my life right now?

FML. That's what. FML.

Everything Will Be Fine, Everything, In No Time At All....

2009-04-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

- Jason Mraz feat. James Morrison, "Details in the Fabric"

It's been a few days, I know. I hated that I left things so depressing with my last post- I can only say it was a rough night, and I was feeling lower than I had in few weeks. Sometimes, especially lately, I'm tempted to go back and erase the posts that are pure, raw emotion. But then I remember that 1) It's a part of my life, and just like I can't erase my life or my memories, I shouldn't erase my blog posts, because the feeling behind them is still real and 2) While MY blog may be a "a catalogue of kissing and telling" it also DOES serve a greater purpose as well (okay, so I don't have TONS of proof of that, but I like to think that it does in my “heart-soul” (thank you, Hamlet 2, for that term)), and like I said before, if by me "broadcasting the dramatic goings on of my life for the whole world to see" helps one person who ever felt the same way, then fantastic- it was all worth it. Besides, what the hell else is a blog for if you never get ballsy, or personal, or flat-out embarrassing? I might as well just keep writing in my private journal if I want to hide everything and pretend like I’ve got it all together and have all the answers.

Anywho, I haven't updated in a few days because it's been a crazy (albeit awesome, but more on that soon) week. Spring break brought lots of random hanging out with people- it's almost seemed like summer, in the way that the days seemed longer, with endless hours and endless opportunities to spend time with friends.

Wednesday, I did something I never thought I would do, which is go to a therapy session. Now, I will admit that I've always thought myself to be ABOVE therapy, which is stupid, I know. It's just that I'm more of a self-fixer, and I like to solve my own problems. I don’t want to pay someone to solve them for me. And I don't want to be reliant on another person to help me through every little thing.

But I've been feeling for awhile that therapy might not be a bad idea. I think I do a good job of working through my own crap, but I also would like to talk to someone about the things I can't figure out how to work through on my own. To garner some self-solving tools, if you will. And when the whole Jonathan thing happened, and my world crumbled, that pushed me further into thinking I needed to go to therapy. So I guess I should say, “Thank you, Jonathan, for helping me do something I should've done years ago and probably would've procrastinated on doing for another few years if it hadn't have been for you hurting me so badly.” I typed that with full sincerity, I swear. And okay, perhaps a pinch of bitter sarcasm.

Anyway, my therapist is really nice. His name is Chauncey. He has a very warm feeling surrounding him- like, he's the kind of person who you just want to talk to forever. I felt like calling him and saying, "Dude, you won't BELIEVE what happened today," even after the session was over.

We talked about a lot of stuff. I started with the Jonathan thing since that was most prevalent (having written that post the night before and then gone on to cry myself to sleep...ugh), but we also talked about my dad, my mom, and my own self issues.

At one point, I was describing the way I tear myself down. And how, even with the Jonathan thing, I found a way to blame myself. Chauncey looked at me and said, "I'm going to be frank with you. That's bullshit. And you need to stop it."

My kind of therapist. I really love people that will give it to you straight. Don’t waste time putting it nicely, no pussyfooting around. Chauncey is honest and direct. I like that a lot.

We ended up running out of time, which I knew would happen. My session was supposed to end at 3:50. It ended at 4:15. Chauncey kept wanting to talk and so did I, and then right before I was going to leave, I asked him how I should face the Jonathan situation (because really, I just told him what happened, he told me what he thought about Jonathan (heh), and then we veered off into another topic), and he told me he wanted to read me a story.

I loved this story and it stuck with me all week, so I'm going to do my best to type it out for you. I'll ask for a copy of it next week, so maybe I'll come back and revise it so that it's word-for-word, because it really helped me.

Imagine you own a special kitchen. And in your kitchen you can cook your favorite food, and as much of it as you want. You start to share your food with all your family and friends, and soon with everyone in the neighborhood, just because you enjoy sharing with them and making everyone happy. One day, someone knocks at your door holding a pizza. He offers you the pizza, and says, "I will let you have my pizza, but only if you agree to these terms..."

Of course, you laugh at him. You have your favorite food right there in your kitchen. You can make it whenever you want it and have how much of it you want, at any time. You tell him, "No thanks, I don't need your pizza."

But imagine that you he comes one day when your kitchen runs out of your favorite food. You are starving and the pizza looks great. And when he says, "I will let you have my pizza, but only if you agree to these terms..." you agree. His pizza is the only food you have, so you will do anything for it. You do whatever he says and you do whatever it takes to keep the pizza around. Soon, you begin to think that this pizza is special, and it's your pizza, and you never want to share it with anyone else.

Now, replace the food with love. We all have love within us, and we can share it with whomever we want. And when we realize how much love we have, when someone comes along saying, "I will give you my love, but only if you agree to these terms..." you can laugh at them and say, "No thanks, I don't need your love."

But when you're starving for love, aren't you more likely to take it, no matter what the offer is?

Again, that was just my recitation of the story, but you get the gist. I really loved it and I think about it quite often. And at the end, Chauncey looked me deep in my eyes (his eyes were a bit watery too- another endearing trait is that whenever I got emotional, his eyes began to water too. Very sweet man) and said, "Brittany, you don't need his love. Whenever you start to think about Jonathan, just say to yourself, 'I don't need your love.' Because you don't."

I started to cry.

But it was true. I don't need Jonathan's love. I have a lot of love...all around me. AND I have a lot of love within me. And one day (as Chauncey and I joked, hopefully sooner than later), I will meet the person who is worth giving that love to. But not if I have to agree to their terms, and not if I have to put up with their lies, or crap or being hurt. Not then. I have enough of my love to last until I meet someone who is worthy of it.

And as Chauncey and I discussed, it wasn't even Jonathan's love that I missed and it certainly was not him that I miss, either. It was the way he made me feel. Which was admittedly great, even if it was based around a huge lie. But someone will make me feel that way again. And it'll be even better, because it'll be real. And I can't wait for that.

So anywho, I go to therapy again on Saturday. I'm excited. It seems to be very helpful and will make me an even better person, if such a thing is possible (joking, joking...)

Besides therapy and hanging out, I spent the rest of the week house-sitting for a new family. It was nice to get some extra money, and the pets were pretty good, except for the cats.

This weekend has been AWESOME. Missy's mom and dad, Kati and Randy, came to town, so Joe and I hung out with them pretty much all weekend. Friday night, the Henrys took me, Missy, Joe, Rusty, and Missy's roommates, Blake and Molly, all out for dinner at this pizza place called the Blind Onion. It was delicious, plus we got to drink lots of beer. After that we went to Ceol's and played darts and drank some more.

Today we all went downtown for the wine walk and then went to dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant (very good!). It's always fun hanging out with Missy, and her parents are great (they have a very bad habit of treating us all to everything...extremely nice, but I'm sure it’s not nice on the wallet!). They're going back to Rocklin tomorrow, but Missy and I are going to the Reno Aces baseball game tomorrow. Reno just got its own baseball team and stadium, so it's like THE thing to do in town this weekend. It'll be a nice end to the weekend/spring break.

On top of all that, looks like I'll have a place to stay soon. Well, long story short, Wednesday night after hanging out with Chris (and oh Lord, there's a story to tell there...not regarding me, but Chris' "boyfriend"...I'll save it for another post), I came home and my mom and I got into a huge fight. I'm so done with it...fighting with her over the same shit, her making me feel like shit, and it's basically all just shitty. Like I said the last time we fought, I'm ready to just keep the peace until I can get the hell out.

I wanted to live on my own, as we all know. And I still will, but honestly, I don’t have the financial stability for it now. But, it turns out that Rusty's roommate, Anna is moving out in June and they need a new roommate, aka...me!

I'm pretty excited about this. First of all, I need a place to live and the rent at Rusty's house is cheap (and I don't even have to pay utilities), plus it's in a good location and just a few minutes away from all my friends and next door to Corazon, even. Second, I love that house. As I talked about before, that house just reminds me of...summer. Even in the winter. Which really just means that the house reminds me of friends, and good times, and laughter and fun and it'll just be a great environment to be in.

Plus, I don't think it'll be bad living with Rusty and Ryan (Rusty's brother). I don't know Ryan very well, but I like what I do know of him, plus he pretty much keeps to himself. And my room will be at the front of the house, so I can always do my own thing.

I remember before I met Rusty, Joe told me he'd be hard to become friends with. The first time Rusty and I met, we seemed to click. I'm not going to say we're best friends, mostly because Rusty is EXTREMELY quiet, but we seem to have some unspoken bond. I can't really explain it either, but Rusty is always someone that I feel comforted around. Like, I remember when I was really upset over Jonathan part deux (for those keeping track at home, this was after he moved to LA and told me he wanted to be single), Joe asked me as I cried uncontrollably what I wanted or who I wanted to see, and for some reason I said, "I wish Rusty was here to give me a hug right now." Which, oddly, seemed like the thing that would've made everything better. Sadly, they were out of town, but what I mean is that, whenever Rusty is around I automatically feel safe and comfortable, like nothing bad could happen, or if it did, it'd be okay because Rusty can fix it. Besides, Rusty and I crack each other up, AND he likes hookah and beer as much as I do, so it'll be fun times galore.

Not to mention, the house is such a hangout place, so especially during the summer, I can have all my friends over all the time to chill. AND all of Rusty and Ryan's hot miner friends will come over (*cough cough*) which is even better!

Rusty just has to ask his dad, whom I know already loves me (I mean, hello, the Turners took me camping, and had me up at their house for a BBQ and everything), so it'll probably work out perfectly. I'm excited- it'll be a good living situation, cheap, good location, and lots of fun. What more can you ask for in a place to stay?

Tonight I went for a walk alone around the marina, after dinner and everything. I started thinking about how nice it would be to date someone again, though I honestly don’t feel completely ready for that yet. I suppose it’s just the companionship I miss, and no, I don’t think I just need to get a dog. I hate how vunerable and weak it makes me feel to say this, but I still have that overwhelming feeling that I was made for someone else.
Don’t misunderstand me here. To quote Jessica Simpson (Oh Lord, I know.), “I don’t need somebody to complete me, I complete myself.” Word. I don’t feel like I need to be “completed.” I am complete on my own. But I do feel like there is another person out there for me…my corresponding shape, so to speak. And I would like very much to find that person, and be happy with him.

And as much as I don’t really want to, I think I’m starting to like Mark more and more. I don’t want to go into details, but he’s sweet and makes me smile. Mike also called on Wednesday. I don’t want a long distance relationship. I don’t want a long distance relationship. I don’t want…

But sadly, they both live in California. I’m doomed, aren’t I?

Anyway, I should probably stop boring you all with this epic post. I need to go to bed soon so I can be refreshed for the game tomorrow- my head hurts from too much wine, and I still have that cold. No tonsillitis, by the way. False alarm, I guess. Boo.

This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday...

2009-04-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

This will all make perfect sense someday
There’s got to be a reason for the rain

I don't understand the numbers
But my faith is in the math
And the odds are all this pain will even out in the end
And we'll look back and laugh

And to all the hearts I’ve broken
And the ones that once broke mine
I’ve got suspicions all will be forgive in time
All you gotta do is call them up and say:

This will all make perfect sense someday

- John Mayer, "This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday"

...at least, I hope it will. I hate the emotional rollercoaster that is my life right now.

But first, let it be said that Santa Cruz was AWESOME yesterday. The three of us had such a blast...we started the day off super early (after I got no sleep, of course) and went straight to The Mystery Spot, which was really fun, and I got picked for a volunteer multiple times, which was also way fun, because I'm a ham and love attention. After that, we went to a surfing museum and then to two beaches and had fun exploring and taking lots of pictures. We ended the day at the Boardwalk and overall it was just a great, super fun day, with lots and lots of laughs and goofiness and it was totally what I've needed.

I was exhausted when I got home last night so I pretty much got straight in bed. I didn't fall asleep until midnight, I think, but I got some of the best sleep EVER last night.

But anyway, I don't really want to talk about all that. I don't really want to talk about anything. I'm feeling worse than I have in more than a week.

And I know that it's a wonderful world, but I can't feel it right now. And I thought that I was doing well, but I just wanna cry now...

Pretty much sums it up. I can't help but wonder how, just how, can someone just discard you and move on so easily. And it’s not even the moving on- that's not the part that hurts, because I can move on easily too, if someone was right here and so willing and ready to fulfill those kinds of needs for me. And yes, people are, but whatever, that's not the point...

The point is, how do you just stop caring for someone so completely so quickly? I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I can't just stop caring about someone. Even if I know they don't care about me. Even if it's so blatantly honest that they don't give a fuck, and possibly never really did (but I don’t' think he's that good of an actor, or is he? Shit, I don't know)...just how can you just pretend like someone doesn't exist and never did?

It hurts me more than anything else. Because I wish I could do the same. I wish I could just stop wondering, and stop caring, and forget. And I wish I could not think about anything anymore, because all it does is hurt me, really. And I'm tired of feeling hurt, I really am.

As much as I know I'm putting salt in my own wound, I can't stop it. And sometimes I just wish...

...well, I wish everything was different.

Spring Break, Bitches!

2009-04-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

We've been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from

- Phantom Planet, "California"

I should probably be sleeping, but you know, it's me...so I'm never doing the appropriate thing.

This weekend has been pretty fun. Let's see- Friday I got done with work and was so stoked because Spring Break was officially beginning- yay! Joe and I met up and then went over to Michelle and Justin's new and ridiculously overpriced apartment to hang for a bit, have some pizza, and then we went with Michelle to grab a few drinks. Saturday I also spent with Joseph- first I went over in the early afternoon to my former high school to help him put together props for a play he's helping to put on there. Then we went and smoked hookah (of course), and then parted ways. Today was Easter, and it was probably one of the most un-Easter-Easters I've ever had.

I thought about going to church but then I decided against it. Before bed I said a prayer (a very sleepy one, keep in mind), that just consisted of, "Thank You, Jesus, for being my best friend." This morning I got up and hung out with my mom and then my friend, Donald, called me and asked if he could take me out to sushi.

It was odd, because it was a date...which is just...I don't know. Donald and I have actually gone out on a few dates, and they are always pretty fun, but I'm always either on the verge of dating someone else (literally, every time we’ve gone on a date, I ended up dating someone for real like a few weeks later), and then he dated Olivia for a whole year, so there's that. I think he was hinting towards his "feelings" for me today, but I don't really think I'm interested in him in that way. I mean, I enjoy hanging with him, but we just have very different views on dating. Like, Donald thinks that he and Olivia went too far when they were dating because they made out. Which, I don't really agree with, I mean, come on. Plus, I don't know...I'm just not feeling it much.

But it was still nice. It was nice to go out with a guy that's not one of my best friends or "diamonds in my tiaras" (which is what all my gay bff's call themselves now- including Chris. "Brittany, we're just the diamonds in your tiara." I love it), and sadly, it's always nice to have a free lunch. See, now that just makes me sound like an ass. I swear I'm not one. Even Donald said I'm the ideal girl to date. So there.

After that I ended up going to Joe's house and we played the Wii with his dad and his cousin. I kept joking with Joe's mom that if they buy a bigger house, I'm totally going to move in and live for free like Joe was planning on. It could work. Then, Joe and I started planning our Spring Break trip.

It took us FOREVER because neither of us have a lot of money. And then neither of us want to drive super far, and I didn’t really want to stay overnight anywhere. And then Joe's laptop got a virus on it, and it was just full of fail. Finally, I texted Deidre and asked her where we should go. She suggested Santa Cruz, which was our original plan. Then I remembered that Deidre has Mondays off, and then the three of us made an awesome plan to all drive down to Santa Cruz tomorrow.

I'm so stoked- I think it's going to be a fun trip! Joe and I picked all sorts of cool tourist-y places to go spend the day, and it'll be fun for the three of us to go on a road trip again, since it's been a few years. We were all bummed that Corazon couldn't join us, because you know, she's the fourth quadrant of the "Schnack Pack Gang", but she'll be there in spirit, of course.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about dating. I don't know if I'm so much ready to date, admittedly; my heart is still semi-broken, and I do (God, I know this is dumb, but hell, I'm not going to lie about my feelings) miss Jonathan- at least the good, non-lied about parts of him. If those parts weren't lies too. But, I digress.

I don't want to move on too fast, and it's still that dilemma of wanting an actual boyfriend versus a hookup/rebound/casual dating situation. And then, at the same time, I think about other people and how they are instantly "in love" with someone else so I figure I wouldn't be moving on much faster than anyone else.

The problem is, I don't have that many prospects...well, here in town at least. I mean, there's Mike, of course. And that's just a whole separate thing. But now I've been sorta talking to this guy I went to high school with in Sacramento, named Mark, and well, nothing is really happening so far (we just talk a lot online, which is how things started with you-know-who…), but I kinda like him and I could see us dating, but he lives in Sacramento. Which is only two hours away, but still.

I don't want another long distance relationship. I'm sure whoever I date this time won't cheat on me or anything, but it's still just sucky. I'd rather have a normal relationship with someone right in town. So it's just about finding that. And besides Donald, someone else has actually asked me on a date recently, but...well, all my friends would hate me forever if I dated him, so I don't know. Actually this guy kind of gets on my nerves too, so it might not be a good idea.

I think I'm just going to put out a message to all of my friends that I'm single and want to be hooked up with someone. I'm leaning towards some of Rusty and Missy's friends, because all of them are cute and pretty funny, plus there is something really sexy about miners. I just love the way they drill those holes.

Everything I Touch Turns To Gold...

2009-04-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

Be careful what you hope and you pray for
You know you only get what you pay for
And I can hear the ticking of timebombs
The clock strikes
It's midnight
For poor Cinderella

- Aqualung, "Cinderella"

So I think I have tonsillitis. I'm actually a bit happy about this fact, and secretly hoping that I do. Not because spring break starts tomorrow at 3:30 and I want to be sick during my break, but mostly because my tonsil have needed to be taken out for like, three years, so I'm hoping that this will finally be the thing that pushes them over the edge and I can get them removed once and for all.

I've had a sore throat for a few days now, but it's gotten worse and worse with each day and today I felt absolutely horrible. Lauren asked to look at my tonsils at work and she was like, "OH GOD!" when I opened my mouth- they look pretty gnarly. I must be the only person in the world who would get excited about having a medical problem.

The past two days have been a lot better. Yesterday I woke up feeling fresh and invigorated (despite the tonsils), and ultimately very happy about the decision I had made the night before. Work wasn't the best, but I went out for happy hour drinks with the coworkers and Bill and Kim again, which was very fun. Marcy ended up drinking a bit too much, which was amusing, but Lauren took her home and I followed behind in her car.

Today was a lot easier at work. And despite a minor setback (an unexpected one, at that- I totally didn't see it coming), I have remained firm in my decision and I'm doing so much better. It's awesome to make up your mind about something and then stick to it.

Now I'm mostly looking forward to tomorrow ending. Work shouldn't be so bad- Marcy's making her famous chili and I think we've all resigned to popping in a movie- the week has been that crazy. But after work, depending on how I'm feeling I'll go get my tonsils looked at, and then I think I'm in the mood for a night out. Joe and I will be kicking off our spring break, so I'm stoked to think that I don't have to work for twelve days straight.

Hallelujah. I've deserved it :)

Friend Like You Part Two...

2009-04-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

When I had no one to call
All the world had shut me down
I showed up at your door so blue
Thank God I had a friend like you

- Joshua Radin, "Friend Like You"

So, Joe S. happened to e-mail me on Facebook tonight. He doesn't have much of the low-down on the Jonathan situation- he knew we broke up, that I was upset, and that was about it. I told him the gist of it on Friday night, but the club was loud and we were both drunk, so who the hell knows what I said or if he even understood it all.

Anyway, he asked me how I was doing, and I told him the truth. It's such a rollercoaster. And I don't understand why and how Jonathan seems to expect me to just be over it already or whatever, because even though he's moved on and forgotten about everything, I can't. I'm trying, but it's really hard. So I told Joe the story again and that I was feeling really sad, and crying, in fact, and basically ended it with, "I hate my life."

Joe's reply made me cry more. But for good reasons. I'm going to share it, only because it moved me so, and since this blog has so many reasons lately for me look back at my entries and just cry (which is what actually started the crying earlier), I'd like to have a reason on it for me to look back and smile:

You do not hate your life! Even though we go through things like this, they can only make us a stronger person. God puts us in these situations to help us grow and discover ourselves.

Unfortunately, Mr. Shock does not know how to be or act like a proper adult. He most likely feels really sorry because he led you on when, if it's true, he was harboring feelings for this Kristen girl. It seems this young lad is quite confused and tried to play to many fields at one time and got all mixed up. Major class DB, as I'm concerned, as probably most of your friends think also.

It's very hard to move on, especially after this guy played you like that. But you are a very very strong woman and very kind hearted and wonderful. You are one of the best friends I have ever met, not to mention one of the best girls I have ever met! You don't need some dumb guys approval or love or appreciation.

If he can't see what a mess he is and what a mess he's made everyone else's life than that's going to be his loss. He will come to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting you go and will regret it the rest of his life.

Stay strong because that's the kind of person you are! Don't let this guy ruin your life! He is, what 800ish miles away? Screw him, he's a child, playing mind games. Let him keep his drama in Seattle.

Enjoy your life. You have a purpose far greater and far more important than to let someone ruin it so much. Remember you are an amazing person and you don't need his approval or love because you have so much more approval and love from your friends and family.

God loves you!

Your Mom loves you!

Your friends love you!

And I love you!

As The Beatles once said...."all you need is love." And your life is filled with an abundance of love that will never stop flowing. One day you will find your Knight in shining armor that will whisk you away and love you more than ever!

Once again, and with passion, I will say I am beyond blessed to have amazing, loving people in my life. I think that alone shows me what kind of person I am. I have attracted some of the most amazing, loving, kind, fiercely loyal people that I think I've ever known. So what must that say about me?

His loss.

End Of My Days...

2009-04-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

I know it's a little bit strange
It's all a little bit strange

At the end of a day
Well I'm gonna say what I mean
Well I'm
At the end of a day
Well I'm gonna say what I mean

Slipping all away
It's slipping all away
It's slipping all away, now

- Howie Day, "End Of Our Days"

I couldn't, for the life of me, sleep last night. This is nothing abnormal- if you know me, you're also acquainted with my daily dose of insomnia. It's not unusual to find me online at 3 am on a work day- you can text me at 4 in the morning, and chances are, I'll still be awake.

My mind was just racing last night- about everything and nothing at the same time, and every time I tried to "turn off" my thoughts, it only lasted for a few seconds before I started thinking again. I really wish they could invent a way to turn off your mind at night...that would be awesome. Then, when I finally did fall asleep, I had a nine minute nightmare around 4:30 (yes, I timed it- only because I know the last time I looked at the clock before falling asleep was at 4:19) that was basically one of the most horrifying dreams I've had, because all it consisted of was me admitting a bunch of truths that I don't face in my daily life...and ugh...just horrible.

There are things I've dealt with before that I tend to bury, and in my dream, I was a little kid, openly admitting them to some random person. I know exactly why I had the dream, and perhaps I'll explain why in a few weeks, but it was still really scary, especially since all the things I rattled out are stuff that I tend to bury deep in my subconscious. Creepy the way the mind works, eh?

Anyway, I finally fell asleep around five and then woke up for work feeling HORRIBLE. I've had a little sore throat/cough for a few days now, but it flared up completely today, and my mom is sick as well. I called in to work, which I relatively hate doing, more so because Marcy (the head teacher in the classroom) decides to text me all day asking if I'm going to come in or if I'm really sick, even though I quite clearly am- hence the fact that I am not at work. It's really annoying and shouldn't even be happening- I mean, really? If I called in sick, then I'm sick. I'm lying in bed, sleeping. Stop texting me.

I did end up sleeping most of the day, and then I went to the pharmacy and got some medicine. After that, Deidre posted a Tweet about wanting company to go with her to the Nevada Humane Society. Since her cat, Shasta, died a few weeks ago, she's been missing a feline companion, so I went with her and Jenna to go find a new cat. Deidre's sister, Deisa, works there as well, so it was a fun afternoon looking at cats, and laughing at some of the slightly unfortunate ones (see my Twitter for pictures- I'm really too lazy to include them here right now, sorry).

Deidre ended up picking Frisky, a very cute tabby cat that looks a lot like her (with the red “hair” and all). He's super friendly and adorable, and an overall good choice, I'd say.

I was making everyone laugh at the adoption center, because I was saying how they should make an adoption center for abandoned boyfriends. It can be the same as the pet one- they'll just put these guys in cages where you can see them, with a little paper attached to the front of the cage, describing all their "stats".

"Ryan is 23 years old, and a really friendly guy. He loves being outdoors, and would love a great camping companion in the summer and a fellow snowboarding enthusiast during those cold winter months. Ryan is currently a full-time student at UNR, with a major in Engineering.

Ryan was abandoned by his girlfriend after she realized that he was afraid of commitment. But he's working on it! He's a loyal, trustworthy guy, and loves to cuddle!"

Of course, this may be a little demeaning to the men, but really, if your girlfriend dumps you, she probably had good reason, and you deserve to be in a boyfriend pound. Deisa pointed out that some guys might never get "adopted" because their info would say that they got dumped because they cheated on their girlfriends or were abusive, but I pointed right back out that it's the same as the cats that got abandoned for scratching their owners or the cats that just ran away. Someone might decide that they want a "kitty-in-progress", so to speak, just like some people date guys who are in repair as well. Works for everyone involved, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Afterwards, Deidre and I parted ways, and then Joseph and I ended up grabbing coffee to talk. Mostly, I had to update him on the latest in the Jonathan saga. Yesterday, after I got the note, and before I crawled back in bed to cry, I e-mailed him to thank him for the note and DVD. He didn't reply till today, to say that he didn't want me talking to him or pretending like I cared when he was receiving 25+ texts from random people telling him that he sucks.

Uhm...what?

I was pretty surprised by this too, especially since he was accusing me of doing it. As I pointed out to him, I haven't texted him since the day before, and that was to say thank you, and before that...well, the text wasn't so nice, but it wasn't telling him he sucks, per se.

Suddenly, the wheels clicked in my head and I remembered when I went out the other night with Joe G. and Wolf and how I had left my phone at the bar with them when I went to talk to Chris and Joe S. Obviously they had taken Jonathan's number from my phone, and since my friends are extremely loyal...well, put two and two together.

Of course, I didn't tell anyone to do this- as I said to Jonathan, "Do you really think I'm the kind of person that would do something like that?" I mean, yes I'm very angry. And yes, I've done some mean, petty things and said some mean, petty things as well. But really? Really? I didn't tell my friends to text him mean things- they did that on their own accord. I can't help it if my friends are all protective of me. They always have been and always will be. Moral of the story is be nice to me, or my friends will apparently spam your phone and...*ahem*...leave your number unattended for their students to text you as well...(that's where the 25+ texts came from, I found out later).

Anyway, of course I told everyone to stop. I mean, I understand where they're coming from, and like I said the other day, my friends are still completely furious. Jenna, who I'm not even close friends with, was super angry when she heard the story from Deidre, and was telling me today about some guy she dated that messed her up similarly, and how she empathizes with me and hates Jonathan just out of loyalty.

But, I don't know...as I said, I'm calling it quits. I don't really have the energy to be mean anymore, and in fact, it's hurting me too, so I'm just stopping it. I'm sure Jonathan will appreciate that as well.

In other news, back to work tomorrow. My head is pounding and I can't stop hacking, but I promised Marcy I'd go in no matter what. I think it's funny that no one can handle my kid when I'm not there. Actually, it's more sad than funny, because I really wonder what they'll all do next year when I'm gone. I just keep telling myself it's not really my problem. It's my life...I've gotta live it, right?

Still, I've been thinking a lot lately about our individual actions and what kind of effect they have on other people. At the end of the day, it really is our life that matters- our individual life. And when it comes down to it, you've got to make the choices that will ultimately make you happy. Because no one else has to live your life but you. No one else has to go to bed thinking of the decisions you've made, or didn't make. And so, yes, your own happiness is ultimately important. But, at what cost?

At what point do you say, "Okay, I am making myself happy, but I'm hurting everyone else around me"? At what point do you stop making choices based solely on you and start making choices based on what you want and what will also benefit (or, at least, not hurt) the people you care about? Because to me, I won't be happy if my "happiness" hurts everyone I love. And if you don't love anyone, if you don't love anyone enough to not care about hurting them, then are you truly happy?

A life without love is no life at all.

I Wanted To Be Leading Lady...

2009-04-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

- "The Holiday"

Erase...

2009-04-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the pain won't go away
You might as well put your finger on the trigger

Erase my love
I bet you can't Erase my touch
You're trying to replace
A figure without a name
With somebody else's face in your head

Erase ...

- Mika, "Erase"

I got my Garden State DVD back today. Jonathan enclosed it in a note. He also blocked me from his blogs. I've had a rough day at work. The note was nice. The blog blockage was hurtful. I feel sorta numb. I think I'm going to get into bed and cry.

An Addendum...

2009-04-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

"If two past lovers can still remain friends, they were either never in love, or still are."

I will never regret the experience, I just regret how it ended.

I'm Ready Now...

2009-04-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

- Kings of Leon, "Use Somebody"

I am not a mean person. I'm sure no one will believe me after the past few posts, but honestly, I'm not. In fact, when I woke up this morning and discovered Jonathan deleted me from his Twitter I was, you know, a little sad. Mostly because I deserved it, and yeah, I already deleted him from mine a few days ago, but it was still sad. Like when he stopped following my blog, I felt an odd sense of sadness as well. All ties are cut now.

And it's funny, because my friends are like, "He deserves everything! He deserves any mean words you say or anything mean you write about him." And he does. It's not like I even have to make shit up, I'm just writing the truth. What does my header say? "This is my truth. This is my life." I'm just staying consistent.

Still, I know it's not exactly nice, what I am doing. I know it's not exactly nice to let my friends say mean things about Jonathan either, even though it makes me laugh when they do. And yes, he deserves everything, because he made his own bed and now he should lie in it. But truth is- I loved him at one point. And even though I'm not in love with him now, I still care about him and love him as a person. Well, unless he lied about the kind of person he is too. But I don't really think he did.

I don't know. It's all confusing. I miss the good parts. Even if they were surrounded with lies. I guess this is all typical post-breakup feelings. It sucks. Sometimes my phone lights up and I hope it's Jonathan- even if it’s to say, "You fucking bitch, why are you still blogging about me? Now Kristin knows I'm lying to her too!" But that never happens, so I've just gotta move on, I suppose. It'll happen.

Don't get me wrong- there is no way I want to be with Jonathan at this point. On Wednesday, after he sent me the text, I said, "I don't think I can know you anymore." And it's true. I don't really feel like I can know him right now. Maybe one day in the far future, when I understand his choices better, and he understands how hurtful they all were. But I guess I just miss what we had. And that's that.

And, Jonathan, if you are reading this...I'm sorry to hurt you. Even though you don't seem to feel so bad about how you hurt me, whenever I think that some of the things I've written or Tweeted about could've really hurt you, that makes me sad, and I am sorry. Like you kept saying, that was never my intention, either.

See, I’m not a mean person. In fact, I'm too nice. It's a bittersweet downfall.

Anyway, this weekend has been pretty fun. Friday night, Wolf and Joe came and got me and we went to Ceols for some beers. Everyone wanted to hang out with me on Friday, so the night was pretty much all about me, which I can't complain about. After Ceols, we went to Se7en and Chris was there with a bunch of our mutual friends, and my former roommate, Joe Solis, and we all hung out for a while. Chris bought me a drink, and Joe S. and I got to talk, so it was pretty fun. I ran into a bunch of random people at Se7en that night, too, which is always a good time. After that, Wolf, Joe and I went to our old standby, Five Star, and danced for awhile, until, pathetically enough, I started to feel sad and decided I needed to go home and cry in the privacy of my own bedroom. The best part about Five Star, though, was that this random Lesbian couple kept telling me I was beautiful and hot, which was really sweet and nice to hear after the kind of shiteous week I've had.

Saturday started off pretty bad. I woke up after having a million nightmares about Jonathan and then I felt like just getting back in bed and crying, so that's basically what I did. I woke up around five (after going back to bed at noon) to the sound of Chris calling because he felt like I was doing badly, which I was. We talked for a while, and then my mom and I had dinner. Later in the evening, I hung out with the Schnack Pack Gang (aka Deidre, Corazon and Joe G.) which was fun, as usual. Lots of random laughs, and hookah equals a good time for all. Joe and I hung out a little longer, and then I headed home.

I haven't done much of anything today, which is fine by me. I'm feeling extremely unmotivated and lazy, even though my room is a disaster, and I really should do something about it. I have one more week 'til Spring Break which is uber exciting. Joe and I are going on our traditional road trip, though we have no idea where this time. I suggested Suisun, but he still doesn't want to go there (ha, inside joke).

We might go to California anyway, though, to do some wine tasting. I'm not sure what the plans are, but I'm sure we'll have fun. This time last year we were heading up to Seattle. I'm not so sure I'd want to do that again this year, given the circumstances. I know it’s dumb, but I feel like the whole city is tainted for me now. It’s the same way with my Garden State DVD. I’m sure when I get it in the mail (Jonathan alleged sent it already), I’m going to put in the case and never watch it again, because now all my memories (of my favorite movie, mind you), have been tainted with all the bad parts of the Jonathan situation. Or, even the good parts, because now when I’ll watch it, I’ll remember how the last time I watched it, it was with Jonathan. Ugh.

Deidre and I are texting each other (of course) and she just wrote, regarding my post-Jonathan sadness, "For all the lies and shit, it's hard to ignore the parts that made you really happy :("

And that's it, exactly. I mean, I can't look back and deny that Jonathan didn't make me really happy. And I can't say that he didn't care about me, because he did. I guess even telling me about Kristin and stuff is proof of that, because he totally could've kept me hanging on and lied to me, had he not cared at all. And in a fucked up way, even all his lies were told to keep me around, because he wanted me, or to protect me from the shit he was doing. It's all crazy and fucked, I know, but it is what it is. And anyway, when things were good, I was REALLY happy. It was undeniable. I miss that. That's what I wish wasn't gone.

But as I texted back to Deidre, "I'm trying not to think too much about it and just hope that there is someone else to make me happy, without all the lies and shit."

Good goal to have, eh?

I think this is all good, though. I feel like I’m just going through the typical stages of moving on. I went though denial, initially- unable to see that it was over, when it was so blatantly, completely over. I went through the anger stage, when he could’ve died and I honestly wouldn’t have felt a single bit of sadness at the thought of it. I’ve been in the sadness stage for the past few days- not exactly wishing things were different, but at the same time, wishing that they were. Now, I’m heading into the reflection stage, I suppose- I’ll be able to see the good and the bad at face value, see what I lost and what I gained from this experience. And finally, I’ll hit the neutrality stage, when it’ll just be so easy to not think about Jonathan except as just another human being in the world …and that’ll be that.

It’s so planned out perfectly…if only I could get there sooner than later.

Everyone Can See Who You Are...

2009-04-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone can see who you are
Take a look at yourself
Tell me why keep on denying...

- Spice Girls, "Denying"

It's like every time I hear more and more about the Jonathan story, the worse and worse I feel, seeing as how everything between us was pretty much one big, fat, ongoing lie.

Perhaps not all of it. Maybe his feelings were genuine. Some of my friends have been telling me that they must've been- otherwise he wouldn't have lied about dating Jeannie, whom he had been seeing since SEPTEMBER, aka the whole time I've known him. He pursued me like he was single- how was I supposed to know? And honestly, if I had known, I wouldn't have talked to him in that way. I'm no boyfriend-stealer. So, yes, I suppose I should take his feelings as being genuine since he risked ruining everything with his girlfriend there in town to talk to me and try to be with me.

But, then there's the fact that he continued to sleep with Jeannie AFTER we met in San Francisco and told me repeatedly that he was abstinent and wasn't looking for anyone else.

"I wasn't even trying to have sex with you at first, remember?" he said one night after I asked him if it had all been about having sex with me. True, but he realized at some point that I WOULD have sex with him, yet kept lying to me, because I think we both know that if I knew he was sleeping with Jeannie basically up until the day I flew to Seattle, it wouldn't have happened. At all.

And then there's the fact that after I left Seattle, he went right back to Jeannie, like nothing mattered- like I never mattered. I can see realizing a mistake; I can see realizing that things weren't what you thought they were. But, first of all, shit, couldn't you have waited a few weeks before hooking right back up with her? Also, could you not have kept lying to me the whole time too? And how is Jeannie (well, was) supposed to feel after you basically dumped her to be with me, and then when it didn't go all magically as you wanted it to go (I still don't know what the hell happened, but I just count it as a blessing for me to NOT be stuck with Jonathan), you just go back to her as a second choice? After she'd been putting up with your shit for MONTHS? Fucked up, I say.

And let's not even get started on Kristin. Welcome to my blog, by the way. I find it so incredible that I have three people from Seattle reading my blog on an almost daily basis now- all with three different IP addresses. Thank you, internet for letting me able to spy right back on everyone that chooses to spy on me.

But, yes, Kristin. So, let me tell you something, lovely- you're getting played. You love Jonathan, we all know. Shit, I knew just from the few times (oh, and the times were so very few) that he mentioned you- and your expensive gifts that you bought him. And the way that you'd jump when he'd ask you to, and the puppy dog eyes you had for him, and the way you looked at me like you wanted me to fucking die right there on the sidewalk in Seattle. In fact, while we were lying in bed after the first time we had sex (or was it the second?), I remember us laughing and me saying, "Kristin is SO in love with you." And Jonathan saying how weird things are between you guys in that way. He never mentioned being in love with you, ever. Of course he didn't, when he was with Jeannie, or me or everyone else but you. Because, you know, you were there all along, but he was never with YOU. He only "loved" you when he needed a place to stay. Funny, isn't it?
I mean, Jeannie said the same thing. How when they first got together, Jonathan and Kristin had been sleeping around and she asked him to stop if they were going to be sleeping together and Jonathan gave it up so easily. Just like, "Ah, oh well." I don't know how I'd be able to give up my one true love so easily...I mean, if Jonathan had really been in love with you, Kristin, wouldn't he have been with you this whole time? And sure, I bet you're thinking that he probably just had to figure it out. But I don't really think Jonathan has a hard time figuring things out- the same way he figured out he was going to cheat on Jeannie to be with me, or the same way he figured out he was going to lie to me the whole time, or the same way he figured out he "loved" you when shit got bad with Jeannie and he knew he couldn't live there anymore.

And if you're completely stupid, you're probably reading this, Kristin, thinking that I'm saying all this because I'm jealous, or because I want Jonathan back or because I have some evil, maniacal plan to break you up. Nah. I'm just telling you the truth, because Jonathan sure as hell won't. So keep reading my blog, and I hope you realize what's going on here, before you get made an ass of like Jeannie and I did, except worse, because someone is TELLING you everything you need to know about the "man" you think you love...and you are just refusing to see it. Have fun with all that.

Now, I'm going out to have fun and not think about douche bags and blog-stalkers. Later, bbs.

The Day After...

2009-04-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late

- OneRepublic, "Apologize (Remix)"

I know that I used the most clichéd break up song ever, but it's still fitting. Plus, this is my blog, so I'll do whatever the hell I want ;)

Today was actually a pretty awesome day. If you haven't seen the comment Deidre left on my blog yesterday, I suggest you all read it now because it's fucking badass and sums up the majority of feelings that all of my friends have re: Jonathan.

I'm feeling less and less sad as the hours go by- in fact, my sadness that I felt yesterday (which was obviously not reflected in my blog, but more so in the fact that I pretty much collapsed into tears at work and had to take a thirty minute break) has morphed into full-on anger. I mean, what the fuck? How dare someone treat me like shit- anyone for that matter- least of all, someone I was loving and kind towards for the whole duration of our acquaintance? I mean, seriously? What the fuck.

When I talked to Mike last night, the first thing he said was, "Why'd he even tell you about that bullshit?" (In regards to Jonathan leaving Jeannie and how he’s already living with Kristin because he’s “in love” with her) and you know, I'm wondering that too.

I mean, really, Jonathan, what'd you expect me to say? "Hey, so I know I spent all this time liking you and then loving you, and then getting fucked by you, both literally and figuratively, but hey, good luck with Kristin! Who you certainly weren't in love with a month ago, or even two weeks ago, or, oh wait- two days ago when you were still talking about your 'feelings' for me. And hey, that's really nice what you're doing to Jeannie- you know, the person you dumped for me, allegedly, and then went back to mooch off of. That's so sweet of you to just up and dump her for Kristin- even though, you know if you WERE in love with Kristin, wouldn’t you have just gone straight back to Seattle and been with her from the start? Or you know, just been with her to begin with? But, nevermind, you’re just staying ‘true to your heart’, because in the end, it’s your own ‘happiness that matters’. Right! Good luck with life and all that jazz! You're a swell guy! Call me up when Kristin gets tired of her shit, or when you're not content enough with her, or whatever the fuck your excuse will be and then you can TOTALLY move to Reno and mooch of me until you find someone to cheat with, because you can't be trusted and you've lied about pretty much everything. Can't wait for that! Love you lots! xoxo."

I mean, really? Seriously? Ugh.

But, you know, today I had a few awesome moments of triumph. You can't really expect to hurt women and think they'll just move on and not be pissed as fuck, can you? Hell hath no fury, you know...

Anyway, besides the douche, today was great. Work was a lot better, and all my coworkers, particularly Marcy and Lauren have really been super supportive and there for me. After work we went and grabbed drinks at happy hour and had a good time. I met this guy who is a friend of Marcy's named Bill (who is 36 and married, by the way, so no, not a "potential") and he was really cool. I was telling him the whole douchecake story, as well as the recent developments I discovered today, and the whole time he was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP DICK! WHAT THE FUCK!" The best part about it all, though, is that whenever I have to tell the story, I never have to fabricate. It's always the basic facts- the outline that I laid out yesterday, even, and people always come to the same conclusion. "What a fucking loser! Be glad you're done with him. He's fucked up." Check, check, check.

When I got ready to leave (Lauren and I drove together) Bill gave us both hugs, but he held me tighter and for longer and said, "Okay, Brittany, the next time I hang out with you, I don't want to hear you talking about any loser guy. You're way too beautiful, and smart and funny for that bullshit. I want to hear a story about some guy that's going crazy over YOU, 'cause that's what you deserve."

After I hung out with the coworkers, I went to meet Deidre and Corazon at the University to see a free showing of Slumdog Millionaire. Deidre and I just went and saw it two weeks ago, but it was free and I wanted to see my bffs, so of course I went. It was fun, and nice to see my girls. Deidre and I totally had a gush fest earlier- she texted me after reading my "Friend Like You" blog and said it really touched her, and I actually started crying when reading the latter half of her comment on yesterday's blog. 'Tis nice to be surrounded by people who love you and are NOT douchebags.

Hmm, I wonder how many times I've used the word "douche" in this post? Not nearly enough, I presume.

Last night, after I spent half of the evening talking to my mom about Jonathan and venting, and ranting, and crying, I went for a drive by myself. As I mentioned above, Mike called me (he had randomly texted me during the day actually, saying, "Did you finally take my advice and send that loser packing?" and then I responded (as it was after the blowup) "Oh, Mike...have I got a story for you.") and I told him the whole Jonathan story.

Mike seemed just as angry as he had been the first times, and made me assure him that I was completely done with Jonathan. Which, of course, I absolutely am. Then he went into sympathy mode, which was really sweet, and tried to convince me that none of it was my fault (funny, how the brain works. I seriously started thinking it was my fault, somehow. Of course not.), and that I was just too trusting with people and fell too fast. We discussed different ways of revenge (joking of course...or are we?), and then the conversation fell into a cute territory when Mike said again, "I can't believe that you flew all the way to Seattle to visit that fucked up loser, and you've never even driven to Suisun to see me. And I've known you for five years, Britt. It's driving distance! Two hours."

I giggled and said I wasn't sure if he wanted me to just come visit him, and he got very quiet and said in the cutest voice, "I do."

It was sweet. All of it was very sweet. The way he kept making me laugh about dumb stuff so that I'd stay distracted, and just...everything which is typical Mike. I don't know. I don't even want to go there, though.

As I said the other night, I don't want Mike to be a rebound. I do think we'd be great together, and I do have feelings for him. And I care for him a lot. And I don't want him to be my rebound from Jonathan. So if anything does happen between us, I want it to go really slow.

"Cause don't you know, there is a reason strong moves slow…"

True that, John Mayer.

I was telling my mom about the Mike situation last night and she said I was just scared. I think she's right. It's not that I'm afraid of Mike. I know he wouldn't hurt me. He's always been my protector- he wouldn't treat me like shit, I know him through and through and I know he's a good guy and wouldn't dump someone via note and move all his shit out while- oh, whoops...sorry, had a douche flashback, my bad.

Anyway, I know he's a good guy. I know we would be happy. But that scares me too. And because we are so close, and I've known him for so long, I am afraid of messing that up. And moreso, I'm just feeling kinda jaded about relationships at the moment. It won't last forever, but right now I'm feeling like I just want to be alone.

Because as I said when I was driving home yesterday, "I know there's only one person in the world that won't break my heart, and that's me."

So sad, but true. So yeah...I don't know what to think about Mike. I was reading through our text history today and it made me so sad, because I can see even more clearly now how much he's liked me and how much he's tried, but I was so blinded by visions of douchebags that I totally ignored it. I mean, I knew then, but I basically just chose Jonathan instead. And now, well, I sorta regret that. I don't regret all of it, of course, but I do regret pushing Mike to the side. But you know, everything happens for a reason. And I believe that with all my heart.

So now it's just waiting to see what those reasons are.

Done With Broken People...

2009-04-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you?
Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me?
How could you do somebody like that?
You know that I'm never coming back.

- Limp Bizkit, "Boiler"

You know, last night I was talking to Chris about a situation he is in and I was telling him how hard it is to love someone who is broken. Because no matter what you do, you get your heart broken too.

I wish I had've listened to my own advice.

There is tons more I'm going to say about this, and tons more I'll probably write about, because I really don't give a fuck about not hurting Jonathan's feelings anymore, as he obviously didn't give a fuck about not hurting mine.

Let's look at the basic outline here...in the past month, he has broken things off with me three (count 'em...THREE) times for the various reasons:

1) Because he wasn't sure how he felt about me after Seattle and was "not the man" I fell in love with.
2) Because he wanted to stay single down in LA and focus on the fucked up plans that he didn't focus on BEFORE he left ("He still can't transfer to an Outback!"- bwahaha, thanks Joe G.)
3) Because he realized that he still has feelings for his ex in Seattle, Jeannie, and had no place to live, and (as he said) it was easy to just go back and live with her and rekindle things.

THEN...today he tells me that he's breaking things off with Jeannie (whom he has only been together with/mooched off of for a week, mind you) because he realized that he is in love with his friend Kristin and is already living with her. Kristin, who he told me he never dated because they had a "weird" vibe and he didn't like it.

There's more I could say- like how he told me that Jeannie meant nothing to him except a hookup and a convient place to stay. Or how he had no feelings for Kristin, despite the fact that he uses her car all the time, or the fact that she buys him hookahs for Christmas and digital cameras for his birthday. Or the fact that he told me I was someone special and he cared about me (only on Saturday, mind you).

But you know, there's no point in saying all that stuff, because he lied to me like he lied to them and is lying to himself.

Jonathan- you are a fucked up person. And you always will be until you figure out just how fucked up you are and fix it. You were so right when you told me that you would fuck things up. I thought you were just being endearing and neurotic, but you were right. Thank you, though, for teaching me a lot about life and myself. And you know what? When I find someone worth my love, I'll know just how amazing I CAN be and how much love I have to give.

I would wish you good luck, but I don't. In the words of Lily Allen, "Fuck you, fuck you very, very much."

Kthanxbai.

I Might Bend, But I Won't Break...

2009-04-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

I'm confusing as hell.
I'm north and I'm south.
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you.
And I promise I'll try,
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me.
Every single detail you missed with your eyes.
Then maybe...

One day, we'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely, every little bit.
Oh yeah maybe, maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then.

I don't want to be tough,
And I don't wanna be proud.
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found.
I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved.
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop cause I believe that maybe yeah maybe...

I should know better than to touch, the fire twice. But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might. Maybe, love, maybe.

- Kelly Clarkson, "Maybe"

Tonight's moment of clarity is brought to you by way of a random late night drive around my neighborhood, with the windows rolled down, listening to music I first started listening to three years ago.

The past few days have been pretty bad. Work has been very stressful- the child I'm working with must have started a new medicine (and we'll never know, but that's another story), or something, because he has been completely off the wall lately. I'm dreading our field trip on Friday, because he's been a terror at school- my arms have bruises on them and I have my bites on my hand from today and yesterday.

I've pretty much decided to quit though. Today and yesterday, despite how bad they were, have actually been blessings in disguise in the way that they reminded me of all the complaints I had with my job back in the winter, and how none of that has really changed and probably won't. As I told Marcy (the teacher in the classroom), "Working with this family is really like being married, and I don't want that in what should be a work relationship. I don't want to think that quitting is going to be like a divorce. No one else has this kind of relationship with the child they work with, and I don't want it either. It's too stressful and too much on my plate."

And it's true. I would like to just do my job at work. I don't want to get calls from the child's parent when I've already had a hard day, and I don't want to talk about strategies to make the next day better, especially when the parents aren't active participants in any of it anyway. One of the most frustrating things about working with any child with Autism (and I've worked with several) is doing all the work you do with them at school, or during tutoring sessions, and then leaving for the day, only to have the parents let all of your hard work go right out the window. And that's the situation I'm in now. His mom expects me to be a miracle worker, which, hell, honestly I have been. Especially compared to his last aide. But, at the same time, she doesn't put in nearly enough effort at home to keep everything going, and then when something goes wrong- when we have a bad day, or when I'm frustrated, she acts as though it's the end of the world and we have to start from scratch. It's all very frustrating and stressful. As much as I love my job (and I do love my job), there are some days when I think about working behind a quiet desk and I just smile. I would like to have that. I think I deserve it at this point.

Anyway, the work situation has gotten me all stressed out. Plus, I haven't gotten paid in three weeks because the school district misfiled all of our checks, so I'm very broke. Still waiting on my tax return, but that's going straight to savings so I can move out. Which is also, you know, still stressful. My mom has been better lately, but she's still not taking to the idea of me moving well. Too bad. I'm determined now. I've gotta move out, and it's gotta be soon. I don't want to spend any part of the summer living at home- so my goal is to find a place and move within the next month and a half.

I can do it. I know that I can do everything I need to do. This morning, I woke up and I remembered that I am pretty strong, even though it definitely doesn’t feel like it right now. I can deal with whatever life is throwing at me- I have before and I will again. It just sucks when everything piles up on you at once.

But as I was driving around tonight, I had that feeling I had a few weeks ago- just how everything goes in circles and how life has hit a low point, but it won't be that way for long, because it never does. I’ve hit tons of low points in my life. One of the reasons I’m SO grateful for writing in my diary every night is that I can always look back and reminisce, which I’ve been doing a lot lately. And there were several times over the years when I felt exactly as I do lately- that life is horrible, not going to get better, and I can’t handle it all. But, there was always something that happened to make it better, or some way that I personally overcame the situation. And as I did it before, I will do it again. Nothing is forever. Christina and I were talking today and she said something about feeling change in the air. And you know, I feel it too.

I'm just going to try and stay focused on my plans, and stay as positive as I can. It's a daily struggle, but I can do it. And I finally just gave that other situation up to God. Honestly. I think it's something that will happen. But I can't keep thinking about it until it does, because that's killing me too. So I just said, "Alright, God...I'm giving it to You. Help me be strong and step back and let You work things out, because I know You will." There is no doubt in my mind that things will work out, actually, but I'm not going to spend any more time thinking about, or talking about it, or stressing over it, because neither of those things have helped thus far and will only continue to make things worse for both of us, I'm sure.

As Paramore sings, "Somehow, everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it fall faster everyday..."

I Still Care For You

2009-03-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hear me out
Day follows day
Light turns to
clay in my hands

How to explain,
So pristine the pain
Kindness made
the cut so
clean

I still care for you

Hear me out
Wanted me to be
Less your lover
than a mirror

Can't you see
What you mean to me?
(even promises may bleed)

I still care for you

The hours grow
Heavy,
And hollow,
And cruel as a grave

Open Me
You'll find
Only bones
burned to glass.

I still care for you

- Ray LaMontagne, "I Still Care For You"

My life is never just black and white, is it? I mean, I don't know many people who's lives are, but sometimes I look at everyone else and I'm thinking, "What the fuck? How do you get to have it so clean cut and easy, and my life is always some raggedy-ass jigsaw puzzle where nothing fits completely?"

I mean, the situation I'm in right now has been a long time coming. I don't think I've ever properly mentioned Mike D. in this blog, but I suppose I should now.

Long story short, Mike and I have known each other for years- when I was seventeen years old and first got my job at In-N-Out Burger. He was my manager at the time, and he was 21. We started off just working together, but soon we'd spend a bunch of time talking when we should be working, and then flirting when we should be just talking, and all of it was sweet and completely innocent, and could never be acted on because of the fact that he was older than I was and was my manager (just going on a date could've gotten both of us fired). Plus, I was always dating someone and Mike was always there, giving me advice, or telling me when to get over some guy and move on. He was always very sweet about the latter- I remember one time (and I'll never forget this), I was feeling upset about some stupid boy situation and we were in the office together talking and Mike said, "Brittany come here. Seriously, I want you to know that I think you are an intelligent, amazing woman- young woman- and Logan and Justin and all those guys are there are just idiots not to know it. And I know that one day you're going to find the person that's right for you- just wait and see.” (And thanks to my meticulous updating of my diary over the years, I had that quote saved word for word and at my easy disposal).

I think we have always liked each other. It wasn’t really a secret at work either. But, like I said, nothing happened because of the aforementioned situations. Then, to make things even more impossible, Mike moved away about two years ago, to Suisun, California to go and take care of his sick dad. I was devastated, of course, because not only was Mike my favorite manager, but he was also a really good friend. And at that point, we'd known each other two and a half years, or whatever, and I couldn't imagine not seeing him every day, and talking about our respective love lives, and crying with him and laughing with him, or whatever.

When Mike moved, we lost contact for about a year. He came back to visit our INO a few times and we always hugged and said hi, but it was no big thing. Soon, I got wrapped up in the rest of my life, and I kinda let Mike go. Not entirely- I'd think of him from time to time, and remember funny things he'd said, or the way he'd always tease me at work, or all the times someone would catch us flirting in the office, but I didn't really dwell on it much. Then, last February, I randomly started thinking of Mike all the time. I didn't have his number anymore, so I tracked him down through some mutual friends and called him up.

It was crazy, talking to him after such a long time again, but we immediately picked up where we left off- no awkwardness, nothing like that. It was like it had been when he lived in Reno, except we were both adults now, and I had changed so much since then. Mike knew me when I was still very young and naive, much different than the person I am as an adult in many ways. I remember him being so shocked that I had tried pot before, or details of my relationship with Chris (I remember when I told him Chris was gay, and Mike said, “Dude, no wonder he never tried to have sex with you! No other guy would date you for that long and not try!”), or that I get drunk, or when Austin and I had our fling and then lived together (Mike was like, "What the hell? What happened to the good little Christian girl I used to know?"), but the funny thing is despite all these changes, we still very much mesh as we used to- and now, even more so.

Anyway, all last summer Mike and I talked on the phone and all through the fall as well. It's odd because we would be good together in so many ways, and I think we both realize that. But I've always been weary about long distance relationships (even more so now), and I don't think Mike would be the best boyfriend for such things anyway- he's always busy, working two jobs (one of which is a firefighter) and he's like a technology-phobe and wouldn't want to come online and chat or anything. He doesn't even own a Facebook or MySpace or anything.

So we've just been talking as friends this whole time. Until recently, when things have gotten odd. I mean, Mike knows about the whole Jonathan situation. In fact, I remember he called me the night before I went to San Francisco to meet Jonathan the first time and I told Mike the whole story. His reaction was really odd...it was like, stilted, fake happiness and then the conversation ended with, "Well, if it sucks and it's awkward, call me in the morning. And if he breaks your heart, I'll break his face." (Which cracks me up, because Mike has always threatened violence on any guy I've dated. He definitely has the whole "big brother" act down perfectly, should we ever decide to forfeit on the romantic aspect of things between us).

And then when things got bad recently, Mike has been more persistently calling me and texting me. I mean, we do talk quite often- a few times a month, usually, but this month we've talked every other day- with Mike texting me or calling me. It's been pretty amusing- like the first night we talked after I got back from Seattle, Mike told me this long story about how there is someone he's liked for years but never got up the courage to tell her, because she's out of his league and doesn't want him.

"You should just tell her, Mike. That's dumb."

"I know. But I'm scared." End of conversation. I know I could've pushed it further and said, "I know you like me, Mike." But, I mean, here's the dilemma...

For every time Mike tells me he's hot, for every time he hints that he likes me, or asks me to come to Suisun to visit him, or all the times he texts me or the fact that he called me tonight and sent me a bunch of pictures of him in his fireman uniform and then asked me to send him pictures too, and then went on to describe in detail how he thinks I'm hot...

...for all of that, I can't just change my heart and move on to Mike. I don't know. It's so complicated. I wish I wasn't in this situation at all. And it's not like anyone is telling me to make a choice. I'm doing that on my own. But I mean, the thing is, I don't want a rebound. And if I had one, I wouldn't want to use Mike for that. Also, I don't need to find someone just to keep my bed warm. I can deal with being lonely until I can figure out how I really feel about everything. And again, if I was going to do that, I wouldn't want it to be Mike.

Because, the truth is, Mike means so much more to me than that. If I really think about it, I've liked him for five years and vice versa. I don't know what that means. I know I still like him now, I know a part of my heart will always and forever belong to him. But it's not that easy either. Because I don't want the long distance thing, and I don't know...there’s just so much history between us now. And who's to say we even have romantic chemistry in person? Though a big part of me is curious to find out. I can't deny that the idea of being with Mike in that way isn't slightly appealing, if not only for the fact that it was since the first day we met when I was 17.

I was reading my diary and my entries about Mike D. that I wrote, and this was from last May. It was actually about Mike and Austin- Mike was heavily in the picture then, but Austin and I were talking too.

Do I take what's here, what might not be the best scenario because it's easier and more comfortable? Or do I fall into scary, albeit core shaking, possibly perfect territory?

And now the situation is the same, but not on my end. Yet it still somehow involves Mike, which is just eerie to me.

Anyway, all of it is more than I really want to deal with at the moment, honestly. And I know I said I was going to be stoic, but hell, that's hard for me to do and I feel like my head and heart will explode if I don't vent about this somewhere.

I mean, what do you do? What do I do, I mean? My heart and my mind are telling me two different things. And I don’t expect any of you reading this to understand my feelings, one of you in particular, least of all, because hell, I don’t even know what I feel.

I’ll just end it on this, which is undoubtedly how I feel on a daily basis, and probably how Mike feels, and fuuuuck.

But for now, let me say - without hope or agenda- to me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you.

FML.

Let It Be Me

2009-03-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

There may come a time, a time in everyone’s life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right

There may come a time, you just can’t seem to find your way
For every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
That’s when you need someone, someone that you can call.

And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can’t go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it’s a friend that you need
Let it be me

- Ray LaMontagne, "Let It Be Me"

(I didn’t realize it as I posted them, but these lyrics are like the companion piece to the lyrics I posted last time. So I’m glad to have friends like the ones I have, and I’d also like to be the same kind of friend to the people I love, as well. :))

Yesterday was such a nice day. It seriously felt like summer, first off, which was nice. I can’t wait for summer. I woke up in the morning, and started thinking about how much I missed last summer, and even Tweeted about what parts of last summer I missed. And then I called up Joe and decided that we should have a nice summer-esque day, so I put on some shorts, and some sneakers and a t-shirt and we went over to the Disc Golf field by the University and played a round.

I really sucked at Disc Golf, but that’s okay. Joe was laughing because he said I still managed to look wonderful as I sucked, which seems to be the basic rule at everything I suck at (like bowling, which Kat said I sucked at because my technique was too “cute”), which I guess I’ll take. I mean, it could be worse- I could absolutely suck and then look horrible while I sucked, so as vain as it is, I’ll take being cute and sucking. We were also laughing because there was this group of three guys playing behind us and they kept clapping for me when I’d totally fail and laughing when I’d get all exasperated when my Frisbee went in the wrong direction and I’d throw my hands up and say, “Aww, fuck!” Joe was pretty convinced they were all flirting with me, which was sweet.

After that, Joe and I both decided we really wanted a beer and chips and salsa, so we ended up going to this cute little Mexican restaurant in downtown Sparks (aka Victorian Square) called Cantina Los Tres Hombres. We actually ended up getting a pitcher of strawberry margarita and splitting it between the two of us, as well as having a Corona and lime (yummm), so we were pretty soused, and all before five o’clock. It just reminded me of the days when we’d do the Beer Crawl or the Wine Walk downtown; it’s always an extra-summery feeling to be completely tossed in the daytime. Anyway, then we called up Wolf and he met us there for a margarita and some chips and salsa.

Then the three of us headed to Rusty’s house, and we spent part of the afternoon hanging out with him and Missy, and Rusty’s parents, whom I just love. We ended up talking about how we all went camping last summer, which I had just been reminiscing about in the morning, and Rusty’s parents invited me to come camping again this summer, which I cannot wait for. Rusty’s family is the best to go camping with, because they’re really laid back and we always have a bunch of fun with them. Rusty’s dad was laughing hysterically at my proposed plan to be a hippie all through the month of July, and all of us were saying that we should go to burning man together this year if we can afford it. I’d totally be up for it. For each part of me that is reserved or timid and shy, there is an equal side of me that is absolutely crazy, not afraid of doing things, and adventuresome (or as I summed it up while I was drunk yesterday, “I never say no. To ANYTHING.” Take that at face value though, please).

Rusty’s parents left, and then the five of us all went down to Rusty’s den and chilled- listened to some music, and then Missy and I cuddled up on the couch (because we had headaches- mine was probably from drinking too much on an almost empty stomach), and watched Rusty and Joe play darts. Then, Joe, Wolf and I left and headed back to Joe’s house to watch Hamlet 2 (again- I love that movie. So funny), and then we dropped Wolf off and went home.

It just felt like such a summer day, though. The night especially- hanging around Rusty’s den, drinking, listening to music (we should’ve broken out the hookah, but we did that the night before anyway), and talking- all of it is so typical summer for me now.

Sometimes I think about stuff like that…like, I generally think if I moved I would easily be able to make new friends and find new places and people to fill up my life. But you know, some things are just irreplaceable. And I don’t know how good I’d feel about a summer that didn’t include hanging out in Rusty’s den, or a summer that didn’t include going to the Wine Walk or the Beer Crawl, or a summer that didn’t begin with all of my friends piling up in a bunch of cars and heading down to Tahoe for the day. Or several nights at Art Dogs, smoking hookah. Or long days spent going to random coffee shops and then meeting at someone’s house to cook dinner and watch movies (that was my Friday).

Again, I know I’d make new friends and with it, new memories and new rituals. And I really am eager for that- sometimes I feel so suffocated by Reno and how much of it I’ve already explored. I’m eager for fresh faces and new blood, which is probably why I was so fascinated with Wolf off the bat. I’m ready to meet a bunch of new people and fit into their lives for a while.

But still, I will miss summers in Reno. This will probably be my last. Makes me sad, but it has to happen eventually, right? I guess the only thing I can do is soak it up while I can. Make it the best summer ever.

Anyway, on another note, I go back to real life tomorrow. Our classroom is back on track (which just means we’re back being in school on the regular M-F schedule), which also means no more four day weekends. I’m actually a bit happy for that, because for the most part, every weekend has been kinda lame. Most of my friends still had to work on Friday and Monday, so I’d have to wait until 5 to hang out with anyone anyway, and then there was that whole heartbroken mess for about every weekend since I’ve been off track so, you know, that sucked too. Now that I think about it, I haven’t had just a full, completely awesome weekend since the weekend I was in Seattle. That blows.

I’ll be glad to go back on track, in a way, if only for the fact that work always centers me and I feel like I definitely need to be centered right now. The other night I was hanging out with everyone and I had a random song lyric pop up in my head from the Once soundtrack- “A part of me has died, and won’t return…”, and it really just encompasses how I feel about myself and life right now.

I think it’s true. A part of me has died, and I don’t think I could do anything to change that or get that part of me back. I don’t really know how to explain that, but I know it’s true. I feel a lot different than I felt a month ago. But overall, I do feel stronger as a person. I think I learned a lot about myself in the last month, which I’m always eager to do.

Joe and I were talking about some of our friends the other night, and how at 21 or 22, they are still unsure of who they are. I went through that stage too, but it was about three years ago. It was incredibly frustrating- how the hell are you supposed to figure out anything else in life if you don’t even know who you are? I wouldn’t go back there for anything in the world, but it’s a part of life.

It seems that some people sort of float through life never really figuring out who they are, which is frustrating for me to watch. It is a hard thing to look at yourself and figure out everything about who you are as a person. You find things you hate, you find things you have to change, things you can’t change. But you find things that you didn’t realize you have either- things you like, strengths you didn’t know you posses. It’s a continuing cycle- you’re always evolving, always learning about yourself (well, if you are the kind of person who grows, that is), but it’s well worth it.

Even when I absolutely loathe myself, when I think I’m a fucking idiot, when I just feel like giving up and Thelma and Lousing-it (as Wolf and I have dubbed it), that feeling usually goes away and a few days later I remember who I am, and I’m never really ashamed of that. Flaws and all. At least I know who I am.

I wish I could help everyone else figure it out too. But I guess it’s something you have to do for yourself. I know it was something I had to do for myself. I mean, there have been people that helped me get to that part in my life where I started to realize that I’d have to figure out who I am, that I’d have to make myself. But it was a lonely process.

It’s a lot to think about. But, I think I’m just going to stop thinking about it- at least in the aspect of other people’s lives. I can only do what someone will let me, I can only do what someone will let me, I can only do what someone will let me…that’s what I’ve gotta keep telling myself.

Meanwhile, I’ll be trying to focus on my own self. I have been thinking more and more about how happy I will be when I can move out and get my own little apartment. It doesn’t have to be anything fabulous, just something with a lot of windows, because I love light. And preferably a balcony, because I want to get up in the mornings and drink coffee on the balcony, and have friends over in the summer and drink wine outside at night. Thinking about it makes me so excited and it’s been long overdue- living with roommates was hellish, and didn’t give me the exact freedom and independence that I really feel I need to thrive as a person.

I don’t know if I can live with someone else ever again, other than a boyfriend. And even then, he’d have to understand that when I disappear into my room for three hours, it’s because I’m writing- not because I’m mad or because I’m sad, and no, I don’t want you to come check on me- I just want to be alone and I want to focus. And I like to play my music loud, and I like to stay up until 4 am, and I love to leave the blinds open even at night, and no, I don’t care if the neighbors can see inside the house. I don’t know, I’m a weird person. I’m probably somewhat weird to live with (though, admittedly, my roommates never had any complaints about me. I always was respectful and did the cleaning- especially with Joe S. and Theresa. The only thing any of them ever complained about is that I would always be gone and that I didn’t hang out enough with them at home, which is really because it got to the point with living with all of my roommates where I didn’t ever want to BE home, so I’d always be gone with other people), which is why I really just want to live alone if I can, or with someone who is equally weird, or at least understanding of my eccentricies.

But, anywho, I’m really just going to try and save money, so I can move out by May/June. Can’t wait. That’s my main focus. That, and back to the gym. I think working, and gyming, and saying, and hanging out with friends should keep me pretty preoccupied for the time being, no?

Here’s hoping.

Friend Like You

2009-03-28T02:24:00.000-07:00

When I had no one to call
All the world had shut me down
I showed up at your door so blue
Thank God I had a friend like you

Many times I've gone without a home a meal
A pair of shoes, if you had three you'd give me two
There ain't no other friend like you

- Joshua Radin, "Friend Like You"

I am immensely blessed by having wonderful people surround me. I realized this a few weeks ago, but I seem to be realizing the fact more and more. The worse I get, the more I fall, the harder it is, the more someone comes to my aide to try and help, to pick me back up, to make it easier.

I don't think I could've gotten through the last two weeks without Deidre. I remember the night that everything first went downhill (there were two separate occasions...lovely, isn't it?) and I was feeling so desolate and broken and empty...and I posted a Tweet about not wanting to wake up in the morning, and not knowing why I should.

Deidre automatically Tweeted back, even though she was driving home from Sacramento and it was four in the morning, and said, "You should get up, because I love you. And I'm driving back home. To you."

I remember reading that and crying harder than I had already been crying. And Deidre held to that. She texted me through daylight, she offered to come and get me way in the middle of nowhere (I was still housesitting then; this seems all so long ago now) and take me to Starbucks. But, she didn't just stop there. Deidre kept on being there for me- persistently texting me several times a day to see how I was doing, talking to me, listening to me talk about the same things over and over again, and never once getting annoyed or tired of it.

And this week, when I've had to do it all over again, she's still been there. Deidre has had her own rough patch this week- she had to put her cat, Shasta, asleep, which was very hard for her. But now we've been leaning on each other- texting to check on the other throughout the day.

The most remarkable thing about Deidre, and why I say I wouldn't have made it through the past two weeks without her, is because I know she really means it when she texts me and says, "Are you doing okay, Miss Brown? Do you need anything?" I know she's not just doing it because she's expected- and I know that when I text back and say, "I'm doing really bad." I just won't get the obligatory text back saying, "I'm sorry. I hope you feel better." I know she'll either talk me out of it, or come and get me, and be with me- listen to me, give me advice, hold me when I'm crying. I don't know about you, but there aren't that many friendships like that.

And then, there is Joseph. My best friend in the entire world. I have eerily not leaned on him much this week, because I knew he was busy, and shit, as I've started to say to people who ask what's wrong, "Look, I'm living it and I don't even want to hear about it anymore. I'm sure you don't want to hear the next 30 minute piece to this saga, so I'll just tell you it's shitty and let's leave it at that."

So, I texted him simply on Monday and said, "Hey, if you don't hear from me it's because I'm not doing okay right now. I'll be taking care of myself, don't worry." And left it at that.

As I mentioned above, Deidre has been my support, and I've been doing pretty good at keeping up a brave face all week anyway. I've had plenty of distractions to keep me occupied- real life stresses, figuring things out, spurts of joy and happiness, lots of DVDs I haven't seen yet that I've rediscovered on my DVD rack, random hang outs with friends, etc.

But today, Joe and I hung out (with Wolf in tow, though it was mostly a Brittany/Joe moment), and I was extremely touched and also a bit saddened when Joe admitted why he hadn't been actively reaching out either. This isn't like it was last time when he hadn't because I haven't really needed him this time around, per se. But he explained that he knew I was doing bad but had distanced himself, because- as he said through tears- it was too hard for him.

"It hurts me to see you like this, Brittany," he said in the car. "I can't see you so broken down and hurt. I've been crying about it because I can't do anything to help you. I don't know what to do, or what to say to make it better. And I can't just watch you be broken like this."

We cried together. I understand what he meant. I hate seeing anyone I love in pain, particularly when I know I can't help them. Particularly when it's someone I love as much as I love Joe, and quite obviously, vice versa.

Then, when the tears ended, Joe quickly took a similar stance that my mom has with the situation- he skipped right past sympathy, or confusion, or advice and went to anger. Well, my mom has been angry with me, which I won't even BOTHER getting in to, but Joseph wasn't.

And then, the whole thing got even heavier when I said through loud sobs, "I hate to bring this up in front of Wolf, because this is so personal to us. But Joe, do you remember when we were first friends? And we had that talk in my parking lot about how you were broken and had all those walls up? And I told you that I didn't care, that I wanted to break your walls down and I wanted to help you fix yourself? What if I had just walked away? I can't even imagine it- I can't even imagine walking away from you just because you were broken. What if I had given up on you? I would've been walking away from someone I love more than anyone else. I can't give up because someone is broken. I can't just walk away. I won't do that. I can't."

And we cried some more.

Chris cried last night too. When I told him everything, and how I felt. Chris, who doesn't cry all the time, started to cry right there at the sushi bar for me, and I hadn’t even been crying that time. Is my broken heart so heartbreaking that it just breaks everyone else’s too? I don't know. But anyway, Chris held me so tight last night when we said goodbye. And when I got home he sent me a text telling me that he's here for me always and that he loves me very much. But I already knew that.

Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm surrounded by strong people, who love me strongly. I used to be under the impression that people who depended on other people were weak. I went though half of my teenage years never opening up to anyone because I thought I didn't really need that level of closeness with people. But I realized that I do. People need people (didn't Barbara Streisand sing a song about that or something?). And someone who says they don't is lying to you. Or themselves. One or the other.

What would I do without these people in my life? What would I do if I didn't have Deidre to talk to- if I didn't know that I could text her at three am and say, "I have been crying all night" and that she'd talk me through the tears, or even drive up to my house and get me and take me for a morning drive? What would I do if I didn't have Joe- if I hadn't stuck around through his "broken" spots until he was a strong enough person to love me completely, something he never thought he'd be able to feel for anyone (which reminds me- Joe and I need to talk again, but this time it’s going to be about him. I just realized something good that he hasn’t realized about himself yet)? What would I do if I didn't have Joe to cry with me, or for me, or about me? What would I do if I didn't have Chris to hug me until I can't breathe? If I didn't have Chris to text me when I get home and tell me that he's there for me and loves me?

I don't know. I don't want to know. I hope I never have to know.

Love, Actually...

2009-03-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around.

- "Love Actually"

Last night, I watched the movie, Love Actually, for the first time. I've actually owned it for over a year (got it on sale on Black Friday...I can never pass up brand new DVDs for $3- even if I've never seen the movie), but Christina suggested I watch it last night to tide off a gloomy mood.

I certainly did not think a "chick flick" about love and relationships that always go right would make me feel better; in fact, I had been staying far away from every movie that even included a romantic relationship in it for the past few days. But, surprisingly, the movie did lift my spirits.

Yes, it was a lot about relationships, and romance, and love that goes right. But it was also just about love, in general. And it made me really happy.

Like I said in that note on my Facebook (which I also mentioned in my last post), love is all around. Maybe it's not always in the forms you expect, or like the beginning of the movie states, "Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy…but it's always there."

So, all day today, I’ve really been thinking a lot about love. About how there are so many people in the world to love, and so many people in the world who probably love you. And I know this sounds really corny, and it's neither Christmas nor Valentine's Day- holidays where it's somehow more appropriate to profess love- but I feel so full of love...for everyone I know, really.

I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because my heart is so open to love and now it just feels like its overflowing. Maybe it's because my heart was just recently broken, but I'm still so able to feel love. I’m not really one to toot my own horn, but I think it’s kind of amazing that I have the ability to love so deeply and so much, even when my own heart is hurting.

So, I don't know. I feel so loving. I just want to love everyone. I want to love the child I work with, and my coworkers. I want to love my best friends, I want to love my friends I don't see that often. I want to love the people that hate me, and I think there may only be two of them in the world, but still- I want to love them too. Kill ‘em with love and kindness, I always say. I want to love Chris, who I will see tonight, and I want to love whoever he's going to love too, because I have enough love to go around for everyone :)

I want to love everyone I see. I want to love the waiter at the restaurant, and the person who I just had to speak to over the phone to get some information to file my taxes. I'm sure you're reading this thinking, "What the hell, Brittany? Lay off the drugs." But, I swear, this is how I feel.

And it's not hard to love everyone you know. I mean, I'm not saying you have to go and stop the world for your mailman and have his babies, but it's easy to be loving and kind to everyone you interact with. It's simple to make someone's day, and that's just one way of loving someone.

I've been thinking lately about romantic love too, of course, and whether or not it can be wasted. But, you know, I don't think it can be, really. Love is love. And loving someone is one of the most beautiful things you can ever do- especially if you know you gave your whole heart to that person. Even if they don't know it (I know someone reading this is going to relate. Thank you for finally telling me that story, by the way), or even if they never reciprocate it in the same way (which I have experienced with Chris), or even if they can't reciprocate it yet (hmmm), it's still never really wasted. Because loving someone else, and opening up your own self to love is absolutely beautiful and selfless, really. And I can't think of any better gift.

Speaking of loving someone, I have been meaning to do something for someone I love a lot, and I keep forgetting about it. So, even though we live miles away from each other, and I haven't seen him since January, and we don't chat nearly often enough on gTalk, this is my way of loving you today, Mr. Alex White:

I'm lucky enough to know Alex White personally, so of course I had the scoop on all of his musical endeavors over the past years. When he told me he was starting a new music project, The AP, I was pretty stoked.

The AP is made up of Alex alone, banging on his keyboard and recording songs right in his own bedroom. An organic process, indeed, but you'd never really know it from his debut EP, "Seasick Standing Up". We are treated with a polished, cohesive collection of 14 tracks- all ambient music; at times hauntingly beautiful and other times, just haunting. The overall tone of the album is quite ominous, almost similar to the cover art, but still in a gorgeous sort of way. The EP's opener, "Live Live" sets the tone for the mysteriousness of the album, and the dissonant chords that bleed throughout companion pieces, "Get Closer" and "Become Nearer", leave an almost chilled affect on the listener (both songs happen to be personal favorites of mine).

Seasick is great music to listen to while studying or reading, but I've also found it as an almost eerily perfect aide to some of my writing lately. White's talent is apparent throughout each stunning piece- how he manages to one-man it on each song simply amazes me, and I'm not just saying that because he's one of my dearest friends.

You'd be doing yourself a huge favor by picking up The AP's debut EP, "Seasick Standing Up", and the best part about it is you can download it for free, right here: http://rapidshare.com/files/204952164/The_AP.zip

Also, if you're in or around the Vegas area, be sure to check out The AP's first live performance on May 8th at the Zia Record Store on Eastern Avenue at 7pm. I might even muster up the cash and time to go down there too, so you know, not only would you be listening to some kick-ass music, but you'd also get the chance to see me in person too :)

And while you're listening the stellar music mentioned above, take a second and ask yourself who you're going to show love to today.

Well, who will it be? :)

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life...

2009-03-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

- Michael Buble, "Feeling Good"

First of all, let me say that I am classier than that ("What?", you ask? Then you don't know what I'm referring to. Pay no attention to it :)). Second, since my blog now has eyes that I definitely didn't anticipate or invite, I am choosing to take the high road and remain as stoic as I possibly can.

I mean, for me it is pretty hard to keep my feelings inside. My blog was supposed to be an outlet for my emotions, for me to be able to talk candidly about how I feel, and actually, it will remain to be such a place. Alex and I just had a conversation about emotions, and he asked me why I am so overtly public with my emotions.

I said it's because I wear my heart on my sleeves. I bleed on the outside, so to speak. And it's nothing I feel I should be ashamed of. Feelings are feelings. You can share them or not. I chose to share mine. Plus, I know a lot of times, other people can relate. And I feel like if someone can somehow relate to my feelings, it's worth it. Sometimes all it takes is to see someone that feels the same way as you have, or currently do, to make you feel better and slightly less crazy (though chances are, if you can relate completely to me, you might be on the next train to Crazyville USA. Just sayin’).

I wrote this note on Facebook last week, about how I have always prayed for love, and kept thinking that God was ignoring my prayers. And through all this mess, one of the things I learned is that God did, in fact, answer my prayers- just not in the way I thought He had. He had given me a lot of people who loved me- I just never knew. Anyway, the point of the blog was to thank all the people who had reached out to me that week, and I tagged them all in it. It wasn't anything profound- I mean, it was nicely written, but it was mostly just an open thank you note. However, my friend, Lauren, read the note to her 16 year old daughter, and her daughter started to cry.

When Lauren asked her why, she said she could just relate so much, in praying for love and thinking she had not received it, but not realizing that love had been all around her all the time. She said all this through hysterical tears.

And you know, the letter was a personal thing. Obviously Lauren's daughter, whom I don't even know personally, wasn't tagged in it. But I shared it openly, and some people wouldn't have. I'm glad I did. Because it touched Casey so much. And that's all I really want to do with my writing anyway. If one person reads this blog and says, "Hey, I can relate." or "Hey, I've had that happen to me before too!" or cries because they feel the same way that I have, then it's all been worth to me. Any pain, any tough lessons I've learned, any "overtly public" ways of displaying my emotions, is worth it.

But as I prefaced, this situation is the one exception to the case. For two separate reasons: I don't want to hurt someone I love, and I don't want to give someone else any satisfaction. Truth of the matter is, you don't know me, and you don't know the situation. If you'd like to get to know me, or the situation, you know what to do. Otherwise, you can stop lurking. You won't find anything else here :)

I will share one thing, though. Because I think it was the most poetic, heartbreakingly beautiful thing I may have ever typed out on a whim and full of emotion and pretty much tells it all:

I wish I could just delete everything. I wish I didn't have saved texts on my phone from the sweet things you've said to me and all the times you made me smile when I felt like crying. I wish I could go through my Facebook and Twitter and delete you and delete all the tweets I wrote about you but I can't.

And even worse, I wish I could delete every memory I have, and I wish I could erase the way I felt when I saw you waiting for me at the airport in Seattle, or the first night we had sex, or all the times you kissed me, or our day in San Francisco. It would be awesome if I could somehow never have to think about those things again while you're sleeping and I'm laying here in my bed, crying.

I don't want to, but it's too painful. It's too painful to think I'm not going to talk to you anymore. Or that I'm not going to see you. And you still have my Garden State DVD.

(I had to leave in the Garden State part, only because it makes me laugh every time I think about it. Typical Brittany Brown fashion. That's the only way I can explain that comment).

But, anyway, in the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Publically, at least. Maybe there will be more to say here later. Maybe not. For now, I'm keeping it all inside, where it's safe and guarded. And if you really want to know my story, I'll always share, but this isn't the right place to share certain things anymore. That saddens and disgust me, but 'tis life.

Speaking of which, I'm really excited to be starting anew- turning a new leaf, so to speak. I have a lot of goals outlined in my head right now, what I want to do in the immediate months, and how to go about them. Tomorrow I will be taking a HUGE step, and perhaps I'll talk about it here later, we'll see. Anyway, I'm just overall stoked about life at this point.

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to be excited about climbing back up to the top.

After everything that happened the other night, I said I might delete my blog. Because as I figured, I only have one active commenter/reader, and well… But then I remembered my purpose in starting this blog- first of all, to keep my writing juices flowing and second, to help other people. Because, like I said, if someone can relate to my candidly honest retellings, my scrambled musings through life, my daily struggles, my triumphs, etc- if ONE person can relate to them and get something out of it, that's made everything worth it to me. And I see you visitors, even though you don't comment. *clears throat*

Just kidding. It's okay- it's not about that. Absorb what you can. We'll learn and grow together. Love you all :)

I'll Always Be Waiting For You...

2009-03-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you, for you
I will always be waiting…

And it's you I see but you don't see me
And it's you I hear so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear
And I'll always be waiting for you

So I look in your direction
But you pay me no attention
And you know how much I need you
But you never even seen me

- Coldplay, "Shiver"

Well, I suppose I can go back to writing about life. The past few days have been pretty nice. Thursday I was happy to get off work and enjoy the day- it was in the high sixties all day so I took my book to the Marina and laid out in the sun and read. So nice! I'm definitely a person who loves the sunshine. I forget about that sometimes, particularly when I think about how much I love the rain. But the thing about the rain is that I really just find it pretty- aesthetically pleasing. The sun actually cheers me up- there is nothing like taking a walk outside on a sunny day, or driving with all the windows down and blasting some summery music. I don't know why I'm so codependent on the sun, but it's something I've come to accept. I just wonder where I can move where it's almost always sunny. Hawaii?

Anyway, Friday turned out to be a lot of fun too. I got up way early for not having to work (though I think my body is just wired to wake up at the same time now no matter what) and I tweeted about how it was sunny outside again and I really wish I had a dog to walk. Deidre, being a good friend and tweet-stalker of mine (meaning she gets all my tweets directly on her cell phone) texted me almost immediately and asked if I wanted to walk one of her dogs. I was scared to walk either of them on my own, as they are both pretty big, so she picked me up and we walked her two dogs, Capote and Lucius, down at the Marina together.

It was a really fun day, mostly because Deidre and I rarely spend one on one time together. I mean, we hang out usually with Joseph or Corazon involved, which is fine- as anyone who has read my blog knows, I frequently refer to them as my "family". But Deidre and I hardly ever get to spend time alone, so we had a good time talking about things that we normally stretch out over four pages of texts. After the dog walking, we went and had ice cream and then we went and saw Slumdog Millionaire, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

After that I came home, and it was like, the joy from hanging out with Deidre wore off and I realized how stressed out I've been all week. I mean, this is what I'm thinking about almost constantly nowadays:

- I really don't know what I'm going to do as far as my job goes. Originally, I was going to quit- you know, to move and everything, but then, that gets a whole separate bulletin. Anyway, then I started thinking, even if I stay in Reno, I can't really keep working at the school. I need to go back to school myself. Or at least do something journalism related. I mean, the truth is, I'm not getting any younger, nor am I getting any closer to my overall job goal. Working at the school has been great and I absolutely love it- it's rewarding, it's challenging, it's refreshing. But, I mean...I have no plans on working with kids or at a school in my future. So I'm kinda wasting time doing something that has nothing to do with what I actually want.

I had even gotten as far as telling the mother of the child I work with that I won't come back next year. She started crying and hyperventilating. That sucked. But things got worse this week when I got a random observation by a behavior analyst (basically, they are like, the head-honchos when it comes to working with children diagnosed with Autism). The observation went FANTASTIC, which was really nice, but horrible at the same time because now I'm really seeing how much of a difference and impact I've made on this child's life and how much more I want to help him, and I know I can't just jam it all into the last few months of this year and then leave. The behavior analyst gave me a lecture too. I told him I was going to be a journalist and he said, "What a waste! This is your gift. You need to be working with children."

I do think it's a gift I have and I love it, but it's not my desire. It's not what I want to do forever. Then the Principal came over and said how sad she’d be to lose me next year, and the whole time I kept looking over at the child I work with and thinking about how sad he gets on the days I'm sick, or how the other day I had someone else walk him out to recess while I went to the office and he started saying, "Where's Brittany? Brittany?" all the way down the hall.

And see, now I'm crying because all of this really stresses me out. I didn't think I'd get so attached, and I didn't think he would either, but now I can't really imagine just up and leaving right in the middle of his progress and after he's grown so close to me. He won't even come into the classroom peacefully unless I'm the one to walk him in. It used to go from him biting me on the arm, to him getting out the car the other morning and giving me a super tight hug, which is not typical behavior at all. When he says his prayers at night, he always prays for me. His mom says that he asks for me when he's at home.

It makes it all so tough. I know I need to move on with my life, whatever that's supposed to be. But at the same time, I wonder if my life is supposed to be working with this child right now. But I know I can't do it forever. I don't want to. There are some days when it takes way too much out of me. So maybe I'm just holding off the inevitable. I mean, it's not like I'm planning to be sitting next to him in 7th grade.

It's all so tough, because I feel like not only am I making a decision that will affect my life, but also a bunch of other people's too. The analyst said, as he looked me straight in the eyes, "You are the person meant to be working with him right now. That's obvious."

No pressure or anything though. None at all. Oy.

- I really, really am ready to move out and get my own place. I had been fine living at home for a while here- I mean, moving back initially sucked, but I got over it. But now I'm really just wanting the independence. Particularly after house-sitting for a week and seeing how nice it is to have your own space, and to leave out the dishes until you feel like doing them, and just having the freedom to come and go as you please and do what you want. It's not like my mom has a curfew for me, nor does she care when I stumble in at 4 am or when I don't come home at all for a weekend (the last time that happened she sent me a text saying, "What happened? Did you just move to Seattle already? I guess I can ship you the stuff from your room, but you'll have to pay me back." which was actually quite humorous.) but it's not the same as living alone.

I want my own space. I want my house to NOT smell like smoke, unless it came out of a hookah. I want to leave the blinds open all day and I want to put plants everywhere, and I want to put up art from the kids at school in frames, and I want to blast my music all the way from the bathroom to the kitchen. I want to leave on the lights and the heater until the electricity bill is too much and then I freak out, but I mean, the point is, I want to do what I want.

And then, recently, living with my mom has been worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She is my best friend. I talk to her about any and everything. But there are still so many fractures in our relationship, and lately I've been getting reminded of them quite frequently. I really think my mom suffers from bi-polarism, and always has, to be honest. Like the other day, for example, she asked me to give her a ride to the Medicare (or something similar, I'm honestly not sure) office after I got off work.

I willingly took her- I had nothing planned, and I knew it was a bit far out and she didn't want to drive there. Now, these offices are always packed, but she figured it'd only take like half an hour. I dropped her off and went to the store and ending up buying a book to read, so I went back to the parking lot and waited while I read the book. I don't know why she didn't make an appointment in advance, but she didn't, so she was stuck waiting in the lobby FOREVER.

It was broiling hot in my car, even with all the windows down. And then some idiot backed into my bumper and then just drove off. It left a small scratch but I was pretty irritated. Anyway, literally three hours later, my mom came huffing back to the car and slammed shut the door. I asked her what happened and she said they didn't have time to see her so they gave her an appointment for the 30th. All of this, I'm sure, could've been remedied if she had just called and made an appointment in advance, but hey- it's her choice.

I wasn't even irritated really, at first. I mean, yeah, I waited in my hot car for three hours. I was exhausted (I had only slept an hour or two the night before), and starving (hadn't eaten all day), and still had to drive all the way back to the boonies to the house I was sitting at, but I didn't mind. But what pissed me off was her attitude afterwards.

The whole car ride home was miserable- with her sighing, and complaining and cussing and taking it all out on me, like it was my fault that she's 40-something years old and can't properly handle her business. Never mind the fact that I've taken a big chunk out of my day to do a favor for you. Never mind the fact that I was still emotionally drained and tired. She didn't even care. She just kept going on and bitching and complaining and slamming my car door, and really it all just reminded me of the way she has been my whole life.

My mom has always taken stuff out on me. If she's in a bad mood, I will be shortly thereafter because she ALWAYS takes it out on me. In various ways, some of which I'd rather not mention, but she has a horrible temper and it doesn't even matter if I've had nothing to do with it- I still get the brunt of it all. And the sad part is that I had been in a good mood that day, despite everything, UNTIL I had to deal with my mom.

And the thing is, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Our relationship was honestly the best when I lived a good five miles away. I would come home once a week and watch a bunch of TV with her, and sometimes even spend the night. And then I would go home and go on with my life. We would talk on the phone very often, but I didn't have to deal with her bipolar mood swings (and I can get more into them on another post- just ridiculous, they really are) or her anger management problems.

Last week, when I was really upset, my mom told me I should see a therapist. I said no, that I didn't want to- I like to solve my own problems and I know I can. But then I think about my mom, and I think about how she's the one who really needs to see a therapist. She never has in her whole life, but she really should. And I bet she was 21 and someone told her she should but then she said, "No, I don't need to see a therapist." And look at where she is now. In her mid-40's unable to see what kind of person she really is, unable to admit that she is flawed, unable to accurately pinpoint her problems and fix them, unable to even admit her feelings or cope with them at all. So maybe I should see a therapist, as much as I'd hate to do it. Because, as much as I love and admire my mom, the last thing I'd want to do is turn out like her.

But back to moving out- the thing here is that I don't have the money for it. Living at home has been the opposite of helpful- it has been financially draining. I was doing way better when I lived at the Highlands with Joe and Theresa and I paid 490 for rent each month and paid 200 in utilities and bought gas and ate out every other day. I am living like, pay check to pay check right now, and it's because it's way too expensive to live at home.

I'm hoping my tax return will help me figure stuff out and then hopefully I can start saving to move out around June. I would love to spend my 22nd birthday in my own apartment.

- Which brings me to the third stressful thing- my overall plan for the year. As we all know, originally the plan was to move to Seattle at some point. That plan hasn't changed entirely- I'd still like to, but I don't know if now is the best time to leave my stable job with benefits, my wonderful support system of friends, and a town where I know everything and know where I can find a cheap place to live, for a city I have never lived in.

As antsy as I am to leave and move on, my logical brain is telling me to stay put. I suppose I could still research it all, see if I can get a job and a place to stay and then if it all works, move, because that's all that's really keeping me from it. I mean, I will miss all my friends, but I know I'll see them again and talk to them always.

I don't know, though. Staying in Reno for another year might not be bad. I can focus on myself and my plan and save and all that stuff and then move. And then I wouldn't have to leave the school. Gah.

- Then, you know, here I go stressing out about other people's situations. Jonathan has been the source of a lot of my outside stress lately, mainly because of his living situation in LA being horrible and him not having a job. I mean, putting aside anything else, I genuinely just worry about him as a person and someone I care for- and him being stressed out about all of it just stresses me out too. Someone told me that I should just not think about it and step back- "It's not like he lives in Reno. Just don't check up on him and don't return his texts."

Okay, first of all, it's not that easy. I can't just stop thinking about someone I care about. Especially since I know they're struggling. Second of all, I wouldn't do that anyway. I don't think I can do anything to help him, in fact, I know I can't which is more frustrating than anything, but I still like to try. And third of all, even when I'm not trying to think about it, I can still feel when something is not okay, which I know sounds crazy, but I can't deny the fact that I've had those intuitive feelings about Jonathan before and been right, or like, the other night we had said goodnight, I had gone to bed, and then woken up two hours later, feeling like something was wrong, only to check Twitter and Facebook and see that something was, in fact, wrong.

So Jonathan booked a flight back to Seattle, which I think is a good decision for him, and hopefully things will mellow out once he gets back to his old place and sees his friends and gets his old job back and stuff. I hate to think of anyone I'm close to being so upset and depressed, especially him. Especially when I'm helpless to it all. Ugh.

Then, you know, Michelle has been getting on my fucking nerves lately. I'm actually too irritated to even properly post about it, but first of all- I'm tired of her behaving like a high schooler. Lately, she's gone on this whole rant about how everyone likes me more than her. First it was Wolf. Then it was Joe. Now it's Deidre and Corazon. Apparently. But, uh...last time I checked we are not in fourth grade and we're all just friends, so whatever.

Then, when we all went out on St. Patrick's Day she spent the whole night complaining. First, she got all upset because Joe, Justin and Wolf kept (basically teasing me) saying how "cute" and "little" I am. And Michelle was all, "I wish I was cute and little. I'm just big and fat." To which I pointed out that I'm not skinny and I'm just little because I'm 5'2" and would actually rather NOT be cute and little, as cute and little is often synonymous with little furry kittens, and NOT sex kittens. A few minutes later Joe started talking about how I had actually lost weight from being so upset the week before and not eating and getting sick when I did. Which you know, is a sad thing, but Michelle found some reason (whyyyyy?) to envy it and said, "I wish I could get sick and not eat. I need to lose weight too."

So then Joe just went off on her (this is while we're all walking downtown to another club) and said, "Brittany wasn't doing it to DIET, Michelle! Her heart was broken! She couldn't eat and when she did, she couldn't keep it down. It's called getting dumped. Don't be jealous of it."

But I guess that's the thing. Is that Michelle is....jealous of me? Whyyyyy? I don't even know. I don't know why anyone would be jealous of me, really, and I don't know why she would. I mean, don't get me wrong, on my great days I do seem to believe that I am fucking awesome and I do very much like being myself and I wouldn't want to be anyone else, and not Michelle either. But all of our friends have come to this same conclusion- that she's jealous that everyone always wants to hang out with me, jealous that while we're supposed to be the same "size" I still weigh less than her and still can pull of being "cute" and "little", jealous that...I don't know, I puked all last week?

It doesn't even make any sense. The reason our friends like hanging out with me is because I know how to have fun, which Michelle often does not. When we go clubbing, except for one occasion, she usually just sits in a chair and watches us dance. On St. Patrick's Day, she sat there and complained saying it was boring, which it wasn't the best night out ever, but it was also 10 pm on weekday. Joe and I realized this too, but we went out and danced, even though we were the only ones on the floor. Point being, I will make any situation fun, even if it sucks balls. When I hang out with my friends, all we do is laugh, and I think they enjoy that...often with Michelle, it's an hour long pity party about how her life sucks, how she's fat (I'm not joking, she complains about it so much), and how Justin sucks.

It's all annoying. Then, because I was texting Jonathan most of the night, everyone wanted to know what's been going on with us on the ride home. I told everyone the gist of the story, that we are talking again and taking things slow, etcetera. And then Michelle got hyper critical and offered her advice, even though I didn't ask for it.

It was really just annoying and dumb, because all the things she said didn't apply to the situation. Most of it was just generic advice, and stuff that might apply if the situation was totally and completely different. But, of course, Michelle doesn't even know the whole story because she's totally absorbed and wrapped up in her own world. And she got mad at me last week because I said (when I was upset) that I just wanted to be with people who make me happy, and I didn't call her that day, so she automatically assumed that she wasn't not one of those people. Which she honestly is NOT at this point in my life, but the point is- it wasn't about her. I was upset, in pain, and I wanted to be with people that made me happy. How she turned that into being a personal attack on Michelle, I don't know.

And then the whole thing about the relationship advice, the thing that all of my friends and I keep laughing about is (besides the fact that I DID NOT ASK for any advice from her, ever. I only asked a handful of people for advice anyway, and those were the people I knew 1) know me well enough to give good advice 2) know the whole story 3) know something about relationships and would be giving advice that makes sense) why would I take advice from Michelle, who is in the worst relationship ever? Michelle, who can't get her boyfriend to brush his teeth? Michelle, whose boyfriend uses her as a mother? Michelle, whose' boyfriend is gay and got jacked off by one of our gay friends? Oh, or is it the same Michelle who's boyfriend told her after they had sex, "I wish you were skinny"?

No, no, perhaps it's the same Michelle who left her boyfriend for one night two weeks ago, and then went back because (as she said herself) she was too afraid to be alone, more so than because she loves him or wants to be with him.

Right. I want to take advice from that person. Maybe when I want to learn how to commit to a four year relationship that drains my soul on a daily basis, then I'll listen to Michelle. Until then, keep your fucking (unsolicited) advice to yourself. Kthanx.

Blah, so yeah, that's what's going on the life of Brittany right now. Mucho stress.

So last night, me, Joseph and Corazon all went out and went drinking, which was fun because all three of us got really drunk and soon we were clinking glasses over and over again and making toasts to each other for dumb things. Then we went to the club and had fun dancing. It was nice to be so drunk last night that I temporarily forgot about it all, even though I did have a pounding hangover headache all morning. I'm not feeling actively stressed out right now, because as I figured, thinking about less important things like how dumb Michelle is right now is less stressful than say, worrying about my work situation. But see, now I’m thinking about it again so it's just a cycle. A sick, sad, cycle.

Anyway, on a lighter (well, somewhat lighter) note, I was listening to Parachutes, my favorite Coldplay album today, after doing this thing on Facebook where you rank your top five albums. It was really surreal, because I haven't really listened to that album in a while, but when I got to the song "Shiver" I felt myself being transported to this time in 2007, back when Chris and were still doing the back and forth "I like you, wait, now I don't like you, oh my God- it's killing me how much I like you, wait, actually I'm not sure if I do like you- no, no, you just hugged me for five minutes and then let your hand linger on my thigh, I'm pretty sure you do like me, but then again, why are you flirting with that girl from work, but hell, who else do I spend every night hanging out with and why do you keep looking at me like that when we're alone and what's with all these angsty MySpace surveys about wanting someone you can't have? Are you talking about me? Because I like you again. For this week at least," thing for months on end.

Ands I remember one time we were in his car and were both singing the lyrics to this song (the ones quoted above, specifically) and we couldn't even look at each other in the car because it was so awkward and so apparent that we liked each other and were singing and thinking about each other.

The whole memory is so sweet and also so dumb, because we went three years with both of us being too lame to ever tell each other that we liked each other. But it was cute too, in a way.

But really, listening to the song now, reminds me of how far I've come as a person, and how far Chris and I have come as friends. It’s odd, because the same week the whole thing with Jonathan happened, Chris and I got a lot closer, which has been great.

I remember one night after we broke up, Chris told me he'd always love me and that I would always be a big part of his life, and at the time he said it, I didn't believe him, but I'm starting to believe it now.

And then, on a separate level, the song makes me think about the situation I'm in now and it's how it's sorta similar. And then that just makes me wonder how I tend to end up in the same situations quite often, and I wonder if it's because I seek them out, or if it’s because I don’t learn lessons properly the first time, or if it's just God's or the universe's way of giving me the fist.

"I'll always be waiting for you..."

How utterly heartbreaking, and beautiful and bittersweet. Le sigh.

Short Story: Guitar

2009-03-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's a nervous tic motion of the head to the left
It's a nervous tic motion of the head to the left
Of the what, of the head to the left
So exercise yourselves to your bereft
'Cause it's a nervous tic motion of the head to the left of the, of the, to the

- "A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head To The Left", Andrew Bird

I was going to blog about my life tonight, but then I couldn't really decide about which topic to blog on. I debated several different things- my current work situation, and how I'm wavering between quitting next year and staying, how I'm thinking about staying in Reno for another year and how that ultimately displeases me but seems very logical and smart at the same time, how I should never again doubt that I have a lot of people right here in Reno who love and care about me, how Michelle is really making me mad lately, writing a review for Alex White's amazing new CD, my current situation with Jonathan, and the odd situation that has cropped up with my friend/former INO manager/unrequited crush (well, on his end...sorta. See, it's a long story), Mike D.. I even debated writing a whole post about all my exes because I figured it'd at least be something light and amusing for people to read (no, really. All of the stories are unique and entertaining, at least after the fact. I mean, how many other people do you know that have dated 1) A boy with racist parents 2) A boy who later turned out to be gay 3) A boy who was planning on going into the Priesthood during the relationship, broke up with the girl to go into said Priesthood, but then also later turned out to be gay? Sounds like some award-winning chick-lit to me.)

But then, I don't know, I just got lazy and unmotivated. So, to try and motivate myself, I went to Flickr and checked out the latest pictures and then picked one and wrote a short story about it. I really wrote this thing in about ten minutes, so don't have high expectations for it- it's got no real plot, and it's making no real point, and now since I've basically talked down my writing and shown you that I don't even believe in myself (that's like breaking the number one rule as a writer, so see, I'm already down a few notches here), I'll just shut up and let you read it for yourself. :)

Guitar

After we broke up, I told myself that I would learn to play the guitar. So, I went to the music store and bought an acoustic something-or-the other. The guy at the counter handed it over to me with a weary expression.

“Do you know how to play?”

“Not yet,” I said, and flashed him a confident smile. “But I’m going to teach myself.”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “It’s harder than it looks. We offer lessons-“

I waved him off. “No thank you. I can do it. I taught myself how to play the piano.”

I didn’t add that when I said “taught”, it really just meant that I learned how to pick out “Mary Had A Little Lamb” on one hand, and I still didn’t know how to play simultaneously with both hands. Then, my mom had sold our piano and I never touched ivory keys again. It was a work in progress, I told myself. A work in progress that wasn’t currently…in progress. But still, I’d finish learning someday.

I carried the guitar out of the store and walked to my apartment. I sat down on the couch and placed my hands awkwardly over the…neck? I didn’t even know what the parts of a guitar were called.

I slid my thumb against the strings, strumming loudly, letting the harsh chord fill my empty living room. I winced. I tried again, this time placing my fingers over some of the other strings in hopes that it would create some sort of magical melody. It did not.

I frowned and grabbed my laptop and looked up “Guitar: Self Help Lessons” on YouTube. I watched three of them. One of them was taught by a twelve year old music prodigy. I couldn’t even figure out how to hold the guitar properly on my lap and I was 22.

I gripped the neck again (yes, it was called a neck after all) and poised my fingers over the frets, and tried to remember everything the prodigy had said about playing.

It sounded worse than before. For some reason, I thought I’d just pick up the guitar and instantly be able to play within the first few moments, and the ten minutes later, I’d be busting out Sheryl Crow songs about broken hearts and being a strong woman, and how great it is to soak up the sun in sunny California.

No such thing happened. I frowned and propped the guitar against the side of the couch. And then picked up my laptop and started talking to my friends online.

Soon, the guitar got placed in the corner of my apartment- along with the exercise mats I bought when I was going to start Pilates that summer, which sat next to the easel I bought when I was going to start painting. And behind the easel was a stack of the latest popular book series I never started reading, and next to them were the magazines I had started collecting for the collage I had never started working on.

I was always picking up something new and discarding it a second later, to be forgotten about with the millions of other better ideas that came along afterwards; left behind to collect dust along with all the other remnants of my past endeavors. I was always looking for the next best thing. I was consistently inconsistent.

But isn’t that what you loved about me anyway?

Split Screen Sadness

2009-03-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'till you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I want to know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'till your dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness

-John Mayer, "Split Screen Sadness"

Pieces Left Incomplete

2009-03-16T11:41:00.001-07:00

60th post...wow. Sadly, I am returning to lyrical blogging, because I'm mostly just lazy at the moment and really unable to truly capture my feelings and thoughts. By the way, it's very interesting to track my visitors now. Why don't some of you drop a line- I'd love to hear from you all, especially those of you who are from other countries :)

In the shadows of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadows of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadows of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of the night

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

- Jump Little Children, "Cathedrals"

ETA: A few months ago I blogged about a hypothetical situation that I wouldn't mind being in. I am in that exact situation now. I think I'm going to go back and read that post, because I don't feel as though I'm acting as I said I would should I ever get in such a situation. Then again, I never really thought I would.
Which just leads further to my theories regarding that I may or may not have psychic abilities. Or maybe I'm just the master of self-fufilling prophecies.

Here I Am, Humbled By Your Majesty...

2009-03-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

I went grocery shopping today to pick up some stuff to snack on while I'm out here housesitting. Mrs. C's house is pretty far out in town- the street narrows to an almost one-way dirt road, and there are tons of tumbleweeds and dead coyotes on the side of the road, literally. I think that's one of the cool things (or this time around, semi-depressing things) about housesitting for her- the house is about 30 minutes from town, but you still get far enough out to see all the stars and feel completely isolated.

Anyway, as I was driving back, I decided to go a little further down Pyramid Highway (which is the only road that leads to her house), and see where it led me. A few minutes into the drive I remembered hearing that if you take Pyramid all the way out, you'll reach Pyramid Lake. I've never actually been to Pyramid Lake myself- I remember a few years ago some of my coworkers at INO all went camping there in the summer, but I ended up doing something else instead.

As I was driving out, I started to get a bit nervous, as I realized that I was getting further and further away from civilization. Like, I thought Mrs. C's house was in the middle of nowhere, but at least there are plenty of other houses where she lives. Five minutes down the highway, and I was in the middle of pure desert. I don't even tend to think of Reno as a desert (though it is, of course, I mean, it is Nevada), but I saw all the stereotypical desert scenes out there, save cacti.

There were hardly any other cars either- I was going nearly 90 mph, and never once had to step on my gas. I started to wonder if I was ever going to get to Pyramid Lake though, because all I could see up ahead was more mountains and desert, and I had already been driving for twenty minutes. I gave myself five minutes and if I didn't reach the lake by then, I would turn back and drive home- no point in wasting gas on a random adventure that I wasn't even 100% sure about.

Three minutes passed, and I saw a sign that said, "Welcome to Pyramid Lake Reservation." And as I came down that last hill, I was greeted to the most breathtaking view.

I can't even describe how beautiful it was, as words could hardly do it much justice. Just seeing this huge, crystalline lake being placed in the middle of the desert, with the overcast skies casting shadows on the water- it was completely gorgeous.

I stopped and got out of the car, and walked over to look at the water. It was such an odd feeling, being in front of such a massive body of water and being all alone in the middle of it too. It just really reminded me of how insignificant we are as humans- a thought I rarely really think about (usually, I just think about how insignificant I am as a person, but when you come to think about it, the whole human race is so small in comparison to things like this).

But, at the same time, as I looked at the water changing color in the light, and as my eyes slid over the desert in front of me, I couldn't help but thinking, if God could do this- if He could create this beautiful lake right in the middle of this dry and deserted desert, then perhaps He can make sense of my life too.

Everything feels crazy and out of control. My emotions are changing from one moment to the next. But that was the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time. And standing out there, all alone and just taking in God's creation, reminded me that maybe there is a purpose to all this. Maybe there is some greater plan than what today has in store for me.

And maybe I'll find my lake in the middle of my desert.

Just One Sign That Could Show Me That You Give A Shit

2009-03-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

I said what you wanted to hear
and what I wanted to say
so I will take it back
Are all the dishes intact?
Let them be broken, broken

It's easy to be
easy and free
when it doesn't mean anything
you remain selfless, cold and
composed

You've done me no favor
to call and be nice
telling me I
can take anything I like
you don't owe me to be so
polite
you've done no wrong
you've done no wrong
get out of my sight

It's easy to be
easy and free
when it doesn't mean anything
you remain selfless, cold and
composed

Come on baby now throw me
a right to the chin
Don't just stare like
you never cared
I know you did
But you just smile
like a bank teller
blankly telling me
have a nice life
Come on baby now
throw me a right
to the chin
Just one sign that could
show me that you give a
shit
But you just smile politely
and I grow weaker and I
said what you wanted to hear
and what I wanted to say
so I will take it back

It's easy to be
easy and free
when it doesn't mean anything
you remain selfless, cold and
composed

- Ben Folds Five, "Selfless, Cold and Composed"

Taking On Water

2009-03-14T14:21:00.001-07:00

At this point in time, I have way too much on my mind, way too little time, and far too few words to express it all. So, as I did the other day, I will capture my feelings at the moment through song lyrics. This is an unreleased song John Mayer played this summer during his tour (I got to see him in Sac- the night he shaved his head...such an amazing show!)

Anyway, I have always said that John Mayer must listen outside my window or read my diary- because all of his songs have a weird way of capturing exactly how I feel, and they usually tend to be released the moment I need them. I remember the night that "Say" came out- a song about saying what you need to say to someone, even if you're afraid, even if your heart is broken- it was the same night that I waited for Chris to reply to my letter. I listened to it as I read his reply. And even though I felt horrible that things didn't work out, I couldn't help but listen to the words, "Say what you need to say." And I had. And I was proud of that. Despite crying my heart out, despite feeling like I was completely broken, I was proud that I had stood up for myself and had said what I needed to.

"Taking on Water" has always been signifcant to me, even since the moment I heard I first heard it in August. But it means more to me now than ever, and oddly enough I just happened to listen to it this morning, and once again the words sync up eerily perfect to my life.

There aren't any recordings of it on playlist.com, which is a shame, because it's a beautiful song. But the lyrics still express it perfectly. This is exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. Though, the only variation I will allow is that I already know the shore I'm hoping to wash up on at some point.

On a sailboat
I am slowly
Floating nowhere
Lost the memories
Of where I am and why

Black ocean churning
A million stars
Are burning
Planetariums were right
About the sky

Once upon a day
I set off on a journey
Wishing on the wind
Take me far from home
Now I'm on the waves
And I'm taking on water
Hard to see
I won't always be alone

There was a time
When August sun was high
And centered on me
But it dipped behind my back
And settled down
Used to scream
Through the land
Used to size it
In my head
But it fell
Behind the line
That leads to sky

Once upon a day
I set off on a journey
Wishing on the wind
Take me far from home
Now I'm on the waves
And I'm taking on water
Hard to see
I won't always be alone

Inside this storm
Whipping in the wind
My sail is torn
In other words
The ends
Are never not my own

Hard to see
I won't always be alone

I'm a sailboat out of here
Slowly floating nowhere
Then someday
I'll wash upon
Someone else's shore

- John Mayer, "Taking On Water"

This Is Only Right Now...

2009-03-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

Death by chocolate is myth
This I know because I lived
I've been around for broken hearts and how
Lay your head in my hands little girl
This is only right now

Death by crying doesn't exist, though
The headaches feel a bit like it
You might explode
But you reach the end of the road
And you, little tree
I'm certain you will grow

Tears on your pillow will dry and you will learn
Just how to love again
Oh my weeping willow
Let your leaves fall and return
Oh darling the seasons are your friend

Death by anger this is true
Just let him go he can't hurt you
Oh little girl this is such a cruel cruel world
This is the first, of a million broken hearts

Tears on your pillow will dry and you will learn
Just how to love again
Oh my weeping willow
Let your leaves fall and return
Oh darling the seasons are your friend

Oh it won't be long you will grow strong
Up up and away

He's but a falling leaf, he's but a falling leaf, he's but a falling leaf

- Sia, "Death By Chocolate"

It's Brittany, Bitch...

2009-03-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

- Coldplay, "Viva La Vida"

Okay, enough of the doom and gloom. Like, seriously. It was getting old. Even for me. Especially for anyone that even read my twenty page blog entries of it. Well, I mean, life had gotten kinda heavy for a minute there, but it's all good now. I think I figured it out yesterday when I realized part of my problem (keep in mind that I am a self-proclaimed control freak) is that nothing was in my control the past three weeks, and I was also sorta freaking out over the fact that everything was changing and while I have become quite better at adjusting to change, I still freak over it sometimes.

But yeah, I'm okay now. Everything is fine. I'm housesitting back at the house again and I already feel at home...I love this house. Also, I'm just in a terrific mood.

By the way, as of today, I have gone four days without my Elavil and I still feel terrific. I think my clinical depression is over.

I'm all smiles. Life is good and things only seem to be getting better. Finally :)

Well, All I've Got's...

2009-03-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I've got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

- John Mayer, "Clarity"

I have lately been both equally frustrated and amazed by the fact that life is just one big circle of circumstances. It seems that you can go a million miles in a bunch of opposite directions and still end up in the same place you were heading away from all along. Maybe that's not true for everyone's life, but it seems to be true in mine. Which just furthers my ponderings of God's plan for us and predestination, but that's another blog post in itself.

Yesterday, I was driving around downtown Reno, because it was sunny out and I didn't really feel like being inside. I passed by this bus stop that I used to wait at to go home after school, and I was hit with this odd feeling of...well, I can't really explain it, but I was overwhelmingly awed. Just by how, five years ago, I was sixteen, and a completely different person.

And I had just moved to Reno, and I had just started a long journey to who I was going to end up being. And I hadn't experienced a thing and I didn't know shit about life or even myself. And it was all just amazingly odd to me how much I have changed in the past five years, and how much has gone on and how much I've grown. And how nothing has been how I ever planned, both in good ways and bad ways, but all of it has been heartbreakingly beautiful, overall. And it was weird, to think that five years ago, I stood in that exact same location, and I wouldn't even have noticed myself then if I had seen myself drive by now.

That moment of clarity basically got me through the afternoon, but by the time the evening had come around I back to feeling down and basically mired in the meaninglessness of my existence, yet again.

I was crying already when I picked up the phone to see that Michelle was calling me. She and Justin had gotten in a big fight and she said she thought it was over. Meanwhile I had been worried about Joe, who had been basically MIA all week, and the last time I heard from him had been Friday night when he said he was feeling a bad migraine and the left side of his face was numb ("Doesn't that sound like a stroke?" Justin had said, half laughing).

So despite the fact that I was feeling low myself and still had fresh tears on my cheeks I got dressed and drove over to Joe's house to see if he was feeling okay and if he wanted to go with me to console Michelle. Joe's car was missing. Odd. If he was going to the hospital, I knew he wouldn't drive himself, and his parent's car was still in the drive. I tried to call him a billion times and eventually just gave up and went over to see Michelle.

The Michelle/Justin drama is the same as usual- the hundreds of reasons they shouldn't be together finally resurfaced and Michelle took note of it- for last night, at least. She moved back home. For last night. She's already back with Justin today and texted me about it. I texted her back saying, "I think you're making a huge mistake and I don't support your decision." Did I really spend three hours listening to her go on about all the reasons Justin makes her unhappy? And now she's back with him? I'm done. I'm so done with it, in fact, that if they do get back together, I never, ever want to hear either of them complain about their stupid and shitty relationship again. In fact, I might even go as far (and it's very tempting) to stop being Michelle's friend altogether. I have never had time for this bullshit, and I particularly have less patience for it now.

As I told Michelle last night, "There is enough pain and heartache and sadness in the world that you'll have to deal with. Stop actively seeking it out in a situation where you shouldn't be feeling any of those things to begin with."

But anyway, when I got home last night, I fell back into my own depression again. The phone rang around 11:45 and it was Joe, finally calling me back, except he was at a party and drunk and wanted to know if I'd like to come dancing. So when he finally calls me back, after being MIA all week, it’s when he’s drunk and wants me around because I’m (usually) fun to party with. I pretty much felt like throwing my phone at the wall. Instead, I hung up on him.

Joe is supposed to be my best friend. He is. I can think of a million times where I've been there for him and vice versa. He knew I would be a wreck when I got home from Seattle. That was a given. Of course, I was a wreck for multiple, unforeseeable reasons as well, but Joe didn't know that because he never once picked up the phone to call me and see how I was doing.

I tried calling him twice in this past week. I drove to his house THREE TIMES last night just to see if he was at home, because I was genuinely worried that he was sick. I called him probably five times last night to make sure he wasn't sick and alone and didn't need someone. And he couldn't even call me once- he couldn't even text me once to see if I was okay?

All of my friends have been suspiciously absent this week, save Corazon (who has texted me a lot and sent me messages), and Wolf. Wolf wins the award for being the best friend of the week- he's taken me out to lunch twice just because he knew I was going to stay home and mope around- he's texted me and called me to see if I'm okay- he talked to me last night when Joe pissed me off. But it hurts to know that the person who's being the most caring towards me is the person I know the least out of everyone in Reno, the person who barely knows me, the person who I've only known for a month or two.

The only other friends who have reached out to me have been Christina and Mike D. both of whom live out of town, but somehow knew that I needed a friend. Both of them know me very well, and both of them have been helpful in trying to build me back up. And Mike, hell, he wins an award for just being a great guy, because here I am telling him stuff about Jonathan, when poor Mike has liked me since I was seventeen years old (that, too, is another long story). I have no idea how hard it is for him to hear me talk about some other relationship and everything, especially when he adds towards the end of the conversation, "I can't believe you went all the way to Seattle to see some guy you've only met once, and you won't even come to Suisun to visit me, and we’ve known each other for years."

But anyway, the point is, the handful of people who have reached out to me 1) were not in any way obligated to 2) got absolutely nothing in return 3) really made me realize who truly cares about me, and who only does when it's convenient for them.

And it's not like I'm expecting everyone to drop the world for me. I understand people are busy. But the thing here is, and the thing Joe had to admit himself, is that I never ask people for help. My arm can be broken and I can be on my deathbed, and I'll still say, "I'm fine, don't worry about me." But when it gets to the point where I'm actively seeking out help, where I'm asking everyone to pray for me or telling people I need them, then I really mean it. In fact, I can't even think of another time when I have done such a thing. I usually just keep it inside or deal with things myself. I'm not like a lot of people that seek attention or sympathy. So when I say that I'm in bed crying and I need a friend, I really, really do. There have been plenty of times when I've been crying in bed and never told anyone, but this time I did. And the people I expected to come, the people I've dropped everything for, didn't.

So I told Joe all this today over the phone. I yelled at him through tears, and told him just how shitty I thought it was that I have never once gone a week without checking on him, and during the week where I needed him most, he was nowhere to be found. And of course he didn't know everything had fallen apart- because he hadn't asked. And why did I have to call him, anyway? He loves to brag to people about how close we are and how we have "ESP" and all, but he sure as hell didn't pick up on the fact that I was in pain. And the one person in town who did is the person who knows me the least and has no idea what kind of advice to offer me, because he doesn't even know who I am.

Joe admitted he had failed me as a friend, and came and picked me up and went to lunch. And, you know, I was right. I needed to be around people who know me because the conversation I had with Joe today was just like the conversation I had with Christina on Wednesday, in that Joe was able to say, "Hey, Brittany, you've been through worse before. In fact, you've been through this same situation before. And you got through it then, and you will now. And I know your life seems crazy, but you're the only one who knows what you want and what to do, and in fact, you had it all planned out a few months ago- what happened to that plan? You need to go back and retrace your steps and build your own foundation again, because you lost it."

And so, here we go again, back in a big circle. It was back in November when I last felt this way, like my life was completely useless and pointless and directionless and out of control. And I remember crying to my mom, feeling completely undirected and misguided and confused about life. And I did something huge (long, very personal story) and basically started on a blank slate. And all of it happened while I was off track (i.e. not working at the school) and house-sitting for one of the teachers I work with, and the feeling of starting anew, in a fresh house (well, not my house, of course, but that was part of the new feeling), in my own space, on my own time, was wonderful. And oddly enough, the week that I was there was the first week Jonathan and I really started to get to know each other- the first Monday I spent at that house was the same night that I gave my number to Jonathan and we began texting each other. I was starting over and starting fresh in all aspects of life.

The day after I had "started over" I went out and bought a poster board. I was going to make a vision board for myself- of what I wanted my life to look like in the next year. That blank board is still sitting in my room, for a million lazy ~~reasons~~ excuses that I actually feel too embarrassed and lame to write about now.

But first, let me fully explain how this is all a full circle. Next week, I am going again to house-sit in the same home. And here I am again, starting over, feeling like I've been washed of everything and I have another clean slate. And I'm going to take that same blank board with me when I go there, but this time, I'm gonna fill it up with some stuff. And one thing that I know about myself, that I've always been proud of myself for, is for making goals and achieving them.

And, as it was before, I was just starting with Jonathan then, and I sort of feel like we're just starting now, too. Obviously there is a lot of history between us now, much, much more so than when he was still just "random, Seattle Twitter guy" to me, but I think we are both now at the same point of focusing on our own lives and then trying to see where the two of us meet up and how an “us” can exist. And it's a good feeling to have. It's new, and it's fresh, and I think it's what we really need to build anything from if we really want to make anything work.

I know it's what I need. I think I've been going so nuts because I forgot that I needed to have my plan, that I needed to still work on what I want for my life. And it's funny because Joe, and Christina, and Mike, and my mom (basically, all the people that really know me, inside and out), all told me the same thing- that I have to remember my own plan, or at least figure it out.

I don't know what it is yet. But I'm feeling better knowing that I can figure it out, whatever it is that I want it to be. And the same way life came back to meaning as it did in November, it will again now. Funny, isn't it?

Back To The Ground

2009-03-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've let myself go
I've been screening the calls
From my friends to my foes
Although I've been weak
Far for so very long
I gotta get myself
Back to the ground

So clearly, I've let myself go
So does admission take my sins to a new low?
And when you're way down there
You'll find all those old friends you used to know
And they're gonna help ya
Get yourself back to the ground

- Jamie Cullum, "Back To The Ground"

My mom has never coddled me. Well, she did when I was younger, but she hasn’t since I got past the age of like, 18. I’m not saying that I really need her to, but you know how some people’s mothers (maybe even your own) will still hold you when you’re sad and pat your back and tell you everything’s gonna be okay? Well, my mom never does that.

In fact, when I came back from Seattle on Monday night and I was all kinds of an emo bear, my mom actually yelled at me. For a bunch of reason that were all legit, but you know, she basically told me to get my shit together and get over it. Which I didn’t really want to hear when I had been crying all evening, and my eyes were still puffy and red, but I had to admit she was right.

I think I get my no-nonsense attitude from her. Just like, all my rant blogs that have to do with other people, well, my mom has the same attitude, even in regards to me. I kind of shudder to think that I’m like my mom in some ways, but I guess it’s true- we all eventually turn into our parents in some way or another. Eww.

Anyway, the point of all this is, you know, just keep in mind what I’ve said above about my mom. I mean, she isn’t like, cold as ice- she has comforted me sometimes when I’ve been distressed in adulthood, but for the most part, she usually just tells me to get over it or gives me some lecture about how I really fucked things up anyway (which is sadly a bit true. And actually, this is probably why I’m like a billion times harder on myself than I ever am with anyone else. Hmm. This is like a therapy session).

Well, this week has been very hard for me. First I was all sad about having to leave Seattle. Then I was sad about well, everything that happened with Jonathan and I. And then the sadness sort of spiraled into all aspects of my life- when I woke up the other morning and realized that it didn’t really matter if I woke up at all.

Because, okay, let’s be honest here- what big impact do I have on the world right now? And I know you’re going to be like, “You matter to your friends and family and the people that love you!” But yeah, who cares about that, really? I mean, they’ll all move on. I know they will. You lose people everyday. It’s a part of life. If I died tomorrow, I mean, if I stepped out of my door and a toilet seat fell from the sky and landed on my head and killed me (heh…Dead Like Me reference there for those of you still awake) no one would really lose that much sleep over it. I know that a lot of people would be sad, and mourn my death for a long time, but eventually they’ll forget me. They’ll forget the way that I smile, or the way that I always laugh at dumb stuff, or the way that I love ice cream, or how my favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast and I know all the words to it, and soon the fact that I love dancing in the car and making people stare at me while I do the running man in my seat will fade completely out of their conscious and then…I won’t even exist anymore.

I’ve never really been one of those people that thought I had some HIGHER purpose in life. Joe G. has this dilemma- he’s constantly worried that he’s not fulfilling God or the universe’s overall destiny for his life. I’m not one of those people, really. But I think I’m at the point in my life where I feel like I have no purpose at all.

I guess I have more of a purpose than I did a few years ago. At least my job matters now- at least I matter to the child I work with, and even his little brother. But still, I can be replaced. They can find a new aide and a new babysitter. What do I matter to the world?

I don’t even know how to go about changing all this. I still don’t feel like I have some divine purpose. I don’t feel like the clouds will part and my destiny will be fulfilled. I’m not looking for God to speak to me through some burning bush and tell me to lead His people somewhere. But…I don’t know…why do I even get up in the morning?

And then all those thoughts got me thinking, yet again, what the hell am I doing with my life? I don’t even know anymore. I feel like there’s a ton of things I could be doing, and there’s a ton of things I might be capable of but I don’t believe in myself enough to do any of the things I really dream about. And I still want to be a journalist, but then I think of all the people in the world that want to be journalists and I realize I’m just one in a million, and sure I’m semi-talented, but is that enough? So I won an award for my college paper last year. Big deal.

Aah, all of it is frustrating. I think I’ve had all this going on in my subconscious for a while, but I kind of glossed over it all with everything else I had going on- there was lots to think about with Jonathan, and I busied myself with hanging out with friends and focusing on their asinine problems. But now, there’s not much to think about in regards to Jonathan, not at the moment, at least, and I haven’t talked to any of my friends since Tuesday.

Literally. Everyone has been calling and texting and I’ve ignored them all. I don’t know why. I’ve just felt horrible. And I know I have a lot of friends who love me and care about me and don’t care that I’m like a big, depressed slug lately, but I’m not really one of those people who likes to subject their friends to an emo bear, so I’ve just stayed at home.

I mean, I’ve honestly been in a disgusting cycle of crying, sleeping, and working. I’ve worn the same nightgown to bed every night for the past week. My room is a complete disaster. Last night, I left the house looking like this:

Go ahead and laugh. It’s been bad. Not gonna lie. I mean, you know things are bad when you stop caring what you look like in public. Well, at least to me. Not that I’m completely conceited but for the most part, I do care what people think when they look at me. Not lately.

So anyway, to link this back to my opening, I half expected my mom to yell at me or something and tell me to take a shower and like, put some makeup on and some clean clothes. But I knew things were really bad when my mom, my non-nurturing, non-coddling mother, sent me a bunch of text messages yesterday telling me that I’ll be okay, and that everyone has bad points of their life and that I’d overcome and that everything will work out and…wait, since when has my mom been my personal cheerleader?

If I didn’t know I was really depressed before, I knew it then. Because I think I scared my mom. Last night when I said (through tears) that I was going to go for a drive, she looked at me and started to cry. My mom rarely cries. It was weird. And she was just like, “Okay…be safe.” And she looked at me like I wasn’t going to come back. Her being scared made me scared.

So basically, I don’t know. Nothing’s solved. I still don’t know what my purpose is or any of that stuff. And I still don’t feel any big driving force in my life. The whole Jonathan situation is still up in the air. Everything in my life feels like it’s up in the air.

But I don’t really want to scare my mom anymore. Or my friends. So I finally returned their texts and agreed to hang out tonight. I’m feeling good today- basically meaning I haven’t cried or slept through the whole day, so I’m thinking I’ll take the good vibes and run with them while I’m still capable of it.

Maybe something magical will happen and all the pieces will fall into place. I know, chances are, in a few months (or hell, maybe even a few weeks), I’ll look back at this time and realize that everything did fall into place and everything makes perfect sense and all is well. So I’m just trying to remind myself of that now.

I gotta get myself back to the ground.

Untitled

2009-03-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die

- Muse, "Sing For Absolution"

I was babysitting today for the child I work with and his little brother, who is five. We were all sitting at the table in the dining room and I was watching the two boys eat their yogurts that they had "earned" for snack. The five year old randomly reached over and grabbed my arm in his little hand, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Brittany, you're a tough girl. You can do it."

I stared into his eyes for a second, not quite sure I heard him right. He returned to eating his yogurt like nothing had happened. I tried to ask him why he said that and what he meant, but he kept shaking his head and eventually changed the subject to how he wanted to make me a card about how I'm his best friend and he loves me (say it with me now: awwwwww).

But, anyway, I don't know...maybe he's right. Maybe I am a tough girl. That seems to be the theme of the week- everyone telling me that I'm tough, and I'm strong and I can do it. I think I'm the only one who really knows just how tough and strong I am, but I also know how weak I am too.

And maybe I can do it. But first I've got to find out what "it" is.